Episode 279 Transcript
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[00:00:00] You are listening to episode 279 of the Peaceful Mind Podcast.
Welcome to the Peaceful Mind Podcast, a place for creating the peace of mind. You need to be the best mom you are created by God to be. If you want to bring more balance, more joy, and more peace to your motherhood. This is the place for you. I'm your host, certified life coach at Catholic Mom Danielle Thienel.
In the name of the father of the Son and of the Holy Spirit. Let's get started.
Hello there. Beautiful friends. This is Danielle Thienel and you're listening to the Peaceful Mind Podcast, we're on episode 279. I'm so grateful you're here today, carving out this little pocket of time for yourself. So whether you're folding laundry, hanging out by the pool, [00:01:00] sneaking in a walk, getting yourself ready, listening to a podcast, that's when I usually listen to mine.
I'm just honored to be your companion for the next little while. So today we're about something that touches all of us pretty deeply, and that is friendship and I want to talk about how to nurture those meaningful connections when life feels like it's too packed to do or if it's moving at lightning speed.
And I'm calling it the Friendship Refresh because sometimes our relationships, they need a little intentional tending. Like the garden maybe has grown some weeds and we need to, do that little refresh literally just had my own landscaping refreshed. So that's why I'm using that kind of metaphor.
It's feels so good to have the edging done and the weeds taken out. And then the new [00:02:00] mulch. And I love the smell of fresh cut grass, so it needs tending. And just like everything else in our life that matters, friendships need tending and a refresh too.
So just yesterday I was looking through old photos on my phone and I saw some pictures. It was back when, because my son, recently just had a milestone birthday and I was going back to some birthdays and I could see like from those, some of those early parties, the women and the moms and the friendships that I had. And now these boys are all like, I'm seeing like, then I'm turning to social media and I'm seeing pictures of them.
They're about to graduate, just like my son and kind of moms posting things like where they'll be going. But I'm just, was thinking from [00:03:00] seeing the moms about how little of them who are in my life now, or I really just think about how I really loved and cherished their friendships. And then yeah, they're not as rock solid and that's what sort of sparked this podcast episode.
So it hit me right. There's certain people that I'm like regularly in contact with, and then there's some of 'em where I'm not in contact at all, and I'm not saying that is a problem at all. I'm just saying that sometimes circumstances like this of seeing those kind of bring a new, kind of pain point to light.
And that is what I wanted to be sharing with you today. Again, not because anything went wrong, but because life happens, right? That's why people have people move. There's career changes, there's different seasons of parenting. Our paths naturally [00:04:00] diverge. And while there was a time when. That would've made me feel sad, right?
Or even oh, I failed on that friendship. Somehow I have come to recognize that there is a beautiful ebb and flow to life, and therefore there's a beautiful ebb and flow to the friendships that will be at the forefront or maybe in the background throughout our lives. So if you're ever feeling guilty about friendships that have drifted or maybe you're overwhelmed by the thought of maintaining connections when you can barely maintain your head above water with the household and everything you have going on.
Then I hope that this episode is especially meaningful to you. So let's just talk about the changing landscape of friendships, right? That's the first thing we need to acknowledge, and that's that friendship looks different in different seasons of life, [00:05:00] right? When I was in college, I think about my roommates and my friendships there, and that meant living together, studying together, eating together.
We were like practically in each other's pockets. But, once we graduated and life goes on and then motherhood comes at like it changes the landscape of those friendships dramatically. I remember when one of my children was about six months old and that I realized that I hadn't really had a real uninterrupted conversation with a friend in like months.
By now, I'd had, I'm thinking of my youngest when he was six months, and I, at three children by now, and it's not because I didn't value those relationships. It's pretty much, because I can remember I was in survival mode, which doesn't really leave much room for coffee dates. And then I also can think of a friendship that I had at that time where it was long distance and she was my longest and most [00:06:00] cherished friend.
And we literally talked almost every day of our pregnancies. And then in those first years of our kids. And I remember how I had very much an easy because it was pretty much a phone call a day. I had a easy time keeping that friendship tight and strong. Which leading up to having children, we had had a little bit where we had stepped away from the friendship and the motherhood stage, just renewed it again.
What I've learned from that, and what I want to share with you is that friendship isn't static. It evolves. It evolves as we evolve. And that's not only, okay, it's beautiful. So in this season of motherhood, I really appreciate quality over quantity. I'd much rather have three friends who truly know my heart than like 30 acquaintances who [00:07:00] know what I post on social media.
And really research out there backs this up, right? It's not the number of connections that contribute to our wellbeing, but it's the depth of those connections. And thank goodness, because I'm entering a stage where I have less chances to be around larger group of friends. When my daughter was part of the gymnastics team and when, when you have, like, when you're in the midst of school and you have, events at school and just the activities of your children, right? Where that is now less for me. And so there's less like larger kind of group friends getting together. So I've also come to value the different roles that friends play in my life, right?
I have coaching friends. I really do consider my clients, they might not even know it, but I really do consider them my friends. I know I'm their coach and I know that there's that professional coach [00:08:00] relationship, but in my mind, which that is where relationships take place is in the mind. I definitely see them as friends.
And so there's different roles than the ones that might be who live in your neighborhood, who go to your church, the ones that you can see, and then there'll be these friends who don't even live close by and maybe it's literally just communicating through text or again, comments or messages back on social media and you still consider them friends.
My mind actually does a little organizing or separating when I think of those that like friends who grew up in my neighborhood, friends that I only knew through my school years, my college friends. Then there's in my first career as a professional ballet dancer, I see those that I knew from there.
And then right now I have a lovely small tight group of coaching friends where we really connected through our certifications to become life coaches and then we met through different kind [00:09:00] of groups and mastermind and things like that. That's how my mind thinks about it.
But if you're somebody who is right now thinking that you have barriers to be able to connect with your friends, let's talk about what actually gets in the way of nurturing friendships. And the reason why is because I think naming our barriers, like becoming more aware of it is the first step to actually overcoming it.
So we can work towards having a refresh with our friendships, if that's what you want. So the most obvious one. The barrier to friendships is time. That's at least what your brain's gonna offer you, right? Between our obligations of work responsibilities, family needs, household management, trying to maintain your own wellbeing, right?
That's where you're, you can be like, where are we supposed to fit in a girl's night or coffee dates? I get it. Like I really do. And closely related to our thoughts [00:10:00] about our time and where we fit things in is our energy, right? These are our limited resources, time and energy because even when we do actually carve out time, sometimes we're just too depleted to engage, meaning meaningfully with our friends.
How many of us have finally scheduled a friend date only to spend the whole time yawning or struggling to form clear sentences maybe because we're so exhausted. Then there's that comparison, that insecurity that builds up in us. And social media doesn't help with this one.
That's when we're looking at these curated glimpses of other women's friends group. Maybe they've gone to spa days or group vacations, and then we wonder if our own friendships measure up to that. Or maybe there's some things where you're saying, I'm not involved with them, or they're not, they don't ask me to participate anymore.
We then hesitate to reach out because what if you do wanna get together and they come over and you're, [00:11:00] then you think our homes aren't perfect enough to host, or we're not interesting enough to have something to talk about. And then finally, there are those practical logistics that are barriers to creating that connection in our friendship.
Especially those with us who have young children. So coordinating schedules, finding childcare, managing different family needs. It can feel like organizing a really, a small military operation just to have coffee with a friend. And so when your brain anticipates all of that would need to be done for you to escape for a little while, right?
It probably tells you like it's not even worth it. And then that happens again and again. Again. And before we know it, we look and think, oh, i'm so disconnected from my friendship, but here's the actual truth, right? Friendship is worth navigating through those barriers because we [00:12:00] were created for connection.
It's not a luxury or an extra. It is part of your self-care routine, and you will be filled up by connections with your friendships. It really just is essential to our wellbeing. It's part of that self-care bucket that I want you to fill because then you will become a more efficient and effective mom.
And that's what I know you all want. You want to feel good about your mothering and where you are in life. And so this is one really vital piece of that puzzle, which is refreshing and connecting in your friendships. Studies consistently show that strong social connections are associated with greater happiness, better health, and even longer lives.
And this is exactly why we want it for our own children, right? Why we want them to have play dates, or we want them to have social gatherings, or we take them to the park and have them [00:13:00] interact right with other people because we know it'll make them happier and is better for their overall health. And so we want to be able to see that we are just as important to have this same kind of friendship connection as as they do.
And as St. Theresa of Calcutta said, if we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other. And friendship reminds us of our belonging. So let's talk about some strategies and hopefully some practical ways that you can open up your mind to and have a little bit more peace around how you could begin to nurture your friendships.
If that's something that you feel is like lacking and you want to put some focus to. So how do we actually maintain and nurture friendships when we're in the midst of a busy season, busy life? First of all, I wanna remind you that probably [00:14:00] isn't ever going away, this quote, having a busy life.
And yeah, maybe we can just lean or drop into that, that it really will take yourself being intentional and deliberate to make this be one of your goals. But I have some strategies that I've worked on for myself and for many of the moms I coach as well. And the first thing I want you to do is I want you to embrace what I'm gonna call here, micro connections.
It's, this is born on when I think about how, when moms want to be able to connect with Christ more, or they're feeling guilty because they're not praying more or they wanna add more sacraments to their life. And I'm just like, it doesn't have to be huge, right? It can be bite sized and those really do add up.
And so what, these micro connections that I'm opening you up to, they're small but meaningful touch points that you can have with your friends that maintain the [00:15:00] thread of a relationship when you can't do like grand gestures. So an example of a micro connection would be something like a quick text saying, Hey, I saw this and I thought of you, or a voice memo.
I'm using those more and actually my daughters have started sending me them back. So I do love that. A voice memo, maybe you send it while you're folding laundry. I mentioned earlier, like when we have a comment on social media that shows you're really seeing them. I just did this for one of the moms that my son went to preschool with, and I have on occasion, seen things here and there.
And I just wanted, I think she reached out when I had one of my books published, which was so kind. And I think she purchased one and I just was like so compelled to like, send out that micro connection, that touchpoint with her to give my congratulations for her super sweet, talented son who, who has recently just really [00:16:00] had something wonderful happen into his life besides the micro connections.
Second, I want you to get creative about combining your friendship with other responsibilities, right? So if you are deciding to add walks into your life every day. Why don't we set up walking dates, right? So instead of coffee dates, then you're gonna combine your exercise and connection with a friend.
What about trying to go grocery shopping with a friend, killing two birds with one stone? I know that it might seem like longer, or your brain might tell you like, how do I even do that? But anyways, like again, it was just an idea that spurred up for me and maybe somebody will take it and run with it.
Play dates where the kids entertain each other while moms talk. One of my favorite traditions is like the way I view it. It's like you're being productive with two things at the same time. And you can meet at one of your like houses [00:17:00] and maybe you even might have your laptop there and you work side by side for a couple hours.
Again, these will seem a little like unconventional or your brain might say oh, if I'm gonna be together with them, we might as well be talking and maybe you will, but. If your brain is not doing it at all because you're like, oh, I have this work to do. Again, why not just try it out? Try this parallel productivity thing where you're nurturing a friendship and also doing something that was on your to-do list.
Yeah. Maybe then you work in a lunch break where you're like, okay, this is the time we actually talk and catch up. The last kind of practical way that we could refresh and really connect in our friendships is to practice vulnerability as a shortcut to get that depth in your connection, in your friendships.
Sometimes when you have like small talk or superficial things, it takes a little bit more time to build connection. But sometimes when there's, you [00:18:00] are. Being like super honest and vulnerable about your life, that it really can create bonds much faster. This doesn't mean like dumping all your problems on someone, right?
Especially someone you like just met. But it does mean being willing to go beyond, like talking about the kids and the activities and the weather. One of my favorite questions to ask friends is what's bringing you joy right now? And what's feeling heavy? I love to know what's bringing them joy because.
And this actually just happened to me right when I was on a trip with my son and his friends and their moms. I knew that I needed to have my phone app ready to write in my notes. 'cause I knew I was going to hear and learn what's going on in the mom's lives that's working. I had a couple TV shows that I really got some good ideas about, I got some like nutrition things. And anyways I left with tons because I was asking them, Hey, what's bringing you joy right [00:19:00] now? What's working for you? And then also when you go the other way, there's is there anything you're feeling heavy about? And it opens the door to a real conversation.
As soon as you hear someone say something that inside you're like, oh my gosh, me too. Don't you automatically just have this like kindred spirit with that person. Yeah. And if somebody, if we're never vulnerable, right? Then we're always like. Working in like a facade that everything is great and hunky dory, which is not really how true life goes.
I actually don't really think that anymore. I know that if someone's giving off that persona, that everything's like perfect and going well, that I know that they're human and that they have a 50 50 life too, where there's positive and negative. So try being vulnerable and see what that does with connections.
Fourth, I want you to create sort of a rhythm of connection rather than relying on, oh, I just [00:20:00] hope, like maybe I'll meet up with somebody someday or maybe I'll run into them while I'm, dropping 'em off at practice or whatever. I want you to be more, more in a routine, right? So instead, I want you to build friendships that are like natural rhythms in your life.
So maybe that's like a monthly book club, right? Where there's a rhythm where at least you know, if you either create one or you look. To join one or see if anybody else is interested in starting one, then you will know well at least once a month on that. Every Wednesday night or at 6:00 PM or something, I'll be able to connect with those particular friends.
How about a standing early morning walk every Tuesday or an annual weekend away? I just met up with my college roommates. When we had our birth milestone birthdays altogether in the same year, and I hadn't seen a couple of those, a couple of [00:21:00] them since my wedding, but of course we talked like, Hey, what if we just make it an annual weekend so we don't go that long?
With having. And it was so much fun. I was filled up so much. I laughed and I just reminisced anyways. It was wonderful. And so why not build that into a routine and have it happen every year? Okay. Let's talk about the change of the seasons, and I'm talking about now I'm talk, not talking about summer to fall and fall to winter, when friendship seasons change. This part of it could be a little bit more difficult, but it is equally important recognizing when friendship seasons change, because not every friendship is meant to last a lifetime, and that's okay. Sometimes we outgrow people. We outgrow relationships. Sometimes our paths diverge so significantly that the [00:22:00] connection no longer serves either of you.
And yes, sometimes it's one person that decides that it doesn't serve them. It. In that case, it's probably not gonna serve you as well. Sometimes what brought you together was having kids around the same age. Maybe you were working at the same company, maybe you were living in the same neighborhood, right?
But changes they, will discover that there maybe wasn't much beyond that certain circumstance that was keeping you connected. So how do we recognize when a friendship has served its purpose? I'll just invite you to pay attention. Pay attention to how you feel after you spend time together or when you're communicating, do you feel energized or do you feel drained?
Do you feel uplifted or do you feel diminished? Does the relationship bring out your best self or does it trigger [00:23:00] insecurities and negative patterns? It's also worth noting that if the relationship has become one-sided, if you are always the initiator, always the listener, always the giver, right? Healthy friendships, they do have a like a natural reciprocity, but I.
Even if it doesn't look exactly equal in every season, then then it's just something that I'm hoping I'm opening your mind to. I don't mean that if you say, you know what? I'm always the one who initiates. I'm always the one that listens. Forget it. I'm not gonna be friends anymore. I'm not saying that.
I'm just, again, giving you some things to think about to have you evaluate and make decisions and choices that will support and serve you better when it comes to. Feeling refreshed and renewed in your friendships, right? So when you recognize that a friendship season is changing, that you can then approach that transition with more grace, right?
It [00:24:00] doesn't mean to be like a dramatic, it doesn't need to be a dramatic conversation. Like we're breaking up usually it simply means just allowing the natural space to occur. Without forcing connection. And then I definitely want to just reiterate without harboring any guilt about it.
And as some friendships naturally transition, I would love to invite you to remain open to new connections. This is what I want to do better myself personally, right? And I used to think that making lots of friends was impossible. And I have this story right now in my head that I need to work on and coach on about not being able to have anymore.
As many, friends or deep friends because one that I mentioned before is that I. With my kids getting older and not being in those activities that kind of foster that. And then the second thing is that my own, and some of you who have longtime listeners know [00:25:00] this about me, but my childhood best friend died a little over five years ago from breast cancer.
And I've struggled thinking that was my, my, my one and only my true, best friend. And sometimes that. Sadness and disappointment of not being able to live my life with her here on earth. It trips me up sometimes to help me stay with like less friendships and less connection.
And I do want to change that. I do want to be open to having a bestie and it's not like it's gonna replace my other, we can just have, we can have several. So just want to wrap up today. I want to challenge you, I wanna challenge you to reach out to one friend this week, especially if you've really found the timing of this episode to be something that you've been avoiding or you've already felt in your heart that [00:26:00] you wanted to have more connection with friends or want to put more focus in.
Deliberate action towards creating connection with your current friends or creating more friends in your life. So reaching out to somebody this week, right? Doesn't have to be elaborate. It could be a text, a voice memo, like I mentioned, a quick call just some small act of connection because. I'm always underscoring here on the podcast that small efforts matter, right?
They do add up and know this. You don't have to be the perfect friend, the one that remembers every birthday, hosts elaborate dinner parties. Thank goodness, because I don't remember everybody's birthday and I don't host elaborate dinner parties. That connection can happen in small gestures.
That just say to another human that you see them and you matter to them. In [00:27:00] a world that I think can become increasingly isolated despite all of our technology, right? You're you, if you intentionally reach out, reach. I think that's now more these days is becoming like a radical kind of act of love.
It's so worth the effort. It really is because your friendships give you value to your survival in this beautiful, challenging season of motherhood that you find yourself in, they remind you that you're not alone. They help you remember who you are beyond your role as mom, right? And they provide spaces where you can be fully known and fully loved.
That is what I wanted to open you up to today. Remind you of in, hopefully inject some ways of thinking about your friendship that can bring you more peace of mind. And I hope that despite [00:28:00] whatever season you're in, because they all could be called busy I hope. Some connection and give your friendships a refresh because of what you've learned and heard on the podcast today.
All right, everyone, thank you so much for joining me. I love you all and until next week, may peace be with you always. Thank you so much for tuning in to today's episode of The Peaceful Mind Podcast. If you found value in today's episode, I'd be so grateful if you could subscribe and leave a review. It not only supports the podcast, but ensures you don't miss out on future episodes packed with insights and tools to create peace of mind in your busy mom life.
And if you're of the Catholic faith like me or any Christian mom seeking to feel better in any area of your life and to show up more calm, connected, and confident, I can help become an empowered mom who knows how to bring about [00:29:00] the changes you desire, no matter the circumstances.
Whether you need one-on-one guidance to get there, prefer a group coaching program with like-minded women or a self-study course I've got you covered. Explore my private one-on-one packages. Join my Busy to Balanced group life coaching program, or delve into my signature course. Divine time. To find out which path is right for you, let's meet and see what's the best fit.
Schedule a free call with at daniellethienel.com or send me a direct message on Facebook or Instagram @daniellethienelcoaching. And also don't forget to get your copy of my book, the Cyclone Mom Method, how to Call on Your God-given power to remain calm in control, and confident as a busy mom. Dive into the digital and bonus audio version when you go to book.daniellethienel.com/new-book.
You'll find all [00:30:00] the details in the show notes too. Until next time, peace be with you always.
