Episode 306 Transcript
===
[00:00:00] You are listening to episode 306 of the Peaceful Mind Podcast.
Welcome to the Peaceful Mind Podcast, a place for creating the peace of mind. You need to be the best mom you are created by God to be. If you want to bring more balance, more joy, and more peace to your motherhood, this is the place for you. I'm your host, certified life coach at Catholic Mom Danielle Thienel.
In the name of the Father of the Son and of the Holy Spirit. Let's get started.
Hello Sweet Mamas and welcome to this special encore episode of the Peaceful Mind Podcast. As we approach Christmas, I am taking the next couple weeks to slow down and be more fully present with my family [00:01:00] and life before the new year. And I hope you're finding ways to do the same. This is why I chose for these last couple weeks to give you some encore episodes.
And another reason is because there is so much. I, what I think is golden information in the previous podcast that some of you might not be aware of. So I just bring them to the forefront of your attention. So to support you during this season, I'm bringing back one of the most, what I think is helpful episodes that can.
Be, can use the attention can be used a lot of attention for you mamas. And that is how can we step out of this comparison trap that we get ourselves into? 'cause comparison is one of the biggest peace stealers in motherhood. It clouds your confidence, it confuses your decisions, it convinces you're not [00:02:00] doing enough, even when you're doing beautifully.
So this episode is all about helping you get free from that noisy inner critic and step into the peace and presence that God is inviting you to. And I want you to step into letting go of comparing yourself to other moms. And as a gift, it is the time for of Year for Gifts. I wanna offer you my comparison Trap Workbook.
It's completely free. It's a beautifully designed tool that will help you. You're going to identify and shift the thoughts that we have that lead to comparison into spare. I'm going to give you. Already some curated lists of what I call bridge thoughts that are rooted in more truth and self-compassion when you find yourself in a comparison with other moms.
We're gonna reflect deeply on how comparison affects your mood and motherhood and mindset, and we're gonna [00:03:00] replace some of those comparison thoughts with ones that will bring you more confidence. So in order to get this gift, you can simply email me at [email protected]. And in the show notes you'll also see how you can, spell that, spell my name correctly so that you're able to connect with me, and I will personally send you the workbook right back to your inbox.
It's my gift to you this season to help you live in the joy and freedom that is already yours to take. Everyone. Let's revisit this powerful episode together. Here's your encore of how to step out of the mom comparison trap. Hi everyone. Thanks for joining me and thanks for making your peace of mind a priority for you at least today because this topic that I'm gonna talk about is one that is going to be very impactful to your motherhood.[00:04:00]
I know that a lot of you will relate to it, and one of the reasons why I know is that my mom's in my life coaching group busy to balanced, bringing me. They bring me all the time, the topics that are really important to you, busy moms, and the ones that are challenging you to be able to have peace of mind.
And this one is no different. In fact, I think I want to put it as one of the top priorities that I would love for you to tackle in your goals if this is something that you suffer with or have a hard time. What we call it is the comparison trap. So today we are going to talk about how to avoid that inadequacy and defeating feelings that come from when we compare ourselves to other moms in their lives.
And then we. We put ourselves into a [00:05:00] state of despair and what we call this is, we call it the compare and despair phenomenon. And the reason why I am like tackling this topic, and I put it, I'm putting it on the podcast because I first received this comment from one of the groups one of the clients in my group.
And because of it, I built a training around it. And in my, in, in busy to balanced, I have a whole member portal with lots of resources and all the past calls are there, and this is where I also include many items that I have created over the last few years that I know it is that will be extra helpful for you.
Busy moms out there. And so in the group, I have a tab in this online portal that. Is just what bonus trainings that I've given and workshops that I've given on the topics that are [00:06:00] important to you. And so I did that Once my client brought this to my attention I did a training for the group and I cr I create a workbook that goes along with it and it's from that, that it, just.
It just aches on my heart that not just those who are working with me and in my world would benefit from it. So here I am on the podcast and I hope that it is helpful and impactful to your mom life too. And so this is what my client said. She said that she is coming from a place of feeling caught. In comparing her weaknesses to others' strengths, she said, I think this creates feelings of inadequacy and resentment, and it keeps me from developing confidence in myself and for me, staying on my own path.
She also said that she thinks it's a barrier to fully experiencing a relationship with those [00:07:00] that she's comparing herself to. And having a better understanding to get out of the comparison trap would be so helpful. And as a result, she's hoping that she would have confidence from looking inward instead.
And so that comment is what helped me come to the training that is provided within my group and that I'm gonna just speak about. On a surface level for you here today to give you some help around this compare and despair phenomenon and maybe have it dissipate for you. So let's just start because it's crucial to understand first what we are up against as moms, especially in this kind of, constant.
Connectivity with social media. This is just an all too common and often debilitating trap [00:08:00] that US moms can find ourselves into. And again, I call it the comparison trap. And really what it is it's a mental and emotional cycle where we measure our worth, we measure our success, our happiness. Against the perceived lives of others, and I want to underscore that word, the perceived lives of others.
And then what happens is that this leads to feelings of inadequacy, self-doubt, and despair. And like I mentioned, in the world of social media and constant. Connection. Falling into this trap has become increasingly very easy, and climbing out of it can feel daunting. And that's what I wanna help you with today, to have it feel less daunting and to give you the steps and some strategy.
If you find yourself in the compare and despair phenomenon, it's [00:09:00] important for you to know that this trap is not like it's not. Like a big hole that's insurmountable for you to get out of. It's more like a hurdle and it can be overcome with understanding, with patience and with practice. So to guide you through, we're gonna focus on three key steps.
Steps of how to get out of the comparison trap. The first one is we're gonna recognize what the common negative thoughts are. This first step of awareness is always key. It's so necessary to the changes that you want in your life. So we wanna identify those common thoughts that lead you into the trap.
And when you begin to understand what those triggers are for you then you'll be just on your way. So these thoughts. These negative thoughts, they [00:10:00] will often revolve around self-criticism. They will be unfair comparisons, and they will paint a skewed picture of what a real reality is. The next thing that we wanna focus on when we are wanting to step outta the comparison trap is to then adopt what we call bridge or ladder thoughts.
This. This is a type of thought that helps transition you directly from negative to positive thoughts because. But it's the bridge in between those two because it is really challenging to make a big leap, a big jump from something that you currently believe is true, that is really negative to a total positive thought.
That's just not possible sometimes. So we want to adopt these bridge the A bridge. Way of [00:11:00] thinking or a ladder. It's just like a step moving you closer to that positive thought and it, they'll help you redirect your focus and it'll provide like a more balanced perspective. It'll help reduce your feelings of despair and it's gonna be a gradual improvement of your mindset.
And then we want to embrace those positive, self-affirming thoughts. We. We might not be able to go to them right away, but we do wanna cultivate a practice on moving ourself towards them. So this final step in cultivating thoughts that not only keep you out of comparison, but also inforce your confidence, it reinforces your self love and it brings you more joy because.
I wanted to that famous quote, it's Theodore Roosevelt, I believe who said, comparison is the thief of joy. [00:12:00] So when you can embrace positive and self-affirming thoughts, when we see the lives of other moms, other people, we can have more joy. And so these self-affirming thoughts, they'll help celebrate your unique journey with the key word there.
Being unique, we're all different and we wanna acknowledge your strengths. We all have them, even if what we're seeing is. What other people are only putting on their strengths. But don't be fooled. All of us have strengths and weaknesses. This is how God created us. It's how I tell my clients because we're not robots.
We're human beings. And then these self-affirming thoughts are gonna allow you to appreciate others' successes without you feeling diminished. Now, like a lot of things that I offer [00:13:00] here. The change you're looking for to eradicate or at the very you know, least lesson a little bit. If you find yourself feeling inadequate and defeated by comparing yourself with other moms, I want you to be patient with yourself.
I want you to be kind with yourself. I want you to recognize that our. We were made like as a society, there's that part of that inner desire to belong and to be the same, and so it makes complete sense. While we would compare ourselves to others, but I just want you to know that you're not alone on this journey.
Many moms, it is something that we battle with. And I just want you to move closer to a life free from the clutches of comparison and be more filled with self-acceptance and of course, more peace of mind. So now I [00:14:00] wanna give you some examples of those thoughts that you might be thinking right now that are bringing on and creating the compare and despair for you that are leading to feelings of inadequacy and defeat.
So the very first step that I mentioned is we wanna recognize common negative thoughts, and here are some. Of those common thoughts that create, compare, and despair. Number one, she always looks so put together and I can barely manage a shower. Two. Her children are always so well behaved. Mine seem out of control in comparison.
Three. She manages to work and take care of her family. I struggled just to keep the house in order. Four. She's so creative with her kids' activities. I just turn on the tv. Number five. Her mom is always [00:15:00] I'm sorry. Her home is always spotless. Mine is a constant mess. Okay, so those are five common thoughts.
That are, that would create you feeling inadequate and defeated. Did you relate to any of them? Did you, is that something that you think you feel on a, or think on a regular basis when you look at other moms or see what's happening in their life? Okay, so the next step, if that is, and there are plenty of other thoughts that you may have that create this feeling of inadequacy when you compare yourself to other moms, and I encourage you to take some time and explore what are those common ones for you and.
Now let's move to the second step where you want to then adopt a bridge or ladder. Thought you want to transition from that really like negative one and [00:16:00] you're not quite where you believe the positive one yet. So then you want something that gives you more of a neutral feeling. And so here's. An example to counteract those first five that would bring on more of neutrality and more of a belief like you, it's something you do believe like right now.
So here's some examples. The first one is everyone has their own challenges, even if they're not visible. Number two, I'm doing the best I can with the resources I have right now. Number three. Each mom's experience is unique, including mine. Number four. It's okay to have tough days. It doesn't mean I'm failing.
And number five, every parent has different strengths and I'm still discovering mine. So can you feel the difference? The [00:17:00] little shift in those and aren't those thoughts that you actually clam can believe, right? Can you believe that we all have our own challenges, even if we don't know it or see it sometimes.
Do you believe that you are doing your best? With what you, the resources that you have. See how these are more easily to be able to, for your brain to grab and to actually believe, but they don't bring like this big great feeling, but it's definitely better, like a move up from that whole despair, defeat, inadequacy.
These that I just offered are more neutral. They're more believable for you. And so now we want to. To work on thinking that way a little bit more. And then eventually you do wanna push yourself to go to those positive thoughts. And the reason why is [00:18:00] because of the direct correlation with positive thinking, giving you positive results.
So we want to embrace some positive and self-affirming thoughts and practice those. And so here is some examples of what. This would look like to have a thought that would be supportive to you and would increase the feeling of self love, number one, she looks great. It's wonderful to see another mom taking care of herself.
Number two, her kids are well behaved, and that's a reflection of her good parenting. It's inspiring. Number three, she's balancing work and family. It's a reminder that every mom has her own strengths. Number four, I love how creative she is with her kids. I can learn something new from her approach.
And number five, her home is lovely. It's a reflection of her [00:19:00] personality, just like mine is a reflection of mine. Okay. Do you see the difference there? It is a transition that we can all make and all move towards, but you first have to have awareness that this is something that is actually happening for you.
So I want to just offer you some kind of like personal reflection. Prompts to be able for you to take away and apply after this episode for you to just contemplate and think about this week. So let's start with what I want you to first, this awareness part is to understand. Where your comparison tendencies are.
And so that would be you taking a few moments to identify those moments in [00:20:00] your life when you will find yourself or trigger it having compare comparison for you. So think of a recent instance where you found yourself comparing maybe your parenting or your just life in general to another mom's.
And just describe that situation to you, and then think here, like what emotions did you feel during that comparison? Was it jealousy? Was it frustration? Was it inadequacy? And notice for you what specific aspect of the other mom's life or parenting style triggered those feelings. Because if you can identify that and start to understand your own personal tendency, that is the first step to change.
So how often do you find yourself making these comparisons? Is it a lot? Is there a pattern? Is there a [00:21:00] particular time when it happens more frequently? Just growing in this understanding will be so helpful. The next, I want you to think about the impact on your life. If you were to continue to be someone who often finds themselves in this compare and despair phenomenon.
What effects will it have on your self-esteem? And what about your sense of self-worth? Are you questioning that because of your focus on somebody else's lives and their strengths? And instead of focusing on your own? And how have the comparisons that you've made influenced the way you've made decisions?
And think of specific examples. So you can dive deeper and just analyze the impact by doing this right by noticing how [00:22:00] these thoughts are affecting your relationships with other moms, how it's affecting your family, friends, how it's, like I mentioned before, affecting your self-worth and by analyzing the impact.
Knowing that if there's something, if you don't take action on it, on how you might just keep creating again and again, those feelings of inadequacy and defeat, and then we've gotta shift our perspective, right? That is a theme in all of my coaching, is that the changes that we're looking for it, it first starts in the mind.
So what is reality versus the perception that you have? Can you reflect on the possibility that what you are comparing yourself to might not be the full reality of what's really going on with that person's life? And I'm just gonna tell you right [00:23:00] now, we never, none of us get to ever see the full reality.
And then let's put that, let's shift our perspective and let's shift to what your strengths are and how you are rocking it as a mom and how you like what's going on in your world, right? What are those amazing qualities that you possess? I know they're there. You are a child of God. He created you. You're a marvelous.
And how have has your strength already positively impacted your family? And then let's not forget that the greatest shifter in perspective is gratitude. When you can identify those aspects of your life and your parenting style that you're grateful for and that you really like, that is going to be a game [00:24:00] changer in helping you shift your perspective and get out of the comparison trap.
And then lastly, I wanna mention that we've gotta develop this new way of keeping that shifted perspective at the forefront. And so we wanna develop a new mindset around seeing other moms' lives and what's going on. So those kind of neutral thoughts that I offered you today. Which ones could you start to use to counteract a negative comparison?
Thought that might be what you just always default to. And can you imagine a day where you would feel completely free from comparison? I want you to visualize that. Take a few minutes, what does it look like, and how do you feel when you [00:25:00] are staying in your own lane? When you are focusing on your strengths, when you are moving to a place of admiration for other people's strengths.
And always keeping in mind that we all, as humans, both experience the positive and the negative in our lives. And I would like you to just think of one actionable step that you could take this week to reduce the frequency of comparison thoughts. And to lessen your tendency to compare and despair with other moms.
Remember the journey to overcome the comparison trap is an ongoing one, and it will require patience and self-compassion. But like always, I want to offer you or invite you to work with me on this topic. Many other topics that show up frequently in [00:26:00] a busy mom's life and ones that you want to learn how to have more peace.
And peace around and more joy in your life in all the areas. I wanna thank my client for bringing this to me and also for the great training that was created around it. And I hope that all you listeners found benefit from that training. And I just wanna invite you to come inside, join Busy to balanced, so much amazing transformations and growth is going on in there.
So thank you listeners so much for being with me today. I hope you have a great rest of your week, and until next time, peace be with you always. Thank you so much for tuning in to today's episode of the Peaceful Mind Podcast. If you found value in today's episode, I'd be so grateful if you could subscribe and leave a review.[00:27:00]
It not only supports the podcast, but ensures you don't miss out on future episodes packed with insights and tools. To create peace of mind in your busy mom life. And if you're of the Catholic faith like me or any Christian mom seeking to feel better in any area of your life and to show up more calm, connected, and confident, I can help become an empowered mom who knows how to bring about the changes you desire, no matter the circumstances.
Whether you need one-on-one guidance to get there, prefer a group coaching program with like-minded women or a self-study course I've got you covered. Explore my private one-on-one packages. Join my Busy to Balanced group life coaching program, or delve into my signature course Divine Time. to find out which path is right for you, let's meet and see what's the best fit.
Schedule a free call with me at daniellethienel.com or send me a direct message on Facebook or Instagram [00:28:00] @daniellethienelcoaching. And also don't forget to get your copy of my book, the Cyclone Mom Method, How To Call on Your God-Given Power to Remain Calm, In Control, and Confident as a Busy Mom. Dive into the digital and bonus audio version when you go to book.daniellethienel.com/new-book.
You'll find all the details in the show notes too. Until next time, peace be with you always.
