Episode 330 of The Peaceful Mind Podcast-Breaking Free From the Fear of Judgment
===
Speaker: [00:00:00] You are listening to episode 330 of the Peaceful Mind Podcast. Welcome to The Peaceful Mind Podcast, a place where you can move out of overwhelm and into a calm, confident motherhood with God at the center. I'm Danielle Thienel, certified life coach Catholic Mom and creator of the Cyclone Mom Method. I help you create emotional, steadiness and peace of mind from the inside out.
So you can experience more balance and more joy in your busy mom life. In the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit. Let's get started. The. Hello beautiful mamas. Thank you so much for being here. Welcome back to The Peaceful Mind Podcast. I'm Danielle. For all of you new listeners, I just wanna say that I appreciate you being here and I hope that you are just as excited as I am that you have found [00:01:00] this.
Episode and this podcast and just let you know there are hundreds of episodes now in the library of the Peaceful Mind Podcast, and please do not let that overwhelm you. I am just wanting you to know that you can start anywhere. You can start with this latest one. You can scroll and find a topic that meets one of the needs that you have of what you're going through right now.
And. Maybe you're brave to start from the beginning, right? Imagine we are soon gonna be approaching several weeks where you could have an episode for every day of the year. That sounds so fun to me. Having coaching in your ear, having topics that I hope bring more peace to your life and uplift you and really speak to you.
I think that is one of the kindest things we can do [00:02:00] is always to be consuming things that are going to be helpful and self-serving. And for all of you who have been around for a long time, first I wanna just say thank you. And second of all I wanna say, when you listened to some past episodes, different things were going on in your life.
I just know, and I think back and I have such fondness for some of those earlier emails and I'm sorry, not emails, those earlier episodes. And I just think that they really could speak to, in a different way, even if you've listened to them before. So I just wanna encourage all of you.
You can just start from this week and keep going on, but there is such golden nuggets and gifts to be had in the episodes, in the hundreds of episodes leading up to this. So this is just a gentle reminder. I just felt [00:03:00] compelled. And then I did get an email this morning from a listener. And I just want to give them a little bit of a shout out.
I just so appreciate when there is an episode that resonates with you all and you then even take the time to write and send an email to tell me. So there is, I love what I do, but sometimes it is a little isolating. I am also human and. I do wonder, did this one land, did this really help anybody?
Like I can see that people are listening, but I'm always just wondering what your thoughts are, and it does give me a boost when I hear from you I can't deny that. I do feel just compelled to keep going. The more that I hear that you all are. Getting a lot out of it. Okay. That's [00:04:00] just what was on my mind right now as I'm just talking off the cuff.
But I do really want now to jump into the meat of this week's episode because I know a lot of you are letting the fear of judgment from other people question yourself. Stop yourself from doing some desires in your heart, or it's not having you show up authentic, and I want to help you understand and unwind that fear so that you can.
Go after and pursue those things and show up as your authentic self and put yourself in situations that you actually want to but might not have [00:05:00] because of this fear. So I wanna ask you, when was the last time you didn't do something because you were afraid of what other people would think? Was it just today? Was it last week? When were you afraid? What other people think? Some of you might answer. This is how I'm just all the time. So maybe you didn't speak up in a meeting 'cause you were worried your idea wasn't good enough. Maybe you didn't wear that outfit because you thought someone might judge your style.
Maybe you didn't set a boundary with a difficult family member because you were afraid of being labeled as mean or selfish. Maybe so many of the moms that I coach, you didn't pursue something that you really wanted because you were terrified of being judged for it. I'm always so thrilled, right?
When somebody who [00:06:00] is in my. One of my clients coaching who actually reveals this something that they really want and then when this comes up that they're not going for it because they didn't wanna be judged for it. And I get to help break down that barrier and I get to help them move through that challenge.
I get to help them just see a different path forward. Then they actually take action on it. And I love to tell my story of taking on what I've done here in the last seven years about being able to build an online business, becoming a coach naming the people that I wanna help, bringing faith into a business venture.
Having connected with hundreds, if not thousands at this point of people on this journey. And all the [00:07:00] while I could have not done any of it if I kept in the same mindset and being scared and afraid of all the judgment that did come my way, does come my way to this day. But again, not letting that stop me from what is my life's passion?
What is what I feel like part of the service I do living out my faith and also just my overall purpose in life at this point to use the gifts God gave me to be able to help others in the capacity that I do. The fear of judgment. It's one of the most common challenges, right? And again, I run into it in my life too.
But here's what I want you to understand today. The [00:08:00] message I have for you is that the fear of judgment isn't actually about other people. It's about how your brain works. And once you understand that, everything could change. So let's just talk. Let's start there and talk. What's really actually happening when we're afraid of being judged?
And more importantly, I want to be able to offer you some real help today that if this is something you struggle with, how you can break fee free from that fear so that you can live the life you are actually called to live. So first, like many things we have to actually really get honest about something, and this is part of the message that I love being able to give to you, that I know a lot of you out there are not looking at it this way, [00:09:00] and that is that your mind, that your brain.
One of the things that you can count on it doing is judging. It actually judges things. It's wired to do that all day long actually, and every day. And that's not a character flaw. It's just literally how our brain was designed to work. It judges, think about it right now, your brain is making judgments about everything around you.
You're you most likely, you're judging me right now. Like whether my voice sounds too fast or too slow, or if you like what I'm saying around the subject, you're judging whether this [00:10:00] episode is gonna be helpful to you or not. You probably judged your coffee this morning. Maybe your outfit choice. You probably judged the weather, the traffic.
When you were running errands or on your way to work, your brain could have judged the mom in the school pickup line who really looked put together, and then you could have judged the ones who also looked like maybe she's had a rough day. You can judge the friend who posted a vacation photo on social media, and we're also judging the ones who share their struggles.
This is not mean. It's not wrong. It's actually how your brain processes information and then therefore makes decisions about your life in the world. And that day, like judgment is one of your brain's [00:11:00] primary functions. We judge things as safe or unsafe, helpful or unhelpful. It's, we judge if it's aligned with our values or it's not.
We judge whether we like something or we don't like it, whether it fits our experience or it feels foreign to us. Here's the thing, if your brain is constantly making judgements about everything and everyone around you, why would you expect other people's brains to work any differently? 'cause that's exactly what is happening.
We're wanting to. Keep ourselves small or hold ourselves back because we think that they will judge us and we don't want that. But other people are judging too, the same way your [00:12:00] brain is. They're judging our parental choices, our career decisions. The house we have, our kids' behavior, the, our own social media posts.
They're ju judging whether we seem happy or stressed, whether we're doing better or worse than they are. And here's what's really wild. You're also judging the very people you are afraid of being judged by. Think about that mom at school who always seems to have it all together. The one whose kids are maybe perfectly dressed, who never seem frazzled, who volunteers for everything.
And if you're honest, you probably have some judgements about her too. Maybe you think she's trying too hard. Maybe you wonder if she's actually happy or just performing. Maybe you judge her for making the rest of us look bad or having too much time on our hands, or for. Caring too much about appearances and the [00:13:00] woman you're afraid might judge your parenting, you're probably judging hers too.
Your mother-in-law whose opinion you're worried about. You've got lots of opinions about her choices as well. The friend whose approval you're constantly seeking, you've definitely judged some of her decisions along the way. Now I, I'm trying to drive it home with lots of examples. Not all of them will hit or be relatable to you, but maybe some, maybe a couple or maybe all.
And my point here is not at all ever to make you feel bad. Especially think about that. Don't start to judge yourself for judging if I've revealed that maybe you are. It is a two-way street, okay? It's happening in every direction from every person all the time. It's just how human brains work, and that's [00:14:00] where the peace can come in for you, that you might not be letting in right now is leaning into that reality that just happens.
So we wanna stop putting, not a lot of you might say, I wanna stop being judgmental.
We wanna stop judging people all the time, but really what I want you is stop thinking that other people shouldn't be judging. Or that you wanna change, especially things you wanna do, things you wanna pursue, and you wanna not do those things because of being afraid that they will judge. I want you to lean into no.
That is what's gonna happen. They will, they have a human brain or that's one of its primary functions. I want you to almost just be like, yep that, this is a fact. People are just gonna judge me no matter what I [00:15:00] do.
It like, again, if you're confident, some people will judge you and make it mean that you're arrogant. But then what? Then you're gonna choose, I'm just gonna be humble all the time. Guess what? Some people will judge you as looking at being humble as weak. If you're successful, some people will judge you as showing off if you struggle.
Some people will judge you for not having it together. Do you see how you can never really win? And so then what's the alternative? I'm gonna, I'm gonna offer you what I think is going to be really helpful, but I'm still wanting to lay the foundation and just be like, oh, okay. It is gonna happen. It's not really something I have to be afraid of.
I have to just lean into it more. As a state of reality, [00:16:00] if you have one child, someone will judge you for not giving them siblings. If you have five children, someone will judge you for having too many. If you work outside the home, someone will judge you for not being present enough. If you stay home with your kids, someone will judge you for not contributing financially or professionally.
There is literally no way to live. That avoids judgment. Completely none. So the question in case this was you that you don't wanna be asking. Is, how do I avoid being judged? The question I want you to start asking is, how do I live well with a mind that judges and in a world full of people whose minds also judge, I know that was a long one.
How do I live well with a mind that judges and in a world full of people whose [00:17:00] minds also judge. And the answer, it starts with understanding what you are making other people's judgments mean about you. Because here's where we get into trouble. We take other people's judgments, which remember they're having them, and then what's happening is we make them mean something about us.
About our worth, about our value, about our goodness. As mothers, wives, or human beings. Someone judges our parenting choice and we make it mean you're a bad mom. And look, they don't even have to say the judgment out loud. It's your brain that is making an assumption about what they're thinking, saying she must be thinking.
That I'm making a bad parenting choice, and then we turn around and make it mean we're a bad mom. Someone judges our career decision and then [00:18:00] we make it mean that we're not smart enough or ambitious enough. Someone judges our house and we make it mean we're not successful enough. Other people's judgements.
Are actually more about them than they are about you. When someone judges you for working outside the home, that judgment is coming from their beliefs about motherhood, their experiences with their own choices and their fears about whether they made the right decision or not for them. When someone judges you for staying home.
With your kids, that judgment is coming from their beliefs about motherhood, about women's roles, about their relationship with money and independence, their fears about their own path that they've chosen. [00:19:00] And when someone judges you for having certain boundaries, that judgment is coming from their relationship with boundaries, their fear of conflict, their beliefs about what makes someone good.
Their judgment tells you more about their inner world. Then it tells you about who you actually are. So can you stop making it mean other people's words and actions and what you believe they're thinking? Can we not make that mean something negative about us sometimes? When I'm coaching with you, this is where I will bring up about minding your own business.
And I literally mean I want the business of your mind. I want you to stay with that. I want you to stay thinking about what you are [00:20:00] thinking and what you are feeling, and stay out of what other people might be thinking. Okay, and here's what's really freeing, right? This is what I want you to do. I wanna help you break free from the fear of judgment is you get to decide what to do with their judgment.
You do not have to receive it. You do not have to take it in as truth. You don't have to let it change your decisions. You don't have to carry it around with you. You can acknowledge it. I notice this person has a judgment about my choice or even take a guess. I bet they could be thinking and judging me in this way, but then choose with purpose and deliberately with intention about what you do with [00:21:00] that information.
Sometimes it might give you something even helpful to consider. Maybe their perspective would help you see something you hadn't thought of before, but sometimes it is just information about them that has nothing to do with you. So I want you to relinquish any goal around never being judged. The goal for all of us is to live from our own center to make decisions based on our own values of what we believe is best for our family, and to let other people's judgments flow past you like water in a current of a river.
So sometimes when I get to this point in the episode where I've opened you up to. Yes. Okay. [00:22:00] That is what I would like, what I want, what I wanna start doing. I think that would bring me more peace. Then I watch the brains go how how do I actually do this? How can I break free from the fear that is keeping me held back, keeping me small?
So that's what I wanna offer next. So I'm gonna start, this is where we start first. I just want you to practice noticing your own judgments, and then here's the key. Just notice, forget the layer of sha adding shame to it when you catch yourself judging someone else, and you will. Don't beat yourself up about it.
Just notice it. Oh, there's my brain judging again. And this will help you remember what I'm saying here about how everyone's brain works this way. [00:23:00] Second, I want you to get curious about your judgements instead of just accepting them as truth. So when you first find yourself judging someone, ask yourself, wow, what belief or value is behind this judgment?
What fear might be driving it? What does this tell me about myself right now? My, what's going on with my inner world? Okay, so first we're just noticing that Oh, yep, there I am. I'm a I'm judging. I'm a human Who judges. Oh, I have a normal human brain. There it goes. Judging again, right? No shame. It's just judging again.
It's how brains work. And then second, can you practice and get better at just being curious like, huh, that's fascinating. Wonder where this judgment's coming through from? Wonder what belief I have, what feeling I'm feeling that is driving [00:24:00] this judgment. Okay, third. I definitely want you to separate practice separating other people's judgments from your worth.
So when you notice somebody judging you, try saying to yourself, that's interesting information about how they see the world. That doesn't change who I am or what I believe is right for my life, even if it's something as simple as an outfit. Maybe you notice the look of a face. Someone that you would interpret as, oh, they don't like it.
They're judging me. Can you add that here? You separate it from your worth. Oh, that's interesting, right? It that's that. They don't like that, but then you get to go. But I believe it's right for my life. I like wearing it. Fourth. Yeah, making decisions. I said this earlier, like from your own [00:25:00] center, like not from fear of judgment.
So that is, that would look like before making a choice, ask yourself what would I choose if I knew everyone would approve? Everyone won't approve, but we want to make it like, if you did know, if there was gonna be no judgment, if there was gonna be fear, what would you choose If you.
If you knew that, right? What do I actually believe is best for me here? And if you do that, again it's centered on you. First of all you just have to go to the imagination that no one's gonna fear or judge you. And if so, then how do you wanna proceed? And then practice going forth with that decision.
So that you can show yourself that you can live based on [00:26:00] your own desires and wants, and you're leaving the judgments of other people out of it. Fifth, I want you to remember that the people whose opinions really matter most to you, they will probably love you regardless of their judgments. Like your husband, he might judge your decision to take, I don't know a pottery class.
He might see it as totally unnecessary, but he still loves you. Maybe your mom might judge you for your parenting choices, but she still thinks you're a good mother. In other words, love and judgment can exist at the same time. It does in a ton of places. Even people who are not like our close family, right?
We can still have love for our fellow human beings and we most likely have some judgements [00:27:00] about how they're choosing to live their life or what they do, right? So it can exist at the same time. But my final kind of wanna just underscore this as the step on how to break free from the fear of judgment, and that's literally to give yourself the approval that you are seeking from others.
I do not want you to wait for other people to validate your choices. I want you to start validating yourself. I'm proud of how I handled that situation. I made the best decision I could with the information I had. I'm learning and growing, and that's enough. The, these are the ki, this is the kind of talk you [00:28:00] want to have in your mind more and more.
And when you do, you will then be someone who's going to seek more of a. A validation approval from yourself instead of outside of yourself. You cannot control other people's thoughts about you. That is not the first time you have heard me say that. I say it a lot. I remind you a lot. Because I know that the more it sinks in, the more those neurotransmitters in your brain get deep grooves, that you will have more peace in your life.
You cannot control other people's thoughts about you, period. Mic drop. You can't manage their judgments. You can't guarantee their approval. But you can control how you respond to those judgements and [00:29:00] whether you let them dictate your life. The woman who is living her authentic life, who is making decisions based on her values rather than other people's opinions, who is showing up as herself instead of as who she thinks others want her to be, that woman is going to be judged too.
But she's also going to be free if she's followed those steps I laid out here, and that freedom is worth more than all the approval in the world.
You do not need permission for from other people to live your life. You don't need their approval to make choices that serve your family. You don't need their agreement to pursue what lights you up or to set boundaries that protect your peace. You need your own permission. You need your own [00:30:00] approval.
You need your own agreement.
That you are worth living authentically, even when not everyone understands or supports it. The fear of judgment will keep us small. It'll keep us playing safe. It'll keep us living lives that fit under other people's expectations instead of your own calling, but you weren't created to live small. You weren't designed to spend your precious life managing other people's opinions about your choices.
Now I'm always wanting to remind the caveat like, none of us are gonna do this perfect. And you are going to have some fear about other people's judgments sometimes,
but can you do it less? And can you do it? Just noticing the humanness in it [00:31:00] and if there's something you really wanna go after or feeling called to do, or feel like you're made for more, and, or there's situations that you're just you're stuck or holding yourself back and it's all because you have a fear of other people's judgment.
Then I want to remind you that you were created to live fully, to use your gifts, to love deeply, to pursue what matters to you, to raise your children according to your values, and to show up as the woman God made you to be. And sometimes that's going to be judged and that's okay.
On the other side of that fear, on the other side of that judgment is a life that actually belongs to you. A life where you're making decisions from love instead of fear from wisdom instead of worry from your own center instead of everyone else's expectations. Because I do know that's exhausting [00:32:00] to live by everyone else's expectations.
Okay. Can you be willing to be judged for it? Mama, you are so worth the risk.
Okay. Before I go, I wanna remind you that if you are ready to stop letting the fear of judgment run your life and start living from your own authentic center and you don't wanna do it alone. Then I'd love to talk with you about it. I offer a free, peaceful mom strategy call where we can talk through what it is that you have a fear of judgment about, and we can create a plan around it and just, you could have the support and guidance and some tools and some strategies to help you step into who you were really meant to be or pursue what you really wanna pursue.
And you can always learn more [00:33:00] and schedule your call with [email protected]. Alright everyone, thanks so much for being here. Please share this episode. If you know somebody who this might be helpful to, I would always appreciate you being a part of my mission to serve. Moms and to bring more peace and peace of mind to our beautiful vocation.
Alright, everyone, until next time, may peace be with you always. Thank you for listening to The Peaceful Mind Podcast. If you've been feeling a quiet desire for more peace and steadiness in your motherhood, I invite you to take the next step by scheduling a Peaceful Mom strategy. call at www.daniellethienel.com
You'll also find the link in the show notes. It would be an honor to support you at any stage of your motherhood journey.
