Episode 304 Transcript
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[00:00:00] You are listening to episode 304 of the Peaceful Mind Podcast.
Welcome to the Peaceful Mind Podcast, a place for creating the peace of mind. You need to be the best bomb. You are created by God to be. If you wanna bring more balance, more joy, and more peace to your motherhood, this is the place for you. I'm your host, certified life coach at Catholic Mom Danielle Thienel.
In the name of the father of the Son and of the Holy Spirit. Let's get started.
Hello, beautiful mamas and welcome back to another episode of The Peaceful Mind Podcast. I hope that you are well and thriving, and for all of you who are listening at the time of year when this episode first comes out, I want you to consider [00:01:00] for just a moment next year. I know you're in the throes of things, but if you have ever considered.
Exploring life coaching, and in particularly working with a life coach, I want you to think that perhaps this next year is your time. Imagine where you might be at the end of the year. At the end of the next year, if you committed to and made your mental, emotional wellbeing and even your physical wellbeing, focusing on that, just all of the goals that you have made that a priority.
I'm recording this podcast at the end of a year. And I'm just thinking about where I was at the beginning of the year, what I had hoped for, and it was, this year was amazing. Yeah, if I [00:02:00] focus on it, I can tell you that there was some hard stuff. But I had, I had a child graduate.
I celebrated a 25th anniversary. I had some amazing trips to places I've never been before. So many exciting things, becoming that empty nester visiting the kids, seeing them thriving out in school. Just so much good stuff. And then for here, for the coaching, just the people who decided to say yes to themselves and who joined me.
And the transformations that they've made for their life and their family. And we had a, I had a lot of mamas give birth and I had a lot of mamas like me who were entering different stages of motherhood and entering into that empty nest. I just, again, I could stop and scan the past year.
And I can't forget even mentioning just my health. There's an episode, I've, I lost 25 pounds this year. [00:03:00] Made this exercising and my health just like a real priority. Anyways, I, like I, I said I could literally just think about all of the goodness in the changes that have come. But it was because of the steps that my past self took to bring coaching into my life, to commit to having someone for accountability and to teach me things and to help me see things I didn't know.
So for all of you who are listening and considering it, I am sure that I one that you can squeeze in a call with me. Or you could purchase one of my books and read it, and then from there you can decide if you think this is the thing that would help you make this next year, be the year where it. It all changed for you, for the better and for your family.
So I just wanted to start out this episode in where I am in life right now. Just in this kind of look back of the year. I'm always so grateful for [00:04:00] my past self. My past self, who might have had some, some trepidation, some fear, some unknown. I'm sure she tried to, her brain tried to have, give her a lot of excuses not to, make the choices and do the hard things that I did, but it was so worth it. So where you are standing right now in your life, you have a chance, like you are right now, you are your next year's past self version. Does that make sense? Like it totally made sense in my brain. So as you're listening to it again, where you are right now.
Is one day in the future going to be your past self. So the decisions you make today, you then could be. Your future self later thanking that person who you are today. If you decide to make some focus, some commitment to go all in on yourself, and I wanna offer that there is no better path to take than to go in on your [00:05:00] mental and emotional health, which is exactly what life coaching directly impacts for the better.
Okay. That was not a planned introduction. It's just off the cuff. It's just how I feel. And and so maybe a few of you appreciated it, but today what we're talking about is something that you will find me talking about inside my program because it is so worthy of hearing and being reminded of and learning about, and that is how you can master the art of saying no without guilt.
Okay. I'm so glad you're here listening to me today because this subject comes up often in motherhood and it's that little word that feels big, and that's. No. [00:06:00] Have you ever said yes to something and then immediately felt your stomach like tighten because you knew it wasn't right? It wasn't right for your schedule, wasn't right for your priorities, and it definitely wasn't right for your peace?
Or maybe you've been carrying around some guilt about the time that you actually turn somebody down. Maybe you did say no, and even though deep down you knew it was the right decision, there's just this. Big, heavy guilt that you're carrying around. This episode is gonna help you with exactly that, those scenarios we're gonna look at why it's hard to say no.
Yeah. I want you to see that there's a reason why it's hard. Okay? I want you to also see how guilt tries to sneak in and take the wheel. It tries to lead you. And then I want you to know how you can learn to say no with more confidence, more peace, and especially some more love [00:07:00] without feeling like that you've done something wrong because you haven't.
But let's start here. Let's start with why is saying no such a struggle for many of us? One reason is that we are wired, especially as moms to care. We wanna help, we want to be kind. We want to be someone others can count on, and these are all good things. But what I want you to become more aware of.
And have more conviction about is that when our yes becomes too automatic, we lose something precious. And that's our alignment with what actually matters most to us in our life at [00:08:00] our particular stage of motherhood. And saying, no feels hard because our brain offers us all of these little sneaky thoughts like they'll be disappointed in me if I say no.
It's easier to just do it and then explain why I can't, or I don't wanna seem selfish or what if they don't ask me next time. Because maybe it's something that you think you would like to do, but just that the personal timing doesn't feel right, but you're thinking There could be a time when I'd want to, but if I say no to them, they won't ask me.
All of those thoughts, those examples I just gave, they come from a good intention, but our lower brain. And if you're new, that's okay. It's just a part of our brain that is meant to help keep us safe and it's our survival part of our brain. It's trying, it's to do its job, which part of its job is to protect us from [00:09:00] discomfort, to help us conserve our energy and right, and to seek some pleasure, this part of our brain.
But here's the kicker. In trying to avoid the momentary discomfort that happens when we say no to somebody, we then will create a long term misalignment for our lives. We say yes to things that we don't have time or capacity for, and over time we feel exhausted, resentful, and disconnected from the life we actually want to be living.
Yeah, I did this. I did this in particular when I think about when I was asked to come take a job, right? It was from someone who I highly respected. The job offer came with some, really high perks, including something that strokes my ego when it came to its title. And the person [00:10:00] asking, I just, it would feel so terrible.
Like I don't think they would understand. And I explained to them, I don't think that their priorities were the same as mine our life. So that when I would say no, like I literally in the moment thought if I said no like that, they would just almost not see me in the same light anymore, or, they wouldn't think as highly of me anymore.
I'm not actually sure, but. I totally said yes when everything in my body and Bones was saying it wasn't the right timing. It wasn't a priority in my life right now that it would take me from what my own families needed right now. And yeah, it ended up being 18 months. Of just, a struggle and a battle because I couldn't say no in the moment.
I couldn't listen to my body and my heart and my soul that was saying say no. It would've been. Short-term discomfort. And I could have been wrong, [00:11:00] right? I could, it could have been received in a more positive light than my brain was thinking. Or I could have taken a little bit more time to talk them through to explain why it wasn't right or that, maybe it would be better, different timing.
But no, my brain, I couldn't do it. I didn't have that knowledge. To back up that I'm hoping that this episode enlightens you for today. Let's talk about the guilt part of it, right? Like guilt feels like a moral compass, but so often it's literally just a mental habit, y'all. It's right. My southern draws gonna come out now.
Okay. Guilt comes from our thoughts, not from the act of saying no itself. When we say no to somebody, that doesn't equate feeling guilty. It's what we choose to think about saying no right, [00:12:00] or what we choose to think what that other person we're saying no to will make it all mean. Okay, so here's some examples of some guilt producing thoughts.
I should be able to handle more and say, yes, good moms don't let people down. If I say no, I'm not being generous. Huh? Do you see how sneaky these thoughts are that our brain offers? But it is those thoughts that we choose to think to make those saying no mean that is actually generating the guilt. But mama guilt does not serve you when it's coming from these false beliefs.
In fact, it'll cloud your discernment. It'll keep you from acting intentionally, and it makes you say yes to things that lead to burnout and disconnection. And you didn't even want to do them in the first place, but your [00:13:00] brain connected it to like, to letting people down and not being generous. Do you see the disconnect there?
So remember this about guilt. It's not the same as your internal conviction like this, knowing that you would have about what's right for you to say yes and to no to it comes from the Holy Spirit, right? It leads to growth, it leads to peace, it, and alignment with God's will guilt, especially the kind that like shows up after healthy boundaries comes from the enemy of peace.
When you have followed through on a healthy boundary and guilt comes in it is coming from those thoughts that yeah. I just wanna write, you don't need guilt to be a good person. You don't need guilt to be a good mom. And when we [00:14:00] become a yes to everything kind of person. We lose sight of your actual humanity.
You start operating. What I like to say, all my clients know I've heard this and I know, I think there's a whole chapter about it in my book on time management called Divine Time, is that we start operating like a robot. We start functioning our day-to-day without limits. We try to meet everyone's needs while pushing hours to the side.
But I'm here to remind you today, you are human, and what that means is that God created your life with limited time. Again, I wanted to say limited time. You all. Limited time. All of us have limited time. You see how I repeated that three times? It bears repeating and God created you with limited energy.
And a limited [00:15:00] capacity, right? So this is why we can't say yes to everything, and he created us that way on purpose. Like it's not a flaw, it's not a mistake, right? That's wisdom. His wisdom knows that's what was best for us. What that all means is you were not designed to do everything. You were designed to do the right things at the right time for the right reasons, and all of them are yours to decide what those right things are, what the right time is, what your right reasons are, and that's why it's important for you to clarify.
Like what your personal core values are, what your family's core values what have you and your spouse discerned to be the yeses that matter most in your life right now. Maybe it's protecting your family dinner time. Maybe it's [00:16:00] prioritizing Sunday church together. Maybe it's having unstructured evenings to just be present.
Maybe it's choosing rest over one more activity. I wish I chose that one a lot more. When you know what you're saying yes to on purpose, it does become much easier to say no with purpose. And that's what I'm trying to help you today is to, master that art of saying no.
So now maybe you're listening and you're realizing, Danielle, I have been saying yes to everything. I have been people pleasing. I've been running on fumes and I'm burnt out. I realize that I have been worried about what other people would think about me, and I was making it mean that I wasn't good or generous or whatever it is when I was people pleasing.
First I wanna tell you like take a deep breath, that you're not alone and also you're not stuck. [00:17:00] You don't have to be stuck here May. That's the point of all of these episodes, is to bring awareness. Ah, that might be me. I might be doing that. Okay, how can I change that? And this is what I want you to know.
There's always a way forward, and it starts with honesty and grace. And here are a few intentional steps you can take. If you have been avoiding saying no, step one, take inventory. Just ask yourself these two questions. What are the things I've said yes to that are now draining me? Which commitments feel heavy right now are misaligned.
I want you to just answer the questions. I prefer you to write them down and then I'm gonna add the caveat. Without judgment, we're gonna find them. Okay? So we need clarity, we need awareness, we need to name them. We need to be honest with ourself. Assess, take inventory. [00:18:00] Okay. That's step one. Step two, get some clarification on what matters most now in your life.
First of all, what season of life are you in? What does your family need the most from you right now? And what do you need most? Make a short list, three to five things and just tell yourself, ah, okay, I need a clarification. These are actually my current priorities. And then step three. Have compassion for yourself when all of this is revealed for the past decisions that you made.
We need love and compassion here. We need self-love. We don't need to judge ourselves, beat her up, beat ourselves up, say we should have, can always come back to this beautiful belief. I made the best decision I could with what I knew at the time. This is exactly the thought that I use [00:19:00] when I take back to my pre-coaching version of myself.
Yes, in my family there is a BC and AC version of Mom, the one before I came and had my own life coach and learned all this wonderful things. And then there's that after version and everybody in my family likes the after version a lot better. We just, we don't need to beat ourself up. I do say that it came to me at the right time.
I, I didn't know any different before I learned the things that life coaching and a life coach could teach me. I didn't know any different. So you need to learn to just love yourself and move forward, not beat yourself up. And step four, I want you to realign and reset. You can begin having new conversations with those maybe the decisions that you made and you said yes, and now you think that maybe a no is better, right?
You can reset boundaries that honor your present [00:20:00] piece. Yes. Some things may need to be finished. I get that, but others can just be gently released right now. And then you, here's some things you might say. If it involves you, again, changing your mind, turning that yes into a no you could say something like, I've realized I need to step back from this for now to care for my family's needs.
You could say, thank you so much for thinking of me, but I'm not able to take that on at this time. You could say, I'm learning to be more intentional with my Yes. And I wanna honor that with you. These phrases are gold, right? Maybe you need to pause and hit that back up 30 seconds, another 30 seconds, and then get, and write these down.
Even if it's in the notes in your phone, those phrases, this is how you master the art of saying no. Notice how they are. [00:21:00] They are just said with honesty, truth and love. Here they are again. I've realized I need to step back from this for now to care for my family's needs. Thank you so much for thinking of me.
I'm not able to take that on at this time. I'm learning to be more intentional with my Yes, and I wanna honor that with you. And it could be, therefore I have to say no at this time. Alright, so sometimes it isn't about flipping a switch, right? But creating a what we, what I call in coaching and teach my clients what's called a bridge thought.
It's just a new way of thinking that gently moves you from that guilt to like more of a grace-filled place. So sometimes be, and the reason why we want bridge thoughts is because our brain sometimes can't go from, oh, I don't wanna say I'm gonna say yes to that too. Oh, I totally a hundred percent don't have to say [00:22:00] yes to that.
Like it's just too much. But some bridge like ways to start thinking, to help move you towards seeing it, that it's okay. To say no and to master that art of saying no would sound some examples are this saying no allows me to say yes to what God has asked me to steward, right?
We can't steward everything. My peace is a valid priority, a hundred percent our peace. If it feels like it would bring you more peace is totally a valid reason to say no. I don't have to explain my no to make it valuable. This is something where we feel like I, I see this a lot where we say no, but then we feel like we have to explain to the person why.
But really when we're doing that we're just trying to grasp and still control, manipulate what they're thinking about us and we're trying [00:23:00] really hard to have them like, think thoughts about us saying no. That feel good. When we imagine the people who love me want me not overextended.
That's true. They want you. They don't want you overextended your kids do not want you overextended because we are more calm. We're happier moms when we don't overextend ourselves. So imagine thinking those thoughts on the daily. Like, how do you think it would change how you show up when people ask you to do something and what would change in your energy, in your peace, in your calendar if you were thinking those thoughts more on the regular than you do the other thoughts of, oh, it's the kind thing to do.
It's generous. I have to say, yes, of course I'll make it happen. It's, I don't want them to think badly of me. So I wanna offer you this perspective. Saying no does not mean you're shutting someone out. It means you're choosing to be fully present for the people [00:24:00] and purposes that you have.
Discerned is your focus right now, and it doesn't mean you're unkind to say no, and it doesn't mean what it does mean is that you're practicing wisdom like you're wise and saying no doesn't mean you're weak. It means that you're honoring your human limits. So this week I want you to do a little gentle audit, and I want you to ask yourself, where am I saying yes when I actually want to say no?
Where is guilt leading your decisions instead of bringing you to more peace of mind? And what core values have you and your family committed to for this season? And then just choose one of those kind of more gentler. Thoughts, like just one. Say it to yourself. Often. Write it down. Let it lead you to a healthier, no.
A peaceful prayerful. No. [00:25:00] 'cause every no creates a space for a better yes. And if you want more help with this, if you're feeling stuck in people pleasing, if you're unclear on your priorities this is exactly the work. I do with my private one-on-one clients. I, we do this inside my Life coaching group program, and together we could walk through how you could take back your piece, how we could rec, recap, reclaim your time, re some kind of commit and focus to that purpose of what your purpose is this season of your life.
And we will always do it without guilt. Definitely with a lot more grace. And in order to do that, you can schedule a free call with me anytime. You can go to my website, danielle tal.com and you can can see the button. Easy to do that [00:26:00] there. Alright, mamas, until next time. Remember, you're not called to be everything to everyone.
You are called to be faithful to what God has given you on your plate today, and sometimes that starts with a holy no. Alright, until next week, may peace be with you Always. Thank you so much for tuning in to today's episode of the Peaceful Mind Podcast. If you found value in today's episode, I'd be so grateful if you could subscribe and leave a review.
It not only supports the podcast, but ensures you don't miss out on future episodes packed with insights and tools. To create peace of mind in your busy mom life. And if you're of the Catholic faith, like me or any Christian mom seeking to feel better in any area of your life and to show up more calm, connected, and confident, I can help become an empowered mom who knows how to bring about the changes you [00:27:00] desire, no matter the circumstances.
Whether you need one-on-one guidance to get there, prefer a group coaching program with like-minded women, or a self-study course I've got you covered. Explore my private one-on-one packages. Join my Busy to Balanced group life coaching program or delve into my signature course Divine Time. To find out which path is right for you, let's meet and see what's the best fit.
Schedule a free call with me at daniellethienel.com or send me a direct message on Facebook or Instagram @daniellethienelcoaching. And also don't forget to get your copy of my book, the Cyclone Mom Method, How to Call on Your God-Given Power to Remain Calm, In Control and Confident as a Busy Mom. Dive into the digital and bonus audio version when you go to book.daniellethienel.com/new-book.
You'll find all the details in the [00:28:00] show notes too. Until next time, peace be with you always.
