Episode 160
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You are listening to episode 160 of the Peaceful Mind Podcast.
Welcome to the Peaceful Mind Podcast, a place for creating the peace of mind you need to be the best mom. You are created by God to be. If you wanna bring more balance, more joy, and more peace to your motherhood, this is the place for you. I'm your host, certified life coach at Catholic Mom Danielle Thienel.
In the name of the Father of the Son and of the Holy Spirit. Let's get started.
Welcome back everyone. I'm so glad you're here. Thank you for all of the kind words and reviews and five stars that you have been giving me on the podcast. It. So nice. Yes. Our, our human side does like that validation that you're actually liking. what you are learning here on the podcast, but more importantly, when you do that as far as reviewing and, and giving five stars, you're helping it get in front of more people out there and exposed to this work because the more moms that are feeling better about their lives and really being more.
Productive and patient and having more peace the better because it just overflows into changing families, which change communities, which changes the world. So I'm excited to talk about this topic today, but before I do, I just wanna mention if you have any interest in joining me in my life coaching program.
Called Busy to Balanced know that it is available for you to join now at any time. I welcome you to explore what this program offers you by going to my website danielle tal.com and clicking on that life coaching program. option under the work with me part. I also want to just let you know that if you go there and you're someone who hasn't tried life coaching yet, or you're not really sure, or you just want to have a one-on-one interaction with me in order to, you know, see what it's like and get a sample of life.
You are more than welcome to sign up for a free coaching call and let's do that. I can hone in with you on what you are struggling right now in your busy mom life, and I can bring relief to you in all the categories of life, whether it is relationships that you're struggling with, if it is your emotional.
Wellbeing we talk about if you want to have you know, raise your satisfaction in where you're spending your life in as far as your time. If you struggle with money mindset, This would be a perfect time to come explore that and get some help there that can unlock so much for you in your life as well as what's going on with your physical health.
And what about a career or business? Maybe you're thinking about starting something. Maybe you left a career and you're feeling a tug to do something outside of the home. Anything you can come to that free call and. See what life coaching can do for you in just that one call. Also, if you're interested in joining my program and you just want some clarification and more questions answered, I'm happy to do that.
And today we're gonna talk about a topic that comes up a lot as I'm coaching my clients in both that one-on-one capacity and in the group format that I offer it is called all or Nothing Thinking I can catch when moms are going to extremes in their mind and today I'm calling that episode all or nothing, motherhood, but really it's within your mom life.
It's when you, either something is going on and your brain just shows either. It's amazing, it's wonderful. It's, it's something that you really like and want or. It's horrible. Like this is a terrible thing. And then sometimes it's, it's the all or nothing is more like, not that it's a wonderful thing happen, but you can, you can crack open and see the possibilities of kind of two worst case scenarios.
And so it's basically the all or nothing thinking. I want you to start thinking about it as like a continu. , right? And I wanna help you operate in your life in a way that is somewhere more in the middle. Okay? This is where I have found that my mamas, that they, that's where they find peace and freedom within the challenges that you're.
It is found more in the middle, in the gray area, right? So all or nothing, black or white. There is the gray and there is the middle where freedom and peace lies. So as I discussed this topic today, and, and provide you with examples. I want you to see which one kind of hits you of, yeah, I think that might be something that I'm doing in this area of my life.
And then see if that is something that you might want to, you know, have some progress in and see some change. Might you want to start being more of a middle peace person instead of the extremes of all or. . So for some moms, motherhood can be an all or nothing experience where either you believe everything is perfect or everything is a disaster, but is it really healthy to think that way?
I don't think so. I love one of my mentors thoughts about this. I love when she says that I am both amazing and a. And see how there are some moms who think I'm amazing and there's other moms who think I'm a mess. Where you could marry them both and think more of and right, not the or all or nothing. I want you to see where can you start to add the word and, and then let that bring you to the piece that just tells us we're just a human doing the best we.
So some mothers tend to see motherhood as this all in experience where they throw themselves into every aspect of their child's life, from playtime to academics to extracurriculars. They believe that if they don't give a hundred percent of themselves to their child that they're failing as a mother.
Have any of you found yourself in that situation? While, of course it's admirable to wanna be the best parent possible, and I get it, I get this comes from our loving hearts and we, we can think that it's such a good thing and at times it can be. But what it also leads to is burnout and a neglect of some other important areas of in your, in your life.
So kind of go. To say like, what motivated you to become this all in Mother? Did you have, did you have that kind of portrayed for you as an example? Is it tied to where you maybe have some challenges with worthiness? And so then you feel like if I am. always striving for perfection in my motherhood, then it would equate to some level of worthiness.
So how does this impact your life and relationships that you have outside of your motherhood? And have you ever felt guilty for not being able to give a hundred percent to your spouse or your child? But what advice would you give to other moms who struggle with finding balance in mother? If you saw them just going all in all the time, trying to make everything perfect and not seeing that there was like a kind of happy medium would, what would you tell them?
So is there something that you would tell them that you could apply to your life right now? And then on the other hand of this spectrum of this continuum that I'm kind of giving you a visual for some moms feel. Nothing they do is ever good enough for their children. And they constantly compare themselves to other moms, and they feel like they're failing short.
So notice how we have a little bit of similarity here. We've got this all-in Mom who feels like she's failing at that. And then we have the other side of a spectrum where nothing's ever good enough and so that she feels like she's failing. And this is exactly that, all or nothing motherhood that I want you to recognize that instead of feeling like you're failing at this and that you're falling short at this, there is a medium, there is a middle where sometimes yes, we fall short and sometimes we are like failing at doing some things that we're setting our sight.
But what about all the things that we are doing well and the things we are doing right and what we're not falling short on? That is what we wanna concentrate more on, and we'll give you peace and freedom. It's right there in the middle. So the same thing that I was kind of asking you questions, what motivates you to become a, nothing is ever good enough, mom.
What's the motivation behind? , how does it impact your life and relationships outside of motherhood when you are carrying around the thinking that nothing is ever good enough? And have you ever felt like you're not doing enough for your child? And what advice would you give other moms who struggle with this comparison and these feelings of inadequacy?
I have a, a podcast that I've done in the past that's, Bully Brain versus best friend brain. I really highly recommend you go back and listen to that one. But that's where this question that I always kind of default to stems from. When, what advice would you give other moms who struggle with this?
Because that's how I'm wanting you to step into the best friend brain. Like if you're having a conversation with your best friend and you're telling her all the things that isn't going well and you're not doing right and how you're like not good enough, and I'm like, what would she say to. . So it's important for moms to find a healthy balance between this all in and nothing's ever good enough.
So this all or nothing mentality, it's okay to set boundaries. It's okay to prioritize your self-care. Why, while still being present and attentive to your child's needs, you can balance and fit in the other things as. because as we all know, I was part of this trap, the striving for perfection trap, and it does lead to unhappiness and stress.
It doesn't lead to where you truly want to be. So I just invite you to explore how you can find balance between giving your all and not feeling like you're failing.
Set some boundaries, right? Practice self-care. I have episodes both on how to set boundaries and to practice what I call extreme self-care. So go ahead and look those up. And how can mothers avoid falling into this trap of comparison and striving for perfection? You first have to recognize that, that this is happening in your.
and you will want to, you know, release this striving for you to come back to this thought that you're both amazing and a mess because you are a human being and you're not a robot. And this helps us find ourselves in the middle where we feel more peaceful, that there's nothing wrong with you and you don't have to be striving all the.
Okay, so here's some specific examples of how moms either, I wanna, I wanna bring this kind of visual, cuz I see this a lot that we either blaming others or blaming, we're pretty much right blaming others for how we feel or we're shaming ourselves. So we then bring it back to ourselves, but we have shame about it.
So this is one of the most popular continuums in this all or nothing that I see. They either have to blame someone or shame, and I want to see if this is something that you think you struggle with, and then can I help you find a more happy medium? So blaming others. Let's talk. So a mom might blame her spouse for not helping with the children enough, and that will lead to feelings of overwhelm and exhaustion.
Or we can blame our child's teacher for not providing enough support, leading to feelings of frustration and disappointment, or we blame our own mothers for not teaching us how to be a better parent or leading. Feelings of resentment and inadequacy because we think that we have taken on those qualities that, that she didn't provide an example for us.
Okay, so that is, that is where someone might be blaming, where a mom might be blaming others, but notice what feelings it led to overwhelm, exhaustion, frustration, disappointment, resentment, and ade. Mamas, those feelings are not going to have you showing up as your best self. They are not going to lead to results that you want.
It's not gonna lead to achieving the goals that you're after. But notice how when we blame others outside of us for feeling that way, when truly it's our own thinking about them, that is causing those feeling. . So if you find yourself on that side of the continuum, is that something where you could move yourself more in the middle?
Can you start to see and relinquish the blame and move it towards, okay, if it is me, if it's my role that I'm playing, where do I wanna take ownership and responsibility and move myself more to a place of peace and freedom? The other side of the spectrum. . Maybe you fall on that side where you are someone who shames yourself.
Do you feel guilty for not spending enough time with your child? Because that also leads to feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt. Do you feel ashamed for not being able to, let's say, breastfeed your child? And that might lead to feelings of failure or judgment from others? That judgment from others is a big.
I wanna help you all see how we want to let others just go ahead and have their thoughts about us. It's okay. How about, do you feel embarrassed when you lose your temper? Do you feel shame and have a belief that you're a bad parent because you lost your temper? Where can we, if that's you, if you find yourself that more on the shame, , where can you start giving yourself grace that you're a human being or see that you want to up your self care to get those stress levels down If you're exhausted and that's why you're losing your temper for real, that's about you.
And, and making, getting enough sleep a priority because it's so important to note that blaming. and shaming ourselves is harmful to the life that we wanna live, and it leads us to negative emotions and feelings, and then we find ourself in a cycle of feeling stuck. Instead, I urge you to practice self-compassion and understand that parenting, it's a learning.
They did not come with instruction books, and it's okay to make mistakes and it's certainly okay to ask for help. I have a huge component of that one. So let's look at a few examples in your busy mom life where you may be keeping yourself out of this middle ground, out of this place of peace because you are looking at your life in extremes.
I've mentioned a few. , and so let's talk about work-life balance. Some moms might feel like they need to either be fully focused on their work or fully focused on their family, but what this does is leads to feelings of guilt and overwhelm again and again. For example, a mom might feel like you are a bad parent for working long hours, and there's a lot of shoulds.
like, I sh I should be home. I should want to be home. I should like hanging out with my kids for a long time. Or maybe you're gonna feel like then a bad employee, right? If you leave work early because you want to go take care of your child. So that's one way. Let's talk about household chores. Some moms feel like they need to keep their home spotless and perfectly.
But this leads to feelings of stress and anxiety. You might feel like you're a failure if the dishes are piled up in the sink or if the laundry isn't folded and put away. In my case, like immediately I gotta watch myself where I feel like I can't do anything else until this is completed from beginning to end.
Do you see yourself in the extremes of household chores, are you one who is. a job or vocation outside of being a mom, and you watch your mindset go into these extremes. It's all or nothing. I'm either doing a great job or I'm not because I'm working. And then of course, self-care I will never let down on over, like trying to just.
Overly help you see the importance of self-care because you, if you feel like you always need to be on and available, then it'll lead to neglect of your own self-care for sure, and it will have a detrimental impact on your mental health. You might feel guilty for taking time for yourself. Exercise or even pray.
You see the irony in that, or you feel like you don't have time to do things that you enjoy, not your hobbies and some activities outside of parenting because your physical presence removed from your kids, your mind will just, just kind of zap you into that extreme. So, Not leave off social media. Okay.
Because I think this really plays a big role into whether we want to fall into that. I'm, I'm doing a great job and I'm not doing a great job because of the comparison that that does when we see other moms. It just, and what they're up to and then we compare ourselves and those feelings of inadequacy and pressure just flood.
you could see pictures of other moms doing fun activities, going on vacations, and then you feel like you aren't doing enough for your children. So all these situations, it's important for you to remember that life is meant to be 50 50. I also have a podcast on that. It's, it's a complex mix of ups and downs.
This life of. It is rarely all good and all bad. I I explain that you can have like good days, good weeks, good months, but you also can have good and bad within those days, within the week, within the month. And when we, when we understand this, we don't make it a problem. But for today's episode, it's, it's really that I want you to.
If you are someone who falls into the extremes, are you on one end of the continuum or you just like kind of flop back to the other one? One example that I know came from one right out of one of my coaching sessions that I wanted to, you know, kind of just mention here, and that was about. , her son not getting or being on top of filling out and getting into college, like, you know, doing all you have to do to line up the testing and the scoring and the essays and the, and the grades and the recommendations, I'm sure.
But also taking the time to figure out where you wanna go, where you wanna apply, and the child just not, you know, as motivated, but notice that this. The mind was going to what I am calling that all or nothing where she could see that the sun or how she felt was that the sun should either be going all out, getting on top of it, knowing the calendar, knowing the dates, when the, when is it due, what colleges, if it has the major that you want, and just lining everything.
or her mind went to, well, if he doesn't do any of that, then he is not gonna go to college, then he won't get a job. Then he'll be homeless and uneducated and under a bridge and living, you know, there just homeless. And she didn't necessarily maybe tell me those exact words. I can literally just see that the mind goes to the extremes when all of that isn't necessarily true that you could find, or I urged her to find that middle ground that brings her some more peace and freedom.
And so what we. C that might help is she can have some calm conversations with her son. She could do a little bit of research herself. Right. And she could, she could also just ask him for what help he would need or just, you know, again, talking to him to see what's going on on his side. But she also can really practice thoughts and thinking that, that it's fine that.
that he might change his attitude about it later, or it might be that he's not behind, or it might be something where, you know, he ends up going to like community college and that is, gets to be perfect for his life. Again, it's not that what we're thinking is. . I just know that the brain has a tendency, tendency to really go all in, especially on the negative.
And it goes to the extreme negatives. And what I know is if as we can ask ourselves, how is this not a problem? How might this work out best for my life? How am I, am I like worrying about a future that hasn't taken place? How might this be the right path for my child? And. By not trying to control or manipulate it, it would be most helpful.
Notice how I'm just kind of moving you from the extremes back to the middle, and I promise you from there is peace and freedom. And as we go about practicing being in the middle, it will require us to give ourselves self compass. to find that mental balance between what we are teetering back and forth, it will require you giving yourself self-care and being filled up and so that you can have the clarity to, to be able to tap into the middle.
And as always, I know that it will help you reduce feelings of stress and help you to find more peace in your busy lives. . Okay everyone. That is what I have for you today. I'm so happy that you are here, and thank you for being here Again, just take this week, have yourself think, where am I choosing my all or nothing thinking, and what might be really true that you will find in the.
Thanks again and I will talk to you again next week. Peace be with you always. Thank you for tuning in to today's episode of The Peaceful Mind Podcast. Are you ready to take everything I teach you here and put it to work for your own life? To really learn how to have peace of mind no matter what is happening around you.
If so, I'd love to have you as a client, as your coach. This is where you'll get personal and focus time on your own mind, using life coaching tools, concepts, and proven life, transforming wisdom, all through a faith-filled lens. To learn more about how we can work together, come on over to daniellethienel.com
there you'll see how to sign up for a free coaching consult and learn how to get started. Until next time, peace be with you always.
