Episode 331 of The Peaceful Mind Podcast- Motherhood with Fibromyalgia: FInding Strength in Chronic Illness
===
[00:00:00] You are listening to episode 331 of the Peaceful Mind Podcast.
Welcome to The Peaceful Mind Podcast, a place where you can move out of overwhelm and into a calm, confident motherhood with God at the center. I'm Danielle Thienel certified life coach Catholic Mom and creator of the Cyclone Mom Method. I help you create emotional, steadiness and peace of mind from the inside out.
So you can experience more balance and more joy in your busy mom life. In the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit. Let's get started. The.
Hello, beautiful mamas. Welcome back to the Peaceful Mind Podcast. I'm Danielle. I'm your host, and I have a special episode for you today. I don't do many interviews, so when I do, it's something that I thought was super important to help you have more peace of mind in [00:01:00] your life, and so today I am joined by one of my clients, Allie.
Hi Allie. Welcome.
Hi, I'm so happy to be here.
I'm so happy you're here as well. It's gonna be a really important message. And Ally's been, you've been my client for what, close to a year now?
At a year in May. Yes. A year.
Yeah. So we started out, we worked together privately with one-on-one sessions.
And now you are in the group coaching program. And I have thought about just through our coaching really, how much I think that your story would be helpful to others. So I'm so glad you could come today to talk to us.
Thank you so much.
So where I wanna start for everybody is for you to tell us a little bit about yourself and when you first realized something was different with your health.
'cause today we are talking about finding strength in chronic illness. So I'll let you take [00:02:00] it from there.
Alright, so I am Allie and I am in Texas. I have a wonderful husband, an amazing daughter, and a super puppy. And I have had fibromyalgia for 13 years now. When I in. 2012. In October of 2012, we moved to a new city for my husband's work.
And when let's see. From, I guess it was actually August. It was August. 'cause we started right before Alexis started school that year, and I wanted to take some time before I started working. To just get us settled and, get Alexis, into school and dance and all of those things.
Meet [00:03:00] people, get everything done. And so I decided, to do that, and then it was the holidays and so I thought I'll wait until after the holidays and then in January of 2013, I was on my computer looking for jobs and my, one of my best friends called me. And she asked me to come down and have girls weekend with her at her parents' lake house.
So I went down there in February. She said, don't get a job yet.
Okay.
Okay. And I didn't. I said, okay. And so I waited and in February I went down and. We were, we had a wonderful weekend. It was amazing. And we were leaving and I was, I had my hands full and I was going down some stairs and it was in the morning.
It was dewy and the stairs were slippery and I. [00:04:00] Slipped like a cartoon character and fell flat on my back on the stairs.
And so that I couldn't move. They had to pick me up and put me in the car to take me to the hospital. And I was in the hospital for three days and I.
Finally asked a nurse, how can I get out of here? I just wanna go home. And she said, you have to get off pain medicine and you have to start walking around. And it was excruciatingly painful, but I walked a little bit and I cut back on my pain medicine and they let me go. So I got home and, a month goes by and I'm not feeling good.
And I went to a follow up appointment with the doctor, the spinal physician, and he said, you're fine. Like you should feel [00:05:00] better than you do, and you still don't need surgery. I had ruptured two discs in my back. But at a month he was like, you should be feeling better than you are.
Physically on what the x-rays or whatever shows that it's healed or you should feel better than you were. Okay.
Yes. And I still couldn't even sit in a chair for more than five minutes. So I went to a pain specialist after that and he said, no, I really think you are where you should be for now, but we're gonna put you in pt.
So I did that for, I don't know, like three or four months. I was getting cortisone injections in my back. And I just wasn't getting better. I was hurting all over. I was [00:06:00] really struggling. And my aunt who has fibromyalgia said, I think you have fibromyalgia. And I had, she got it. When she was 18, I think, or 20 around there in a car wreck, she got a in a car wreck and it triggered her fibromyalgia.
This back injury triggered mine. So she thought, I really think you have fibromyalgia. And I had seen. How she lived her life and I really didn't want that for myself and so I denied it. Ali,
for those of us who don't know, could you explain a little bit what fibromyalgia is?
Yes. So it is a diagnosis when you have had tests run and everything else comes back clear, but you still have four main symptoms, which are pain for more than.
[00:07:00] Six months, I think is what the diagnosis is. IBS symptoms sleep, problems with sleep and fibro fog, which is where you're mentally you just have trouble thinking and putting thoughts together and that kind of thing.
Okay,
So it's a cluster of. Symptoms that define what fibromyalgia is.
And it is genetic. It's in your DNA, but it's like other things in your DNA, you have to have something happen to make it come on board.
Okay.
Interesting.
I did not know
that part. Yes. So typically it is, or often it is a spinal cord or brainstem injury, but it can [00:08:00] also be having a big illness if you have cancer or you get mono for mononucleosis for more than six months, I think.
And also if you just have an extremely stressful event in your life that can also bring it on it does not have a cure. And there is, they say that there is medicine specifically for it, but there's really not everything that they prescribed for it came from something else. But it's really the prescriptions they give you are to treat.
Your symptoms, not the actual fibromyalgia.
Okay. Thank you. That was so helpful. And that in that you said was about 13 years ago that you've now lived with this?
Yes. I got a diagnosis in 2015, which is early for someone with [00:09:00] fibro, but it's because I already had established myself with my physician and because my aunt.
Was telling me almost right away, I think you have fibromyalgia. Yes.
Okay. So tell me when about this you, so when you got the diagnosis of it, and then just tell me about that while, let's bring in your, while you're also a mom, right? Caring for a child at this time.
Yes. So
what was that
like in when 2015, I got a diagnosis and I was pretty devastated.
I felt it was confusing for such a long time, which makes a diagnosis helpful. But also I just thought my daughter is young still and I didn't want that for her. I didn't want her [00:10:00] to grow up with that kind of mom. I wanted to be. So much more involved. And I was at a place where it was really difficult to do so many things, and I was really worried that was impacting her and in a way that I didn't want.
That makes complete sense. Before you have this, we have this expectations of what motherhood is going to be like for us.
Yes.
What, after this, during, from the diagnosis, the journey, when the confusion wasn't there, maybe it was set in that you had this illness, what expectations, what did it look like, the changes in your motherhood, or what did you have to change in your expectations?
I really had to change my expectations and physically doing. The things I [00:11:00] wanted to be a PTA mom. I wanted to volunteer. I wanted to go to every ballet, re, rehearsal. Practice and soccer practice and, just everything. And I just couldn't do it. I tried at first and it was just too much.
I. Initially, I would take her to school and I would pick her up, and I couldn't do both. I had to choose one or the other, and it made more sense for me to pick her up after school. So my husband would take her to school and I would rest all day until. It was time for her to, get out and me to go and pick her up and bring her back.
I completely, at that point, I felt like I was surviving and not thriving, but. [00:12:00] That in that time period, I feel like that it was completely normal. Now, looking back, I feel that way, but at the time I felt like n not a good mom. I felt like a bad mom.
Did your daughter at all was there any like feedback?
Tell me what you received from her.
I protected her a lot from it by resting. During the day when she didn't see it. And on weekends I would do something with her and then my husband would do things with her or she would go see friends, and not have to see that so much when she got home.
I would, work with her on homework and start getting dinner ready and have dinner and then rest and. Do it all over again. And so I protected her a [00:13:00] lot. But of course she knew, of course she knew, but at the same time this was her only mom. This was all, yeah, this is also all she knew.
And maybe what you just explained is the answer to this next question, but what would you say was the hardest part about being a mom with fibromyalgia that people might not understand?
Honestly, the hardest part is, it's called an invisible illness. You look fine, but you don't feel fine. A lot of doctors will tell you that you're fine because all the tests have come back and you're good.
When I started. Taking care of myself with my fibromyalgia, my I would go and see my doctor and I was actually in better shape physically, but I still have this pain every single day. I'm still exhausted and I'm still not sleeping. [00:14:00] But to the outside world, I looked fine. So that was the biggest struggle is that I had to say no a lot, and yet I seemed fine.
Did you feel guilty about that?
Guilty so guilty. Yes. Yes. And I tried to. Involve myself, do Bible study and book clubs and try to keep myself in social situations. But it made it worse, and then I couldn't be there as much for my family, and so I would have to. Not fully understanding myself at that time.
I would have to back out a lot. And then I felt really terrible about that. And my friends and family would just say, just eat better. [00:15:00] Just exercise more.
Yeah. They mean but yes,
they're so well-meaning. And yet it would, that would just make it worse. Yeah. For my body.
And so how did you handle that guilt?
Oh, how did I handle it? I felt like in the beginning I did not handle it well. I internalized a lot of it. At the time I didn't understand that emotions also put an enormous burden on my body, as does physical burdens. Stress is stress and that honestly even includes. Really good stress when you're having a really good time.
Interesting. All of it is stressful for a fibro body, and so it is still a burden. You have to really manage that well. And so I [00:16:00] had to learn, to let go of certain people who were not supportive for me, which was really hard, but it would make me feel so much worse after I had encounters with them.
And so I stopped. I think that probably took right, several years, but I had to. Be Chos about who I spent my time with and how I spent my energy,
and it sounds like. That, that this wasn't like, again, like this was a journey over years, right? Oh, that you might be talking about how, the hard or felt more guilt at the beginning, but if you get to the point where you've probably done it enough, where you feel empowered, then to say, I actually could protect my peace, and that person is not.
Like [00:17:00] supportive. So it sounds like it just thinking about the process again, like reps of you becoming stronger throughout it, that with each of the experience that you met.
Yes, for sure. The experiencing it over and over again made a huge difference and it really. Helped me to, I don't even wanna say help.
I really felt like I almost didn't have a choice because it was painful. And I would have to recover for three days or a week. Literally just being in bed that entire time until I could feel better. It wasn't really a choice at that point.
If there's somebody else who. May, might not be fibromyalgia.
But if they have something that they're equating your experience with, just to bring to light so that they can also feel seen, heard, understood. Tell me what was going on in your mind. What [00:18:00] certain lies or doubt now you realize are lies you might not have at the time. Did you believe about yourself when you were.
I don't know. You can go with when you were first diagnosed, what you were believing and then maybe a little bit later too. But then now when you look back, you're like, oh yeah, that was a lie that I was telling myself,
oh, there were so many lies. I felt like it was all my fault. I had done this to myself.
I always, I was a workaholic and I really pushed myself when I was younger and I was working and I knew when I didn't feel good. I have had chronic migraines since I was 17, and so if I pushed myself too far, I would end up with a migraine and. Of course, looking back, I thought I was building up for it, like [00:19:00] building up to this.
I made this happen myself. I pushed myself so much, way too far and now look how it's affected my family. And I felt I honestly, I felt like God wasn't punishing me, but I felt like. It was happening to me. He allowed it to happen which I still believe, but not in the same head space as I did then.
Right.
Back then I felt like he was forcing me to quit working. So that I would be closer to my family, and I will tell you the result of having fibromyalgia is that I am closer to my family, but I don't feel now that God was. Kicking me down the stairs or anything like that.
No, that was super helpful.
I know listeners, I want them to hear, 'cause a lot of moms not even in your particular [00:20:00] situation, will relate to that. Those same thoughts are going through their head right now. But that's exactly what they are. They are lies. They're not true.
They are lies for sure. Yes. Yes. And they hold you back.
Yes. So tell us what a good day 'cause and I have heard this as our time working together, right? Like there you have your good days, and then there's what I think, if this is the right word, a flare day.
Yes.
What does that like particularly look like?
So a good day now looks like. Getting up and feeling better than I did the day before.
It feels I'm able to do some stretches or some yoga, some exercises. I can I get some work done, laundry, cleaning up, tidying up, that kind of thing. But I don't. I don't get out of the house like I used [00:21:00] to. Sometimes if I feel like I need to get outta the house I will take a drive with some nice, I put my music on and I crank it up and I take a drive.
If I'm feeling really good, I can actually get dressed and put on some makeup and go, out to dinner with my husband or go shopping. Sometimes even if I don't need anything, I still go stroll target
because we understand
that it's so fun. Yes. And so that's what a good day looks like, which.
Again, back in, in the days before when I was really struggling, that would have looked like so small and and not very valuable. And now it is. I have seen that it is incredibly valuable. Just [00:22:00] immensely. Helpful for my mind and my heart, and then that reflects out onto my family and my friends. So a flare day looks I'm I told you I'm counting my steps these days.
And I had a day on Sunday where I just rested and I think I had 600 steps. It was, that is really minimal. That's just hanging out in bed. Lots of pillows, heating pads, lots of creams and lotions and things to pain, pain relievers. I watch movies. I watch Great British Bake Off.
I watch friends.
Do you know right when you wake up, if it like, is it a sensation in your body that tells you whether do you that know if there's a flare going on or not?
Definitely. Okay. Usually what [00:23:00] happens is that I don't sleep well at all because I'm in so much pain that I'm not able to sleep.
And so I'll wake up lots and lots of times throughout the night. Brain fog feels like when you've just had a baby and you're nursing or feeding that newborn all night long, and you just feel like you can't function. That's what that brain fog, that fibro fog feels so there's definitely a lot of that when I'm in a flare.
For me, different pe people with fibromyalgia have different primary symptoms. And for me, unfortunately, pain is my primary symptom. And so for instance, right now, I am, I got a lot of pain going on. It is all over, all throughout my body. Super achy and when they [00:24:00] say flare, that's a really accurate actu, sorry, accurate description.
It feels like all your nerves are flared out and a little bit on fire.
And that's happening right now.
Yes. Yes.
Okay. Because you're exactly right when you're saying it's an invisible, because I'm just looking at a very put together, so cute in your outfit and makeup and you're like sitting there and it's like a normal which I do know, not every time we meet for coaching, it will, it looks like this.
But even right now for you to say that you're in pain or that flare is happening that's incredible. Wow.
Yeah,
I wanna bring your daughter back into this. So tell me obviously it's been, decade plus since she's grown, but anything that like, how like that you needed to explain to her, was it easy to understand?
Again, you're the only mom she knows, or the only way, like the way that you needed to act or care for her, but anything from her [00:25:00] perspective that you've learned or that might be helpful for a mom who. Is going through something like similar or has those same thoughts that, that you would want them to know?
Yes. Actually I love this question because I can look back and she is an adult now. She's 23, almost 24. And we have talked about it a lot. And she has said every time. That she would never wish fibro on me, of course, but to have me home and to get, to spend all that time with me and to have me as her person, especially right after school.
I, I would pick her up every day after school and we would talk and we would come home and sit and have a little snack and we would talk some more. And she said that was. The best [00:26:00] blessing for her to have that with me. And of course as a mom, that was my favorite part of the day too was to just get to have those conversations with her every day.
That meant so, so much to me. I'm gonna cry. Try not to cry. So that was super important to me also, as I. Grew to better understand my fibro and to just take better care of my body. There were so many nights where we would have a bed picnic.
That sounds so fun.
Which I would've never done as a mom before I would've, we had to eat at the dinner table every night and and I just couldn't do that.
And so they would come to me and we would literally get a blanket. A picnic blanket out and lay it on the bed and we would all get in bed and pile in the bed and eat, [00:27:00] together. And I still do that with my husband just not as frequently as I had to in the past. But. We would, she loved that.
She still, she's an adult now and she tried to convince me that I needed to get a bigger bed so that she would still be able to fit in it.
It sounds like you just, you get creative, right? You get creative. And I, and it sounds like she's a thriving adult right now yes. And you're, and you can actually look back and see like the blessings that it did.
That came out of it, right? Yes. Yes.
And
that she was fine. All the things your earlier mom brain might have thought do you think a lot of them were wrong?
Oh, so many. I thought that because I couldn't do all those things that. I say a good mom did that I was not, that I was a failure, that I was going to be a failure, that she just would have this [00:28:00] burden.
I had read a lot that children of people with chronic pain. Feel like they can't have a life, that they have to stay and take care of their parent. She has not done that. As she lives in Hawaii, which is so
lucky,
Very far from Texas. And, maybe in a way that helped me because it really helped me zone in and be a better parent where I could be.
It's so much about heart. It's not about, it's not so much about doing, it's about being, it's about. Being there for her listening, being there for yourself. I was one of those huge believers that self care was selfish. I, I really believed that.
And then you met me.
I know.
Did you turn [00:29:00] that around quick?
I turned it around completely, yes.
Now let's actually go there. How has working with a coach helped you navigate this?
It has helped me so incredibly much. I love coaching. I've been, I will tell you, so my degree is in psychology. And when I was, I have gone to therapy for pain management, which helped immensely, but I was still missing something.
I couldn't. I was still really struggling with my thinking and my perspective. I had I had goals that I was not reaching. And I listened to an audio book about how your brain works and how you can really change, you really can change your brain and how you really can change your thinking. And I [00:30:00] thought, that sounds amazing and I wanted to that, how do I get that?
And I'll tell you what you don't know what you don't know. You can't think. Thoughts that you've n not thought before.
I get you. I totally get you.
And so having a coach to open your mind to things that you, that feel absolutely true to you, but are from such a different perspective, from such a better perspective, is life changing.
I, I look back to where I was. Last April, and I can hardly believe that I've, I have changed so much in a year.
It's
amazing
You have, I've been able to watch that and and as someone who's had coaching, totally changed my life for the better. I [00:31:00] totally get what you're saying. It is. If we, I kept saying to myself like, Danielle, you're smart.
You're college educated. You, why do you keep finding yourself back in this same place? I couldn't get a grasp, like a hold. And so Yeah, I know how and in your case, when we're not feeling great physically, the toll that takes on our mind and our mindset. And then it becomes habit, right?
When we just, like our brains wanna focus on the negative and then this is this is doom and gloom and this is awful and I'm always gonna feel this pain all the time. And there's just, it gets locked in a way, right?
Absolutely. Yeah. And it's so easy. It's honestly, it's normal to do that. Our brain, our body and brain chemistry are made to shut down.
When we're having pain, it's a survival technique and so you, it's so [00:32:00] hard to get out of that when you are struggling, to, you can't, it's really hard to thrive when you are. Surviving.
And let me ask you this, I'm curious because there's all types of coaches and there, there are, there's coaches with that, have very specific what we call niches, right?
You chose a life coach, you chose me, right? Why did you choose a life coach instead of maybe a chronic illness coach?
I chose a life coach because. I felt like I had my fibromyalgia pretty well maintained, but I didn't have my life. My thoughts were not well maintained. I really wanted to feel [00:33:00] better about.
For instance, staying at home. I remember when I first came to you, I was so upset that I couldn't leave the house. I just was so focused on that. I was focused on the fact that I couldn't decorate my house the way I wanted to, which would be. Doing it, going shopping and getting everything and coming home and putting everything up and doing it all in, one weekend or something.
And I was really focused on the, I can't and now I'm so happy. I just, I don't even think about those things. They don't even occur to me anymore. And that is miraculous.
Yeah. This is what I love because even just talking with you today. Where this is not a coaching situation that I learned stuff I didn't even know.
And I didn't even fully understand fibromyalgia. And just hearing [00:34:00] it from you and your experience, but this is what, it's so interesting. I didn't need to know any of that. Yes. In order to help you with all of the other like life situations and goals you had and things. So
yes.
And yeah, that is the beauty of it.
Yes. And you're so focused on your fibromyalgia, but you still have a life. And it has been so wonderful.
I love it. Okay.
Do it if you
finish. So
if you're thinking about doing
it, do I do it? We could keep going. We can keep talking, but I too do try and know they're busy Moms out there, even though you know you all can put me on like double speed or put us on one and a half speed when you listen to us.
This is one of the longer episodes. But before we go, I just wanna what is one thing you might want other moms that have chronic conditions to know?
I want you to know that I see you and I understand it is an invisible [00:35:00] illness even if you are. Going through chemo or My, one of my best friends has MS and she's really struggling right now.
We can look fine, we can put on a really good face. But behind closed doors, we are just. Really struggling in our minds and our bodies and I see you and I feel that and you're not alone. That's the one thing that I would want. Love that them to know the most. Yes.
And how about if you went to a, like a, you ran into a newly diagnosed mom who's like grieving the life she thought she would have.
What would you say to her?
I would say. Believe it or not, it does get better. I really had a hard time believing that at the time, but it does get better. It does. Your pain gets more [00:36:00] manageable. All the symptoms are more manageable. They can be managed. But what came out of this is I have better relationships.
My, my relationship with my husband is better. My relationship with my daughter is better. I have five friends who I adore and I let go of the rest, and I don't regret it at all. I just love them so much. I'm more organized. I'm better prepared in life. Those are things I had to learn, but now I love that.
I love that because you can use it in so many areas of your life. And so there are so many things that. You can do. That's the other thing I wanted to say is, we just took a trip to Europe, which I never thought I would be able to do. We've been to Hawaii. We did 12. [00:37:00] 12 state, 10 day road trip a few years ago which was super fun with the family.
I can't do those things all the time, but they are possible. And that is. That truly enriches my life and deepens my relationships
I love that ally. 'cause you know that there is somebody who's listening who was newly diagnosed with something, and this is gonna be so super helpful.
And even for you, other listeners out there who might not necessarily have a chronic illness, I think you can take from Allie's story and all of her great wisdom that she said today to find a new kind of strength. Or even if it is just that last piece of advice, that you're not alone or that over time.
You can have a different perspective or reaching for outside help with coaching to help you create those goals that you want, despite what it is that you might be fighting to get stronger in. So Ally, thank you so much for coming [00:38:00] today. I knew that it would just be a, an avenue to give peace of mind to my listeners out there, so I so appreciate you being here.
Thank you so much for having me.
All right, everyone. That is the podcast for the week and until next time, may peace be with you always. Thank you for listening to The Peaceful Mind Podcast. If you've been feeling a quiet desire for more peace and steadiness in your motherhood, I invite you to take the next step by scheduling a Peaceful Mom strategy.
call at www.daniellethienel.com You'll also find the link in the show notes. It would be an honor to support you at any stage of your motherhood journey.
