Episode 312 Transcript
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[00:00:00] You are listening to episode 312 of the Peaceful Mind Podcast.
Welcome to the Peaceful Mind Podcast, a place for creating the peace of mind you need to be the best mom you are created by God to be. If you want to bring more balance, more joy, and more peace to your motherhood, this is the place for you. I'm your host, certified life coach at Catholic Mom Danielle Thienel.
In the name of the father of the Son and of the Holy Spirit. Let's get started.
Hello, beautiful mamas and welcome back to another episode of the Peaceful Mind Podcast. I am thrilled for those of you that are here today who struggle with this topic that we're gonna talk about because I'm hoping that [00:01:00] you will find much relief and some steps to actually try and heal. If you find yourself being a yelling mom, I want you to know what's really driving it so that you can make the changes necessary to move towards more peace of mind in this subject.
Okay? This episode is for the mom who ends her day thinking, I hate that I yelled again. Or the mom who says, I just lost it. And I don't even know why. Like maybe you're thinking, I was fine. And if that's you, I want you to know you're not alone. Because the reason why I am bringing this topic to you is because it was talked about recently and very prevalent from clients that I have, and I myself have a personal kind of focus in [00:02:00] this subject.
Because I did find myself when the kids I especially can remember, they were all of that middle school, upper elementary age where I would say that yes, I found myself way more often than not being a yelling mom. So I have so much compassion and so much love for this, and I'm just thrilled that I can actually bring this to you.
I know that it would've helped me so much back in the day and it also, again, a life coach did talk to me about this and through this. So for any of you again, who struggle with yelling, this episode is for you. Okay. I want to start by telling you something that I hope you will carry with you and that is this, that yelling isn't a moral failure.
What it is it's a signal. [00:03:00] It is your body and brain letting you know that something deeper is going on. And today we're gonna unpack that. Okay. When moms come into my coaching program, whether it's through private coaching or through my Busy to Balanced group coaching program, many will say that they want to stop yelling.
That's one of the reasons they wanna come, right? They want more calm or feel more in control in their life, and they want more confidence on how to change this. Or they might say that they wish that they had more patience. Like that's a signal for me when I hear that phrase that probably yelling is happening.
And that makes complete sense to me. But what we discover through coaching is this, that yelling is never the underlining true issue. It's what I wanna call today, for example, purposes is a surface [00:04:00] symptom. Okay? It's a sign. It's a sign that something underneath is being ignored, pushed down, or misunderstood and let me share what came up recently.
On my group call and really had me saying, okay, I really wanna do a podcast episode about this. So one of my clients was feeling so discouraged that she couldn't stop snapping at her kids. And she said, I don't wanna yell, but I feel like no one is listening. No one helps me, and I have to do everything.
Does this sound familiar to you? Because that's the heart of it. What's driving the yelling isn't just the behavior of our kids or the mess in the kitchen, and that's definitely what I thought was causing it. It's the unmet emotion under the surface. It's the unprocessed thought that says, I'm alone in this.
I'm invisible. I can't keep doing all of this by [00:05:00] myself. So I want to normalize what's actually happening for you. 'cause here's the truth. Your brain is doing exactly what it was designed to do in that moment of stress. Say your toddler screaming or your teens like eye rolling again, right? Your lower brain kicks in with a message danger, not physical danger, but emotional overload.
It starts scanning. Your brain will start scanning for control, for order for relief. It is. It is meant this part of your brain that I call the lower brain, right? It is meant to keep you safe and keep like a homeostasis going on. So when it has scanned and said I need control, I need order and relief.
That's what leads to this urgency [00:06:00] and this drive to yell. And if you've been ignoring your own needs. If you've been saying yes, too often you've been holding in emotions for days, yelling will then feel like the pressure valve released. You yell because there's no room left. You yell because no one taught you what to do with those negative feelings that have built up before.
They've built boiled over and by now. But now you're here right now with me today, and this is why I'm going to walk you through exactly what to do instead. And I'm gonna remind you that this will if this is something that you want to create for yourself, that you yell less, that you become a mom who even gets stops yelling, then we're gonna have to commit to practicing.
A [00:07:00] new way of taking care of ourselves. Okay? But before we talk about how, I wanna pause and look at what yelling moms actually need. Okay? And I'll do that by telling you what we definitely don't want more of. No more shame around it. Okay? Not another consequence chart for our child and not a silent promise to ourselves to do better tomorrow.
This is what we need. We need to understand the emotion behind your reactions. We wanna process that emotion without exploding or stuffing it. We wanna think differently about what it means when our kids don't listen, and we wanna forgive ourselves quickly when we mess up because we. The chances of us a hundred percent not yelling anymore [00:08:00] and plus there is an upside.
I was talking with this with my client too, right? Sometimes our children and the anger that comes, like there is a lesson there, there is a kind of more conviction on their side. Sometimes it does reap a positive benefit. But I want you to see having, becoming somebody who understands their emotions, knows how to process, it, doesn't like, stuff it down.
We we change our mindset in thinking about these situations when yelling comes up. And we are someone who forgives ourselves on the regular and realizes our humanness when we mess up. This is a hundred percent possible for you. It was for me. And it can be for you. Let's get more peace around if we do yell and let's get more peace and empowerment about what to do to prevent it and let's heal [00:09:00] ourselves.
Okay. Let's just, let's go to those steps now. Okay. Number one, I need you to name the root emotion. Okay. Mine was stress and overwhelm. So instead of trying to stop yelling in the moment, can we start earlier when we are in a calm place, when you notice your body even if you not in a calm place, it's like you're, you notice your body is getting tense.
We know, we can feel like that we've stepped into a negative motion and it builds. There's like this, it gets more tense. Our tone starts to sharpen. Maybe our jaw gets tight when we have that first original, oh, it's starting thought. Can we ask what am I really feeling right now?
This is exactly what we did on that call. The client shared, she'd been yelling almost every morning trying to get the kids out the door. We slowed it down and I [00:10:00] asked, what were you feeling before the yelling started? And she said, I felt invisible. She was like, no one was listening to me. I felt like the only one who cared if we were like gonna make it on time, if we were gonna be late.
And right there, that's the work. She is naming that she's feeling unheard, unseen, unappreciated, and that was the root. That's actually the reason why she yelled. And that is what you wanna heal. You wanna heal the feeling of being unheard, unseen, unappreciated, and so first that step. We have to have that step.
When we name the emotion, when we get access to it, we get some clarity around it and we stop being run by it. Okay. So mama, think of a recent yelling moment that you had. What was [00:11:00] under the surface for you? Okay, just stop a moment. Think. I know that mine could always be traced back to feeling stressed and overwhelmed, and I did just have a situation that I was able to offer, and this is what was with my adult children.
And I remember getting some news earlier in the day that I was very disappointed by. And then later I was snapping and I was short. And that was why it had nothing to do with what I saw in the moment that, the kids weren't doing, and so I could come back to, oh, I was disappointed about that thing.
That's the reason why, and I, that just shows you, it's I'm not perfect at this. I'm way, way better. I don't yell very often at all. And it's because I get better like at [00:12:00] discovering that I was disappointed in processing that first, which then can prevent that later episode of yelling.
Okay, I have lots to stay on say on this. So let's move on Step two and that is to process the emotion before it. Processes you right into yelling. Because if we haven't actually felt the emotion and really worked through it and named it, it doesn't disappear, right? It like leaks out. It leaks through yelling, snapping, rolling our eyes, storming out of the room, right?
So we, but when we allow emotion, it loses its power over us. This is how we get back to peace. So in coaching, I teach a very simple practice to process emotion. And I'm going to just quickly touch on it here because I really do think I'm going to dive deeper in another episode about this process.
But here it is. It is like when you start feeling negative emotion, when you're disappointed and frustrated [00:13:00] and mad and angry, and you know all of the things. Overwhelmed, maybe you're feeling guilty, right? Pause. Notice what's coming up and name it. Say I am feeling resentful, or I feel tired, or I feel ignored.
And again, you don't, you're not necessarily saying this to anyone else. You are becoming more conscious and you're putting a name to it. Then you wanna feel it on purpose. And the way we do this is we describe that emotion about what it feels like in your body. Maybe you say tight chest, flushed face, clenched jaw, and then at this point, when you really describe it, take as much time as you can.
Like where is it? What color is it? What is the texture of it? What is the movement of it in your body? Okay. This takes you away from the mind the thinking that is making you feel negatively, and it's putting [00:14:00] it in your body and having your mind think about it. And then we need to breathe. Breathe and allow it, not fix it, just witness it.
And then the last step is we wanna ask ourselves, what do I need right now? And this five step process could take you maybe two minutes. Sometimes it takes longer. Okay. But again, I'm gonna dive deep more into how to do that in another episode. So stay tuned for that. And on another coaching call, one mom shared with me that she took like a bathroom break and she put her hand on her heart.
And she just said, Jesus, I'm overwhelmed and I need you right now. And this is where I want to always offer that our faith is there waiting to be called on. And that small shift of taking your mind there to Jesus and his help, right? This can also help us prevent what might be a [00:15:00] future yelling spiral, right?
Because when we ask, we receive So. This is how to learn to feel your feelings is definitely a part of becoming somebody who heals their yelling. Okay. And before I get into step three, I've gotta, I've gotta pause here because I want you to see that all of these like negative emotions, this is why.
I really hone in to telling you mamas the importance of self-care. It is that like almost prevention of getting to all the negative motions, or at least lessening them. Lessening them in your life because self-care is the soil. Of your life. Life. And when you yell, continuing on a regular basis, again, I'm telling you that's a signal.
And so if you think about your self-care if you have a lot of [00:16:00] self-care, then you've got really like rich hydrated soil. But if you find yourself yelling on a regular basis, you know what it's telling you. The signal is your soil is dry, like bone dry. I want to pause and say something that came up again, the, this working and talking with and coaching with busy moms just like you on a regular basis.
I think this will resonate with you. A mom recently said, I thought self-care was just like, I like. I couldn't believe that, I was like yelling so much. 'cause I, in my mind, I felt like I had like just got my nails done. So I'm like, oh, I checked off my self-care. But she still ended up yelling and I lovingly told her I.
That I was super glad that she went and got her nails done, right? That is not what, that's not bad self-care at all. It's just a signal that it could be not enough. Again, that whole surface level, like [00:17:00] you might be trying to say to yourself like, oh, I am taking care of myself, but I'm pointing out that you must have been in a deficit.
The one thing you did for yourself wasn't enough. It didn't bring you up to your like baseline level. Yeah. And. Where I love pampering yourself. That is definitely a form of self-care. We wanna go beyond, are you nurturing your emotional life? Are you nurturing your spiritual life, your physical wellbeing, especially when life has been heavy.
Are you maybe you've gone through a season of big emotions. Maybe you had grief, or a big change, or a big stressor, right? Then your tank may be lower than usual. So yelling becomes the warning light. It's your whole body and spirit saying, I need care. I'm running low. I'm not, okay.
This is why I teach my clients to practice [00:18:00] extreme self-care, and I have several episodes on it. Not just enough to get by. This is where most moms fall, but I want enough to feel like you've got an overage, an overflow, so that when your, when motherhood, because it will throws you its messy moments you have calm in your tank, you have some margin 'cause you're in such overflow, to say, that's okay.
When the milk spills on the couch, or I've got you when your child calls mama for the 47th time, that hour. And when you're able to react to those particular, like those examples of the milk spilling on the couch, or your child calling your name again, right?
That's how you can tell when you've got this overage of self-care, you're able to handle those things so much more calm you're able to respond in peace. And not because we're like thrilled that those things are happening, not [00:19:00] because the moment like is perfectly how we want it, but because you are nourished.
So just ask yourself today, where have I been skipping on true care for myself? What does my soul need? Not just my schedule, what would it look to pour into me this week? Not as a luxury, but as like a spiritual responsibility to care for yourself so that you can show up as the mom you wanna be.
And and again I know I sidetracked because it's just, it. If you find yourself having to process negative emotions on the regular, then I want you to definitely check in on you where your self care is. Okay? But we are gonna get back to the steps, steps to heal the yelling, right? So we had step one, which was to name that root emotion that your step two was to process the emotion before it processes [00:20:00] you.
And then step three now is to shift the thought, driving the feeling, right? So once you have that, you've named the feeling and described it in your body and you've breathed through it, right? In coaching, we always come back to this, your thoughts. Create your feelings. Your feelings then drive your actions and your actions create your results.
So if you're yelling, which is the action, it's because there's a thought feeding, a feeling that is leading to that action of yelling. So here are some examples. Here's the thought. They never listen to me. That creates the feeling of frustrated. And then the feeling of frustrated is what drives the action of yelling.
Another example. We have the thought I have to do [00:21:00] everything that thought drives the feeling of resentful, and then the feeling of resentful drives the action of snapping. Here's a thought, I'm failing as a mom, that thought creates the feeling of shame. And when we are vibrating in our bodies with the feeling of shame, it drives the action of withdrawing, hiding, or perhaps like overcorrecting.
So in these instances, we wanna recognize, we wanna have that like alert system, right? Feeling frustrated. Okay. We wanna name it right? We're feeling resentful. Okay. And then we wanna say, where's resentful in my body? And we wanna process it through, we wanna breathe through the resentful, and then this is where we want to then do this next step was shift the thought, driving the feeling, [00:22:00] right?
So this is where we wanna try and grab what I call a bridge thought instead, right? So instead of they never listened to me, could we access something like they're learning how to listen. I can guide them without yelling instead of I have to do everything. Could we find the bridge thought of I can ask for help and set boundaries around what I do and don't do.
And then if we are. Feeling the shame because we're thinking I'm failing as a mom. Could we then shift and access something like, this is a hard moment, but it's not a bad life. Do you see how that's just like loosening up that feeling and finding something else that has you feeling better? And then, and when you're doing this step, you're not just reacting, [00:23:00] you're retraining your mind.
Retraining your mind. Greatest gift we can give ourselves. Okay. Alright. Step four. Setting up boundaries. I touched on this one with that previous thought example, but set up boundaries that will then serve your peace and your peace of mind. A lot of yelling. The action comes from overcommitting under resting, not communicating your limits.
So let me ask you, where are you expecting yourself to be? A supermom? Where are you saying yes when you really wanna say no in your life? Where do you need to ask for help or change the routine? A peaceful mom. Isn't a perfect mom, but she is a mom who protects her peace like it's sacred because it [00:24:00] is.
And setting boundaries isn't selfish. It honors your humanity that you are also somebody who has limited time and energy, and I do believe that it's spiritual. Everybody benefits when we. Set and uphold the boundaries that protect our peace. Step five is to repair, not to ruminate. If you've yelled, here's like examples.
Some of the things that we can do, sometimes the situation maybe warrants an apology, right? I'm sorry, I raised my voice. That wasn't kind. Okay. Maybe sometimes if we yell we want to reconnect. Maybe that, maybe not in that moment, but as soon as we [00:25:00] can, maybe there's, a hug, a smile, some eye contact.
Maybe we want to repair with truth being true. Like you're not the reason I yelled. I'm still learning how to handle big feelings too. Or maybe if I give the example be like, that didn't come out the way I wanted to. I'm realizing now I was disappointed about this other thing, and I'm sorry that you know that you got the brunt of it.
But the main thing is that I want to offer. Post times that we yell, and that is to release the guilt. Okay? When, and the way we do that is to remind ourselves that we're human. And that we need to have grace for ourselves because we are just a mess sometimes. And that [00:26:00] does happens, but again, I'm coming back to can we release it and remind ourselves that, oh, I just forgot, or this is a signal.
Or again, you become like, Hey, what's going on with me? Or, Hey, I must be low on my self-care.
We can't expect ourselves to get it right every time. I know God doesn't expect us to get it right every time. What he wants for you is a return to love, to peace as soon as possible because it doesn't help any of us to remain in any kind of guilt or shame for a long period of time. So again this episode was built out of.
Real, real life mama stuff. So I know that my clients aren't the only ones. I have [00:27:00] seen yelling moms become more peaceful leaders in their homes. This is me included. And the way we got here was not by working harder, and it was not by shaming ourselves, but this is what we did. We, so it was myself included and those that are actively working with me.
We learn to understand our own internal workings of our mind and our emotional systems and what actually causes and what triggers them. And then we have worked hard to rewrite our thought patterns, right? Ones we didn't even know we had. It actually took an outside person to be able to help us and show us and we create emotional space through our weekly support.
And we're often reminded that we are worthy of this piece, and it's possible for us to [00:28:00] change if this is the focus of one of our goals. And I've had somebody who I've worked with who definitely has healed herself as a yelling mom, and she says, it's not that I never yell now. It's that I recover faster, I understand what's going on, and I don't say stay stuck in guilt.
And that is actually the result that I know that we're all after and is very attainable. And that is the power of coaching. Yeah. So what's driving it for you? Let me ask you some simple questions like, what's really behind your yelling? What is that? Certain emotion that keeps showing up for you.
What are the thoughts that are fueling that emotion for you? And what boundary do you need to set, or what belief needs to shift for you to start seeing change? And you don't have to have all the answers today, but by finding some to these really empowering [00:29:00] questions, that's where the change in the healing will begin.
So that is what I have for you today. If this episode spoke to you and you are tired of trying to fix things on your own, I wanna invite you to explore this further. Inside my group and inside my private program, we walk through exactly this, right? Identifying what's driving the stresses in our life, learning how to process our emotions, definitely with more grace and creating a more overall peaceful life that is rooted in your faith, not in the frustrations that motherhood does bring.
And the best way to explore if coaching is right for you is to schedule a free peaceful Mom strategy call with me, and you can do that by going to my website. It's my name danielle tal.com, and there's never any pressure. It's just clarity, [00:30:00] it's connection, and it's care. Okay? You deserve peace, mama. Not just moments of it, but a whole mindset and life of it.
You don't have to get there alone. And I really hope that this episode, for those of you that have been struggling with yelling that you found, Hey, listen to it again. Take some notes, try some of it out, put it into practice. Okay? I asked some questions here if you really answered them and explored it. It can really make a difference. Okay, everyone, thank you so much for being with me today and please pass along the podcast if you know of another mama who might be struggling and could benefit. I so appreciate it so much gratitude to all of you. And until next week, may peace be with you always.
Thank you so much for tuning in to today's episode of the [00:31:00] Peaceful Mind Podcast. If you found value in today's episode, I'd be so grateful if you could subscribe and leave a review. It not only supports the podcast, but ensures you don't miss out on future episodes packed with insights and tools. To create peace of mind in your busy mom life.
And if you're of the Catholic faith, like me or any Christian mom seeking to feel better in any area of your life and to show up more calm, connected, and confident, I can help become an empowered mom who knows how to bring about the changes you desire, no matter the circumstances. Whether you need one-on-one guidance to get there, prefer a group coaching program with like-minded women.
Or a self-study course I've got you covered. Explore my private one-on-one packages. Join my Busy to Balanced group life coaching program or delve into my signature course. Divine Time. To find out which path is right for you, let's meet and see what's the best fit. [00:32:00] Schedule a free call with me at daniellethienel.com or send me a direct message on Facebook or Instagram @daniellethienelcoaching.
And also don't forget to get your copy of my book, the Cyclone Mom Method, How to Call on Your God-Given Power to Remain Calm, In Control, and Confident as a Busy Mom. Dive into the digital and bonus audio version when you go to book.daniellethienel.com/new-book. You'll find all the details in the show notes too.
Until next time, peace be with you always.
