Episode 148- Setting Healthy Boundaries
You are listening to episode 148 of the Peaceful Mind Podcast.
Welcome to the Peaceful Mind Podcast, a place for creating the peace of mind. You need to be the best mom. You are created by God to be. If you wanna bring more balance, more joy, and more peace to your motherhood, this is the place for you. I'm your host, certified life coach at Catholic Mom Danielle Thienel
in the name of the father of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Let's get started.
Hi everyone. Welcome back to the podcast. I am so glad you're here right before we dive in, and it's also a little related to, , what I'm going to be giving you today on this episode, but I just wanted to let you know, , the quick announcement that. The next group of busy to balance my small mom's group life coaching program is open and enrolling for the January, 2023 group.
So go ahead and take a look at the links in the show notes if you want to find out. More information and about how you can join us there to make this just the most peaceful, balanced, and joyful new year that you've ever experienced. And a side note, when it comes to life coaching, I just wanna let you know that what you will learn.
And what you will gain from this experience, the tools and the concepts that I make available to you as we dive deeper and apply directly to your life. All the things that you hear on this podcast, just know that you will always have them. So when you sign up, I want you to think that this is something that will benefit you for a lifetime.
The skills that you will gain. And again, the tools and concepts that you will now have to empower you. Motherhood, which is forever. Right. Okay. So speaking of that group, what happens is that during my coaching business and practice, when I'm working with clients, I of course see themes, right? Themes that come up of where moms are struggling, struggling in the midst of handling circumstances we weren't expecting.
Life isn't. Working out like they would hope they, they feel like they're stuck in not making progress anyways. I always can see a theme and that's what recently happened. There was several different, either a private coaching client or within my group bringing to me the challenges they were having, that I could see that the answer was.
To set some boundaries in their lives, but it became really obvious to me that they weren't quite understanding what a boundary was. And I, I think a lot of us out there, and maybe including you too, I know it was for me before I really learned, , how to create and set, , true boundaries. I was thinking that it was just like rule.
Right. Like we have our own set of rules for ourselves. And then of course as we become a mom and our families, we have these rules of what we think , should happen and how we want our kids to show up, which is definitely has its place. But today I'm taking the time to share with you, once I saw that this was kind of a theme going on, I, offered a training, which I do inside my group program.
So sometimes besides just coaching calls, we have like workshop trainings where I'll just dive deeper into a subject and I decided that this was a subject boundaries that we needed to dive into. So in the group, you also have access to a whole bunch of other trainings that I've done along the way, and I wanted you to have just kind of a glimpse into one of those trainings and thinking that yes, boundaries is something that we could, that could bring more peace of mind to our life.
And I wanted to share that with you. So I am about to play you just a, the record. Of the boundary training that I did inside the group, and I just thought, I don't, I also want to share that with you out here and so, This is the training on boundaries that you find inside busy to balance, and I hope it helps you in your life right now.
And then if you want more of trainings like this, and of course regular coaching on everything that I teach here on the podcast, then you can go ahead and sign up for a free piece strategy call with me and you can. All the information to all that I'm seeing in the show notes of the podcast. But without further ado, here is a training on boundaries that hopefully you find helpful if you are someone who realizes that you have some boundaries to set in your life, or that you want to get better at setting boundaries in your life.
So let's jump in. Boundaries is a super useful tool for. But we often look at them and go about creating them for ourselves in the wrong way. And it's only from lack of knowledge of what truly a boundary is and what the most important thing. I wanna try that that kind of like has you looking at it in a way where you might not have before, is to realize that boundaries are something that you create.
For yourself. Even that, right? When we're thinking in our, in our busy mom's li busy mom life, like we set a lot of like rules down for our children and our family, but this is way different, right? About setting a rules, not setting a boundary. And so it's something I want you to know that as we go through this, it applies to you person.
Okay, so this here, this part really sets this apart from what you might have been thinking about boundaries before. When we make a true boundary, it has to include both of these things. A request, which is you asking someone else to change a certain behavior, you have a request. Change a certain behavior or tell someone, communicate that you would like a certain behavior to happen.
That is the request. And that's usually where people leave it, right? They say, Okay, you need to turn the lights off at 10, 10 o'clock and go to. And then they're thinking, I'm a mom sending a boundary. But that's not a boundary because a boundary must have both things, and the other half is, it has to have a consequence.
And the consequence comes back to this first rule. A consequence is something of what you will do to self protect yourself if the boundary. The request is violated again. Okay, let me say that again. So a boundary, first of all, it's something we create for ourselves. And then second of all, it has two components, a request and a consequence.
And it has to have both of those in order for it to be considered a true boundary. And the request is when we communicate that we want a certain thing to happen or. Communicate and ask somebody to change a certain behavior, then the consequence that must be involved is, is about you. It's about what you will do if, and it, and it's order to self protect you.
If that request that you have made is violated, not carried through. So hopefully just there you have a, a whole different way of boundary setting and I didn't even start out this way, but you know, why would we want to set boundaries, right? And again, we wanna, we wanna set boundaries around our time, right?
We wanna set, I mean, we don't realize how many that we already like work and operate. But it literally just gives us kind of like a, again, it's a self-protection. It's a structure that we imposed so that we are able to show up fully as our best selves. Okay, now, oh, let me just talk about here. So we've got healthy boundaries, and what Healthy boundaries do is that they raise and promote and will really promote our self respons.
Which, you know, I'm all about step two of acceptance, right? Owning your part in it, and empowerment, which again is a theme of all this coaching for you to be empowered that you are in charge of your life and the results that you get. So if it's a healthy boundary, it is going to promote your self responsibility and it's gonna promote your empowerment.
It will equal. Closer relationships with who you set the boundary with, and I know that's what we're after. Especially if we're thinking about our children in all of this, right? We want to have closer relationships with them. That is why and when we have these things and we're doing it for the right reasons, and we're really clear on this, how if we can deem it a healthy one, right, it's gonna connect.
Whereas probably your mind thought of a boundary as separating you, but a boundary is weak. That's when you will have separation. That's when you will create disconnect, is if it's a weak boundary and that that might be like you know what we talked about of you wouldn't be in self owner. You'd be in blame, Okay.
Or what we call emotional childhood. W w w, like poor me, if only you would change, then I would feel better. You need to give me what I want or else kind of. So that's what a weak boundary promotes in you. It promotes that little childish behavior and it promotes blame and victimhood. It just is disconnect and separat.
Okay, so when and how to set a boundary before we set one. We don't wanna set 'em in the moment, right? And that we know that, right? Where we're just like hotheaded because of something and with our kids have done. And then right there in a moment, we make a decision and we tell them like, you know, if. If you don't stop playing the video games at the right time, I'm gonna take away your phone for a month.
Like all of a sudden we just kind of came up with that sort of thing. In the moment, we want to get clear first on what your boundaries are, or you just ask your brain the question, right? Like, what? What do I feel like I need more boundaries around?
When you come up with some answers, get clear. Yep. I definitely wanna have a boundary there and then that would tell you that's a good time to set one. Okay. This, this is, this is key too. Only boundaries, like they only need to be communicated if there's a violation. And I wanna give you, Like, I'll just give you a you know, a really quick example.
Like, I don't go around telling people when I see them or meet them or I'm walking in the street or a store or whatever. I don't be like, You can't hit me. You can't hit me if you hit me. We can't be friends, but I have set a boundary for myself that I make a request of everyone. That they don't hit me.
And if they don't, if they do hit me, then how I, the consequence I self protect myself is right. I, you know, no longer am friends with them or I call the police or like, I know what I'm going to do in that moment. So that's just an example. That we can communicate it and we will in some instances. But there are those kind of universal boundaries that we have that they, they're not communicated until they're violated.
And then when they're violated, then you can communicate and make it known. Another example is just like, I think visually, if we think about a fence we have around our. Right around our home. Like we know we talk about that as being like the boundary or being on our property boundary line, but we don't have a big sign on our fence that says, If you come in or cross this fence, then I will call the police.
But you could still still have it, you know your boundary and. There's two things that could happen, right? If, if I go into the healthy boundary, the healthy boundary is saying when you already know this, that when the person comes, say, you have to, my request is you leave right now, or I will call the police.
So this is a healthy re a healthy boundary, right? It's got a request, it's got a con. It's promoting self responsibility because it's telling you, I will call the police if you don't leave. You've made that kind of communication. Now, remember, you've said this to the person after they crossed over the fence and they're in your yard, so now they've violated it.
So now you say to them, If you don't leave, I'll call the police. Now, an unhealthy and weak boundary would be like they. They're your fence, They're in your yard and you go out there like totally yelling and screaming, What are you doing? Who are, you? Get outta here. And then you, this is where you went into like, you know, emotional childhood, but notice how you're just kind of like yelling and shushing them off because, and you're trying to control, manipulate them to leave, but it doesn't have that second half, either of that consequence of what you will.
And it's a, it, it is still a little bit of a boundary, but it's more on that weaker side of boundary. Okay. So when and how to set, There's just like two things to think about, getting clear on your boundaries and then kind of like how, how you don't have to go around telling everyone. You just wanna be the one who's clear, who's clear about it.
Okay. So two. Which we've kind of already, I've already highlighted, but just to go in a little bit deeper, two steps to effectively set an emotional boundary still has to do with making a request and having a consequence. So how this would look is asking someone to stop doing the thing that infringes on your property.
But when I say the word property, I. Literally, but also emotionally like we wanna have, like, so thinking about our property, I want you to think about your emotions, your feelings, remember about owning them. So to effectively set an emotional boundary,
We, we can do that on, It's something that somebody is doing is affecting or stepping onto your boundary, like, you know, taking you out of your peace. Or like every time the person does something, you find yourself getting angry. Like we know that they're created by your thought. This is something where you can effectively have both those pieces of a request and a consequence so that you can protect your emotional property.
Okay? So again, the consequence part is to tell the person what you will do if they don't comply with your request. I'm gonna give you two examples that I have written down here, not up. So you might wanna take, or if you can just make a little note here. So let's say you have this friend and repeatedly when you get together for lunch, she's always late.
That that repeatedly has been her behavior. You have seen that When that happens, you emotionally. Get all riled up, right? Like with all of your thoughts, like, that's so rude and how dare her. And it's wasting my time. And, and you get the picture. Let's say now because of this, you have determined that you want to set a boundary for yourself to protect your emotionals emotional life here.
Okay? So what this, what might look like. When we know that a boundary is a request and a consequence is that it's one of two things. It can be where you don't communicate, but you then go ahead and decide that if, if they're late, what you are gonna do, get up and leave, or you know, talk to them about it then, Or not wait 15 minutes like you would decide it.
But if we are choosing the route where we're gonna communicate this to, We don't have to com we don't have to communicate it ahead of time. You don't have to say, Hey, you know, Jennifer, you're, you're kind of always late sometimes, so if you're, I just want you to know if you're late, I'm gonna leave. But you can remember.
You wanna wait until, Well not wait. You don't want to wait, but I'm just saying part of it is, We then can communicate once it's violated, but you've already determined this boundary and then you go to lunch and then she's 15 minutes late, or she's becoming late and you know that you, when she gets there, you can say, or she does, you know, get there.
She'll say you know, from now on I will wait 15 minutes. But if you're any later, after 15 minutes, then I'm going to leave. But don't worry, I'm not gonna be upset about it because you get to do whatever you want to do. I, I see she's putting it back on herself. I just don't wanna wait. And so then she's communicated this boundary, but she.
The defensiveness away from it and any blame that this other person should change anything that she's doing because there she has her reasons why she's late and she gets to have her own agency by her own thoughts and feelings to be late. It's the the, when you come from a really strong boundary and you're protecting yourself, you get to just communicate, Hey, I just want you to know this is what I'm gonna.
It doesn't, you know, I'm not gonna be yelling, I'm not gonna be mad at you, but I'm not gonna wait because I don't want to, And that's good enough. Another, another example real quick, is like, if a boss yells at you, you can say, if you continue to raise your voice. So again, it's after you, your boundary is like, I don't allow people to yell.
So when the boss crosses the boundary and he yells at you, you then give him the consequence and communicate it after the violation has been made and you say, I'm, if you continue to raise your voice, I'm gonna leave the room until you calm down. Okay. So you've taken self responsibility and you've done what you wanna do, and you leave the room.
Then you could say, or let's say they don. You could say if you don't speak or to me in a way that's more calm, then I will take it to hr.
This allows the boss to make his own decision and live out whatever that is, live out their own results. But this gives you that empowerment. That you know what you want to protect yourself and your life and then you are the one taking action on it.
Okay. I just wanna real quickly tell you some thoughts that what are not boundaries sometimes like to better understand what something is. We, we hear what they're not. So here's a couple thoughts that you may have thought in the past. Were boundaries, but they're not. I wish hubby would take the garbage.
I would like my wife to be more romantic in our case. I would like my husband to be more romantic. I would like my boss to give me more praise. I want my girlfriends to call me back when I call them.
What those that I just said actually are, is a term if we haven't brought it up yet in this coaching group, but we use in coaching and I do sometimes is explain about, those are what we call manuals. Right. Without knowing it, we actually do without being totally aware of until I bring it to your attention.
We all carry around like a manual for other people and our. We're like husband manual. A good husband asks me how I'm doing every day. A good husband splits all the chores, 50 50, a good husband. You see, like how we grow up. We kind of have these manuals and that's kind of what these thoughts were. I wish he would take out the garbage is our manual for our husband taking out the garbage.
But those aren't boundaries.
It is okay to make requests, but it's a problem if your happiness depends on it. I think this phrase is really, really applicable. Like we can totally relate if we're thinking about our children, right? It's okay to make these requests, but it can really be a problem. If our happiness depends on it, this is that freedom.
I'm trying to kind of break you through from the trap that our happiness, or if other people would change, or if only this would happen, then I would feel better. And then when you learn this concept that no, it's your thoughts that create your feelings, it's your own thoughts, it's never anything outside of you.
Then you can realize how This is just so crystal clear. That when we ask people to do something, it's never that, like, if we're doing it so that we'll be happier, that's just kind of like a lost cause, not kind of. It is because the only thing that creates our happiness is the, is what we think about what's going on in our life.
Right. And in the, in the case of, I wish my husband was more romantic and my boss gave me more praise. There's been no violation here from someone. That's why it's not, you know, a boundary crossed is cuz there's been there's been no violation and the consequence is not appropriate. Kind of what I was just talking about, if your happiness depends on it, because really the underlying thing is manipulation, right?
So if we. Not that you can't make the request to your husband to be more romantic or make more romantic gestures, but again, your happiness can't depend on it. And we are, See how it's like a teeny bit of a form of manipulation. Again, all your thoughts about that is, is what makes it if you care. Cuz sometimes I know that I'll tell him like, I want you to do this and I'm doing it because I really like, you know what you say?
Like I want you to buy me this for my birthday, you know? He just gets to decide if he does it or not. That's all. So it's still kind of like a request and he hasn't you know, vi done any kind of violation there. All right. Here are the challenges that come up with boundary settings. I'm working with a client right now, actually, I have her later today where I've seen some of our thought downloads.
It has to do with a mother-in-law who, you know, we've. Some issues and challenges and problems with our mother-in-law. And then we have this husband that we love so much. And then we're we, we battle with all these thoughts because the challenges to boundaries is that they often require uncomfortable conversations.
Uncomfortable conversations. So your brain will say, Avoid. Avoid at all costs. Pain. Pain is coming, Uncom. And then this is where I want you to see like the whole like big premise of coaching that I'm teaching you. That it's just a feeling and feelings are just a vibration and vibrations don't kill us.
And that you, you can handle it. And that on the other side of feeling uncomfortable is a result that you want. And boundaries are no different. The challenge is you'll have to get uncomfortable sometimes to talk with people, to say it through and to hold. Is not gonna feel good in your body. Our brain is gonna tell us like, Oh, don't worry.
Go hug 'em, the kids, you know, and give 'em what they wanted cuz you want them to think you're a good mom and all of that, right? So there will be some uncomfortableness and then others don't have to understand or agree with you and you've just gotta be prepared. When you set a boundary, when you do a consequence, just know that others don't have to agree with the boundary, and so prepare yourself that they are gonna have all their own human thoughts and feelings.
Lastly, I just wanna kind of hone in on. Some important things to remember. Proper boundaries come from a place of love. So not only do you wanna get clear about what your boundaries are in the moment of feeling like emotionally high and negatively is not the time to set one, but. We want to get where we're setting boundaries out of love.
Love for ourself, love for the our children, love for our mother-in-law. We wanna do all that we can do to see how loving it is and emphasize to others that you do this because you are taking care of yourself,
cuz that is what you're. Which others might have thoughts about it being selfish, but we know that that's their thoughts and that there's nothing more important than for you to feel good and to feel better, and to inject love and really like, you know, the whole unconditional love, you know, training that you also have access to is, is to show that there's no there, there's no other better emotion to choose if you can, and boundaries.
We definitely want to, to come from a place of love, so work through any negative emotions before you set them. Okay? So if you're not feeling peaceful or loving in the moment, you probably shouldn't make a boundary or at least, you know, communicate it.
And I wanna invite you, when you're thinking about the boundaries that you make, there might, you might, you have this tendency to wanna just disconnect and separate yourself from someone altogether to, not to, to just say like, I'm done with them. No more not in my life. And I, And that may be ultimately what you decide, but I want to just have you pause and urge for you to say, to ask the question, What might I need to learn from this person first?
What are they here to teach me? I think is a phrase that we hear. Because if we are just so stuck in their wrong, they shouldn't do this, that kind of thing we really could be cutting ourselves up for some from, from some gems. When I did that with my daughter, like when I stopped looking at it as like, if she just needs to change, she just needs to listen, she just needs to.
You know, stop behaving like this way and all when I really was like, turned it to, what is she here to teach me? Because she would definitely find those things that triggered me inside and I'm, instead of being like what is triggered and bring that to the surface and get it coached on so that I could keep a connection.
Not that my daughter is someone who I would say I'm gonna get totally outta my life and all, but you know, When your adults are, some adults have to get to that place with their children when they're older and vice versa, kids cutting off their parents and things like that. So I just wanna have you pause and say like, relationship wise, setting boundaries just before you totally cancel them out all together or separate them.
Just say, What are they here to teach me? Right? And then lastly, I wanna conclude by letting you know that following through on your consequ. 100% of the time is critical for your boundary to be effective. Cause you know, with our kids, give them an inch, they'll give us a mile , right? When there's someone who learns that, yeah, you kind of follow through sometimes, but you kind of don't, then they'll kind of expect that it's not as important to you.
So what we're aiming for is a hundred percent. Follow through on our consequences for the boundaries that we've set. All right. That is the training that I. For you today on boundaries. My sincere hope is that the recording of the training was very helpful to you today and you had some really good takeaways and perhaps learned something that you didn't use before and can now apply to your busy mom life.
All right everyone. I will see you again here next week. Thanks again for being my listeners and I appreciate you much peace and. Thank you for tuning in to today's episode of The Peaceful Mind Podcast. Are you ready to take everything I teach you here and put it to work for your own life? To really learn how to have peace of mind no matter what is happening around you.
If so, I'd love to have you as a client, as your coach. This is where you'll get personal and focus time on your own mind, using life coaching tools, concepts, and proven life, transforming wisdom, all through a faith filled lens. To learn more about how we can work together, come on over to daniellethienel.com
there you'll see how to sign up for a free coaching consult and learn how to get started. Until next time, please be with you always.