Episode 277 Transcript
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[00:00:00] You are listening to episode 277 of the Peaceful Mind Podcast.
Welcome to the Peaceful Mind Podcast, a place for creating the peace of mind. You need to be the best mom you are created by God to be. If you want to bring more balance, more joy, and more peace to your motherhood, this is the place for you. I'm your host, certified life coach and Catholic mom, Danielle Thienel.
In the name of the Father of the Son and of the Holy Spirit. Let's get started.
Hello, beautiful mamas and welcome back to the podcast. I'm so grateful and humbled that you're here today choosing to spend your precious time. I hope you find that it's totally worth it, especially since this episode is really just something [00:01:00] I think that many of you just need to hear. It might be one of those that I would label Tough Love episodes, right?
Because this is gonna be an important conversation that we have, and I literally think of the mom out there who might be fooling herself and. I want you to see as if I'm like standing there right in front of you. I'm coming from so much love, but also from some passion and enthusiasm that I'm hoping you will see yourself with more clarity after you listen to this episode.
Of course ultimately when that happens, right when you can see yourself with more clarity, you are then well on your way to being able to change, to welcome in more peacefulness about whatever subject that you might be, fool yourself right now at the moment. Yes, this is what I'm talking about. Those little [00:02:00] lies, those little justifications, those stories that we tell ourselves that might feel comfortable in the moment in our life, but ultimately, they are keeping you from experiencing true peace.
I am calling this episode, Stop Fooling Yourself: What You Need To Know For True Peace. I had my own powerful awakening before that kind of catapulted me into this life coaching journey for myself. I really was fooling myself that it wasn't me that was creating the overwhelm, but that it was everyone else.
That is the example I really have of myself fooling. I believe that I had to do everything, that I don't have any other choices. That the reason why I was either yelling at the kids or feeling bad about, what was going on in my life was because of [00:03:00] what other people were doing to me.
Those kind of thoughts, and that story just replayed in my head. And so what happened is that it was like my life was on replay. I kept feeling stressed. I kept being in overwhelm. I kept not being able to figure things out. I kept blaming others, right? But even during that particular challenging time, God was present and I really do believe that he sent me the illness that I got and the higher thoughts that he was wanting for me directed to my mind.
And then of course, I eventually believed that he sent me a life coach that really had me stopping, becoming way more aware of my life and gave, opened me up to opportunities to be able to stop fooling myself.
I remember what if [00:04:00] something right now that you are believing, what if none of it is actually true? What if in certain areas you have been fooling yourself? I know our immediate reaction when you hear me say that could be one is that of course your brain it wants to go on the defense.
But when we really stop and examine some things about our lives, when we realize that maybe we're not getting the help we need, or we're not seeing any differences or changes, maybe then you might feel empowered to say yes to. To making some different changes, taking some different steps, at least just to be open to see if there is another way.
So where I want to start is I want to just open up [00:05:00] and give you some more awareness on what are some of those common ways that we fool ourselves. And I'm really bringing you this episode because I have seen this with my clients, right? I can see where I. It comes out in excuses is one way. And oftentimes the clients realize it too.
They're like I'm onto myself now. I see that I've been making excuses. But again, the brain is trying to protect you so much from change and admitting to maybe we have shortfalls or something like that. So it's trying to protect us. But today I'm hoping that you can. Push through that level of protectiveness that lower part of your brain offers you, so that we can go to that higher part and really start creating that life you want.
So let's start by recognizing what some of those most common ways that we deceive ourselves as [00:06:00] moms, as women, and simply as human beings. That, because all of us are really just trying to navigate the beautiful and the messy that makes up this human life. So the first way is what I call the, just this once mentality.
This shows up when we make exceptions to our boundaries or values, telling ourselves this is just a one time thing. I'll just check my work email during. I don't know family dinner this once, right? If you have your phone beside you, or I'll just skip my prayer time just today. It's busy or I didn't get as much sleep as I wanted last night.
Whatever your brain's offering, I'll handle this for my child. Just this once I, how many of you can relate to that? I know, I do. I think about that when I was packing for a trip recently and my son, I'm just like, I [00:07:00] know that he is old enough to be able to do this for himself, but just one more time, I'll just pack for him.
I'll handle this. Just this once. I was so fooling myself. Here's the truth about it. Just this once really rarely stays that way. Each exception that we make, it actually weakens our resolve in our brain. We're actually teaching it the habit, a different habit than we morally want to, and it blurs our boundaries before we know it.
We then have done it several times and then we're on our way to establishing a new pattern that actually doesn't align with what we truly value. And then we're left wondering why we feel so disconnected right from our purpose or from whatever it was that you wanted. Like for instance, with my son, it's like my purpose is for him to be able to think through and make decisions for himself and go ahead and go to the [00:08:00] future to plan, to be able to.
Be able to pack and navigate what he would need or things that he wouldn't need on his own. This is really ultimately what I want, but look how I was fooling myself that if I say just this once. Okay.
The second common self-deception. That where we fool ourselves is, and this is a big one, this is a big one.
All my clients who listen to the podcast back will be like, oh yeah I either know what she's gonna say, or as soon as I say it, they'll be like, yes, I hear her talk about this all the time. And this second common way that we fool ourselves is. Is the, I'll be happy when trap, I'll be happy when the kids are older.
I'll be happy when we move to a bigger house. I'll be happy when I lose those 15 pounds. I'll be content when my marriage improves. This type of a mindset [00:09:00] keeps us perpetually postponing our peace and joy, which I again, get all riled up about because I don't want you beautiful mamas to postpone your peace and joy because peace and joy doesn't come from the bigger house, from when the kids are older, from when you lose 15 pounds.
It really doesn't. And we often just have all like the joy that could be had, the peace that could be had in our life because we delay it, we put it on hold, we say it's, we won't have it until then. And when you do have the bigger house, there is 500 more things that your brain will add to worry about.
Okay. Always just placing things beyond your grasp is what the, I'll be happy when trap always does for you. 'cause the truth is that happiness isn't, it's not that destination again when we [00:10:00] arrive. At when our circumstances all align perfectly. I promise you, because we live a human life, there will be more new circumstances that arise, that will put us off balance or won't align perfectly right?
Peace and joy is available to you. All right now in this exact present moment that we're together. Even amid the imperfection of what's going on in your day. So when we fool ourselves by postponing joy, we miss the beauty and growth that's available to us right now. We just miss it.
Third, the third common way we fool ourselves is we often deceive ourselves with the belief that we can control others.
This shows up in thoughts like if I just explain it the right way, then my husband will understand. [00:11:00] If I'm a good enough mom, my children will then always make good choices. If I do everything right, everyone else will be happy. This is perhaps one of the most exhausting forms of self-deception because it places a burden on us that no human can bear.
Right? The responsibility for other people's thoughts, other people's feelings, other people's actions. Again, trying to control others and be responsible for all of it. Exhausting, right? The truth is we can influence. We can influence. And that is why I totally want to help moms individually because I know when I do, when you change, when you learn the processes and strategies and tools, I have to create peace.
Anytime you then become the example for your family and that's how you [00:12:00] influence them to change. But we never have control over others. And peace comes from understanding that difference between influence and control.
And finally, which I've hinted to it with these other common ways that we fool ourselves, is we think that there's a perfect mom ideal, that impossible standard we hold for ourselves, that good moms don't lose their patients.
Good moms always have a clean house and healthy meals prepared. Good moms know intuitively what their children need. Good moms don't need breaks, et cetera, et cetera. These perfectionist standards aren't just unrealistic. They're actually damaging to you. They set us up for perpetually feeling like a failure.
They rob us of the grace-filled truth that we are beautifully [00:13:00] human and we're all just learning and growing alongside our children too. Okay? So those are the common ways that I see that we fool ourselves and that is what this episode is bringing to mind, right? They are the do you have the just this once mentality.
Like I'll do it just once. Are you have like self decieving yourself when you say, I'll be happy when, and you keep yourself in that trap. Are you believing that you can control others or you're spending your precious time and energy trying to do that? And then are you trying to live up to a perfect mom ideal.
If so, I want you to just recognize it today. There is no shame in it. There doesn't need to be any judgment. I just want you to be glad. Oh, [00:14:00] yes. Thank you. I'm so glad you reminded me and shed awareness and light on this today for me, Danielle, because I want you to stop fooling yourself because when you do, you are gonna catapult yourself towards more peace in your life. More peace of mind.
Okay, so let's talk about why we resist this truth that I'm offering, right? So in these forms of self-deception they, if they cause us pain, then why do we clinging to them so tightly? Why do we resist seeing them and embracing them as truth? I want to say first because you're human and you have a human brain, and the brain works in a way that you, listeners, you may know from listening to the podcast, or if you're a client of mine, you definitely know.
But if you want to know more about how to the brain works or how to use it and retrain it in a way that supports your peace and [00:15:00] joy, then that is what coaching provides. Here just for what I can explain to you on the podcast is just knowing that our brains have a fear of what change might require from us, right?
The truth and not fooling ourself it is going to demand that you get into some different kind of action than you are right now. And the brain doesn't like it. The brain wants to stay status quo. It doesn't want to change, right? So for instance, if I admit I've been ignoring my health, I might need to change my habits.
If I acknowledge my resentment stems from my own poor boundaries, I'll need to start setting them and following through on them. If I recognize I've been using busyness to avoid deeper issues, then I'll have to face those issues. Do you see how all of those things will require [00:16:00] discomfort? It will require using energy.
It will. It will require you putting, hold on, temporary pleasures for a, like a long-term gain. And sometimes Satan, like he knows you feel safer than the unknown path of change. So he will use that against us. And even when. That familiar voice right is causing us pain. We still actually will just air for the safer route.
But again, what I'm here to remind you is that discomfort of growth is temporary. And when we're fooling ourselves and we stay in that place, we're actually bringing on, I. A pain of self-deception that will linger. It'll linger indefinitely. [00:17:00] So second, I want you to know why we resist the truth instead of and why we tend to fool ourselves is that we all find comfort in familiar patterns, right?
Even if the pattern is unhealthy, our brains are wired to prefer what's known over what's new. Ooh, that's good. I'm gonna repeat that. Okay. Our brains are wired to prefer what's known over what's new even when what's known isn't serving us. And this is why even positive change can feel uncomfortable at first.
So I see this in my clients who struggle with people pleasing. They know that their yes to everyone else means no to themselves and their priorities. They feel the exhaustion and resentment building. But saying no, when [00:18:00] other people are asking you for something, especially if you have that really strong mentality like that, I must serve.
And that's a, it's a really good thing to, to be in service of others all the time. If that is your belief, then saying no will feel so uncomfortable. It's, it doesn't feel natural in your identity as a people pleaser, right? And so you will continue in that familiar pattern again and again despite the cost.
And let me just tell you, if you're someone who you know, you're a people pleaser, there is a cost, a very big cost to your joy, to the balance that you want in your life, to your peace of mind.
And then third reason why I want you to like, know why it's solely like you're normal and why you might resist the truth, and instead stay keeping fooling yourself is that social pressure in comparison, it [00:19:00] actually fuels our self-deception. We move farther away from connecting with our own true self, through social pressure and comparison. We look around at other moms, other families, other marriages, usually through the distorted lens of social media, right? And we think everyone else has it together.
Everyone else is handling more than I am with grace and ease. What's wrong with me? This comparison leads you to deny your own struggles. It has us maybe feeling shameful, which has our us hiding our current challenges, and in doing those things, we are then rejecting the unique path God has for us and for our families.
It keeps us fooling ourselves about what's really happening in our lives and what we truly need. So I remember working with a mom and she came to me [00:20:00] like completely burned out. Okay. Three young children, part-time job, heavily involved in outside volunteer activities in particular one of a church ministry.
And from the outside she did look like she was thriving. But when she came to me, when you can come to a safe place that is judgment free. That I am there. Like I, I know busy, overwhelmed moms it was myself. I can remember like yesterday, and I know the difference is that inside she was crumbling, right?
And so together we explored what was internally driving this unsustainable pace, right? And within that within the coaching, it was revealed that there was a particular person that she constantly compared herself and this other person like did more right and never seemed stressed. She was able to [00:21:00] handle it all right?
I actually tried to have her see from a different perspective that perhaps she could be wrong at what she's thinking was true about her friend. Not that I wanted her friend to be in any kind of like despair or overwhelm, but what I know is true that is a hundred percent true is that all of us, no matter what our social media looks like, no matter how put together we seem on the inside, we are all flawed.
Okay? What happened in the garden? It has set that our time on Earth will always be positive and negative, so I never deceive myself anymore thinking that there's a person out there who doesn't have issues, who doesn't have challenges and I love that thought brings me peace. So anyways, I just wanted you to see that I could label it that my client was [00:22:00] fooling themselves, right?
Fooling themselves by what they were choosing to believe about this other person and saying yes to everything. And she was missing out on the support until she knew that something needed to change and she actually reached out to me and we, I was able to just help her see things more clearly that she couldn't do on her own.
So when we stopped deceiving ourselves, when we stopped fooling ourselves, we not only find personal freedom, but we then create a space for authentic connection with others who also are struggling with our same challenges. Okay let's talk about a little bit about that freedom, right? Instead of what's not going well, right?
The freedom when you stop fooling yourself, when we actually face reality, what happens when you find the courage to stop fooling yourself? What awaits you [00:23:00] on that other side? I want you to see that you can get real solutions for your life, but only when you stop fooling yourself. Because without, if we continue to fool ourselves, we can't create any space to be where we are in a place to welcome in a solution, right?
So when we acknowledge the truth of our situation, maybe the truth is yes, I am 15 pounds over my ideal weight, right? Maybe the truth of our situation is I can't remain a calm mom and not yell at my kids if I continue the pace I'm going at or the amount of things I'm taking on, right? When we first acknowledge the truth of our situation.
So I want you to think right now, where in your life might you be fooling yourself? Okay? We have to acknowledge it first, whether it's that we're feeling [00:24:00] overwhelmed, that a relationship is struggling, that our spiritual life has become a little hollow or that we've lost connection. We haven't decided on our purpose for where we are in life now.
Only then, when you first acknowledge that place, you've been fooling yourself, can you then open the door to genuine growth and change? I've seen this time and time again in my coaching practice that the moment a mom admits I'm not okay, or this isn't working, that's often the turning point where real transformation begins.
It's like turning on a light like in a dark room. Suddenly you can see what needs attention and that then we can begin addressing it and addressing it effectively, especially through coaching. And then there is just a profound piece that comes from this honesty from this alignment. When your outward life really reflects your inner truth and your desires, your [00:25:00] actions align with your values, meaning your yes starts to mean yes.
And your no really means no. This alignment removes the exhausting battle in your brain, the cognitive dissonance of living in contradiction to your truth. I'll never forget when I was at that one job and I just, yeah I really didn't wanna say yes to it. I really wanted to say no, and it was exhausting.
I just felt out of alignment, and as soon as I admitted that to myself that this isn't where I wanna spend my time and attention. Until I just remember feeling so much peace and realignment when I finally declared that this job was not something I was going to continue with. Just think about how it feels when you're saying yes to something.
While every part of you is screaming no, or when you're pretending to be fine while [00:26:00] inside you're struggling. That internal conflict, it consumes an enormous amount of energy, and we have limited time and energy. That's also something where lots of women fool themselves. I call it I say don't be a robot, is what I've said in my divine time book.
Because robots are ones that don't need to replenish energy, but moms, we're not robots, okay? So when you align your external life with your internal truth, you will reclaim that energy. You'll be able to have that energy for what truly matters in your life. And then there's just a surprising ease that comes with living.
Truthfully, we facing reality it, it does require courage. It requires commitment. But there [00:27:00] is, as soon as you do, as soon as you take action on the courage and really commit to seeing something through, there is this unexpected lightness that follows. When I'm working with my clients through this, I'll always ask them, so how do you feel now?
And they will say, relief. You no longer need to maintain the facade. You no longer have to remember which version of the story you told to whom you're simply living from your center. Your truth, you're anchored in a reality rather than this wishful thinking or fear. Okay, here, I just wanna go straight to the practical.
If you wanna stop fooling yourself. I bet you say, so how do I begin, how do I begin this journey towards honest living and gaining the peace that you're telling me that it brings Danielle? And I wanna offer you some practical steps to help you first identify and then overcome the ways that you might be fooling yourself.
The [00:28:00] first one is what I call a thought download. If you are a longtime listener, this is not gonna be new to you. I always ask you to take a piece of paper, you write at the top. In this case, you could put, what am I not wanting to see or admit right now? Okay. Again, the question, what am I not wanting to see or admit right now?
Then you set a timer, five minutes, 10 minutes, doesn't have to be long, and I want you to write without censoring yourself, let everything come out. Your frustrations, your fears, the things you've been pushing away or making excuses for. You could even put that at the top of the paper. What have I been making excuses for?
And this exercise is gonna be uncomfortable. I'm like, Hey, welcome. Come on in. Do you wanna have all this wonderful piece? Guess what? First you have to get a little uncomfortable, but it will be incredibly revealing and liberating. And then the second thing I want you to do once you do that is to look for the patterns in your [00:29:00] emotional reactions, right?
Those emotions are messengers. The recurring feelings of resentment, anxiety, or emptiness, they point us to the areas where we're not being honest with ourselves. If you find yourself consistently feeling resentful about a certain situation or relationship, ask yourself, what truth am I avoiding here?
What do I really want or need that I am not acknowledging right now? And then I want you to test your thoughts against reality. This is actually, this is my process for coaching. I help you uncover your thoughts, right? We look at those em emotions and I, and then I ask you questions that actually test them against reality.
So take one of those thoughts, one of the beliefs that you're having that's causing you pain. Perhaps it's something like, I have to do everything myself, or I can never say no. And ask yourself, is this [00:30:00] absolutely true? Can I know with 100% certainty that this is true? Then I want you to go looking for the evidence to the contrary.
Okay? Lastly, and this is in a lot of the last steps of all my processes, and that is for you to practice radical self-compassion. Discovering how you've been fooling yourself. It's not about harsh self-judgment ever. It's about loving yourself enough to live in your truth. Reminding yourself that all humans engage in self-deception.
We all do. It's part of our protective mechanisms. And you're not failing. By recognizing it, you're actually showing tremendous courage and self-awareness, which is needed in order to change whatever you're [00:31:00] fooling yourself about. And finally, I'm, if you are embarking on something, I know we talked about whether we're losing weight or we're becoming less of a people pleaser.
Or anything right now that you're fooling yourself, right? If it's, a relationship that that you have disconnected from, hopefully through this episode you have thought of something in your life, then I would love for you to create accountability around it. Accountability will have you showing up more committed.
So who can you share your insights with and your intentions with? And sometimes it's a friend, sometimes it's a spouse. But I wanna offer that one of the easiest places is somebody who is not directly related that will give you the advice or tell you what you wanna hear. And [00:32:00] in that case. Would you want your own personal life coach to help you create accountability with whatever in your life you are fooling yourself about?
When we speak our truths allowed to someone else, they become more real and actually harder to ignore or rationalize away. And having somebody who can gently reflect back to you when you're slipping into old patterns or to show you new strategies that you just maybe never learned before, it can really be invaluable.
Alright everyone, as I wrap up today's episode, I want to challenge you to identify at least one area in your life where you might be fooling yourself. It could be something small or something significant, but choose one at least and look at it honestly this week. Ask yourself, what would change if I stopped deceiving myself in this [00:33:00] area?
What peace might be waiting for me on the other side of this truth? Remember, it's gonna feel uncomfortable in the moment, but it's the only path to lasting peace is when you go through it. When you just take it head on and as Jesus promised us, you will know the truth and the truth will set you free.
That freedom to live authentically, to align your life with your deepest values, to show up as your genuine self is what creates the space for true peace to flourish. And you don't need to tackle every single area. If you've named five or 10 things, you're fooling yourself about, you don't need to do it all at once.
Start with one. Embrace it. Embrace it with compassion. Take one small step toward living in alignment with it, and then that's how transformation happens. One courageous choice at a time. All right. As [00:34:00] always, thank you for joining me today, and if this episode resonated with you, I'd be so grateful if you'd share it with a friend who might be in need of this message too.
And remember, I'm always here cheering you on. I love to hear from you, and until I come back next week may peace be with you always.
Thank you so much for tuning in to today's episode of the Peaceful Mind Podcast. If you found value in today's episode, I'd be so grateful if you could subscribe and leave a review.
It not only supports the podcast, but ensures you don't miss out on future episodes packed with insights and tools. To create peace of mind in your busy mom life. And if you're of the Catholic faith like me or any Christian mom seeking to feel better in any area of your life and to show up more calm, connected, and confident, I can help become an empowered mom who knows how to bring about the changes you [00:35:00] desire, no matter the circumstances.
Whether you need one-on-one guidance to get there, prefer a group coaching program with like-minded women or a self-study course I've got you covered. Explore my private one-on-one packages. Join my Busy to Balanced group life coaching program, or delve into my signature course Divine Time. To find out which path is right for you, let's meet and see what's the best fit.
Schedule a free call with me at daniellethienel.com or send me a direct message on Facebook or Instagram @daniellethienelcoaching. And also don't forget to get your copy of my book, the Cyclone Mom Method, How To Call On Your God-Given Power To Remain Calm, In Control, and Confident As A Busy Mom. Dive into the digital and bonus audio version when you go to book.daniellethienel.com/new-book.
You'll find all the details in the [00:36:00] show notes too. Until next time, peace be with you always.
