[00:00:00] You are listening to Episode 205 of the Peaceful Mind Podcast.
Welcome to the Peaceful Mind Podcast, a place for creating the peace of mind you need to be the best mom you were created by God to be. If you want to bring more balance, more joy, and more peace to your motherhood, this is the place for you. I'm your host, Certified Life Coach at Catholic Mom, Danielle Thienel.
In the name of the Father, of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit, let's get started.
Hi there, beautiful mamas. Welcome back to the podcast. I'm your host, Danielle, and I hope you are having a great start to the new year. I'm so excited to have you here today because in this episode, I'm actually Going to talk about a topic that was given to me by [00:01:00] one of you listeners out there. Her name is Christiana.
So Christiana, this one is being created because of you. So I don't always bring my topics from what is happening in my life or what is going on with my current client's life, what we're discussing in with my personal clients and with my group clients definitely sparks the ideas and I can see in real time what's going on in your busy mom lives.
And so I definitely get my ideas for episodes there, but I also welcome any of you who aren't, a client who are not, we haven't met before, but you are a listener. I know there are lots of you out there that are reading my emails, listening to my podcasts, and maybe even reading my book. And so I want you to welcome you, that you can always write in at [00:02:00] support at DanielleTienal.
com and give me some ideas on what you want to be hearing out there. And that's exactly what Christiana did. She has a special needs child, and she was feeling a lot of guilt about not spending the equal amount of time with all of her children. I can't remember right now how me she had, but I remember it is a handful it was several, and then with this special needs child.
And her, her question, I know, is something that I Some of you out there are also thinking, even if you don't have a special needs child, you just have multiple children and you are carrying around. This kind of guilt and burden that you should be spending time with them or wanting to know how can I spend, like, you know, an equal amount of time with each of them if you're feeling that one's taking over more [00:03:00] than the other.
So that is where we're gonna, what we're gonna just talk about on the podcast today. But before we get started, I wanted to remind you all to make sure that you are subscribed to this podcast. And then I want to invite you to also leave a review. If you find this content valuable because your feedback means not only does it just mean the world to me, it is also in collaboration with my, with the mission that I have along with Christ to help lessen the suffering that is going on out there with us moms and it helps just other moms like you find the podcast and get a semblance of Maybe even just a little touch of relief that day for them to hear that, see that they're not alone in their struggles.
So I would just really love it if you could do that for me. Okay. So onto the topic as moms. It is no, like, [00:04:00] it's no new piece of information that we often find ourselves juggling multiple responsibilities and trying to meet all of the unique needs of each of our children. It can be especially challenging for moms who have children with special needs who often may require extra time, extra attention, or extra care.
So, let's begin by addressing this guilt that many of us feel when we can't give all of our kids equal time and attention. So, first and foremost, it's crucial to recognize that feeling guilty It is a natural response. And as I tell, I want you to know today, I get it, I get that we would fall to feeling guilty because I really do believe that underneath that guilt is coming a line of thinking [00:05:00] that is meant well, that it's coming from a great place, a place of love.
We hold ourselves to high standards and we want what's best for our children. That is the underlining impetus behind. Unfortunately, the path goes a little bit wonky and the path is is leading us to this guilty feeling and It's essential to remember that you are only one person and you cannot be everywhere and do everything at once.
This is something that I do repeat often to my clients, to, I, I remind them to remember that you're not alone. You are a robot. You are a human being with a limited amount of time and energy. It is finite. God created our [00:06:00] bodies with this amount of energy that after we sleep, we're supposed to be refilled.
And then we start our day and I visualize like a pitcher, a pitcher of water. But think of that water as your energy. And if you have a really packed, full, hard, crazy morning having to do a lot, like you're going to pour a lot of that water slash energy out and, And by, for the end of the day, you only get so much water in that pitcher.
So you want to be able to, to take a look at how much you're expending and how much throughout the day. But I want you to see that we were built to have nighttime. We were built to, to sleep and to rejuvenate. And then the cycle happens all over again, right? And then also with time. There's been many episodes that we talk about how it is finite.
That we all have 24 [00:07:00] hours in the day. And that we are on , a ticking clock where, which each moment passes, we do have less of it of our life that's left. And I don't mean to say that as like a morbid point to get us all, you know, Oh, that's so sad and depressing. No, I do it to tell you to like light this spark to know that I am.
A human with only so much time and energy, and that's how it was meant to be. And I want to be more cognizant of what I actually can you know, accomplish and do with that time and energy. So today when we're focusing on like spending equal time with each of our children, I want you to just contemplate why, what kind of pressure are you putting yourself off?
In to be that robot that makes sure that it's equal, or if you are, if you do like your reasons [00:08:00] why you are trying to spend equal time with each of your children, then what are you going to say no to? Because you're choosing to do that, there will be a trade off and it's good to just be onto yourself about it.
So I want to explore some practical strategies, which I'm always trying to offer you all. And of course, practical strategies that are going to help you manage your feelings of guilt in this case, and to find more balance in your life, and to bring you to more peace of mind. That is what this. podcast is all about more peace of mind.
And that's where these strategies to help you manage these feelings come in. So let's start with the first strategy, which is prioritizing your child's Needs. Okay. I want you to understand that each of your children has unique [00:09:00] needs, and it is okay to prioritize these needs differently. Okay. That's, that's the key takeaway.
It's okay to prioritize those needs differently. Special needs children may require more attention, but that doesn't mean that you love your other children any less. You just want to be open and honest with your children about why you are spending more time with one child. And in this open communication, you're reassuring them of your love for all of them when you're speaking to them.
Yes, it really is about that open communication because without it, we We would make assumptions that our kids are thinking something and then our, our kids might be making assumptions and thinking thoughts about you, right? About like, Oh, if mom doesn't spend enough time with me or she's spending more [00:10:00] time with my brother and That means something like it means she doesn't like me as much or doesn't want to hang out with me as much or she doesn't love me as much.
And so having that dialogue in explaining and talking and even, you know, what is it that you want them to think you don't want them to think that. it means that you love them any less. So really, we want to just explain that. And even if you want to take on explaining to them about having only so much time and energy, how I'm explaining that to you, I, I think that you can, you know, you can totally use that on some of your children, depending on what their ages are and what you feel like is their level of understanding.
Next, I want to invite you to let go of the " equal attention" myth. It's common to fall into the trap of thinking that you must give each child the same amount of [00:11:00] time and attention. Like taking one child to the park every day means you must do the same for the second child. This is kind of how I felt with my own children.
So I have twins, and when I was home with the twins, I did so much like I can remember again, play dates, going to all of the parks, going to all of the kind of like art festivals that were happening. And we, I really was exposing them to lots of different activities and things.
And then when my third child, when my son came along, I actually had that idea at first that I should take him to all of those same things. I mean, after all, his siblings got to experience that, right? And I wanted to make sure that I didn't, what, leave him out to not give the same kind of education to him. And [00:12:00] so letting go of the equal attention myth had me stepping in to realizing, you know, I had a certain amount of energy.
And time when I had just the girls now, when you're adding my son, now we're up to three children, the idea of doing all of those parks and activities to the level of what I was a capable of doing with the first two just wasn't. Wasn't something that served me or was helpful to our family at all.
Because the truth was I didn't just now have my son. Now it wasn't just the one of him. It's now the three of the total of children. And so. So having multiple children and then adding on what I know Christiana, who gave me this idea for the episode was meaning is that she also has varying needs with her child, with her [00:13:00] children.
So you have some that do require, especially if they have special needs, more time and attention. So it isn't always feasible. For you to spend equal time with children, and I want you all to just grab onto this thought and belief that it's also not even necessary. It's not necessary. Understand that your love and care for your children are not measured by the minutes you spend with each of them.
Instead, I want you to focus and find peace, peace of mind within your family dynamics and circumstances that focus on the quality over the quantity. Okay. And then now I just want to offer this, to seek support. If you want to feel better and have more peace [00:14:00] of mind and feel less guilty about having to spend equal time and attention with each of your children, then seek support.
Don't be afraid to ask for help, right? Reach out to friends to take care of, or family, or support groups within your community. Groups like my group life coaching program where you're with like minded moms trying to overcome the same challenges and in doing so you are taking that finite time and attention and Energy and helping spread it to meet your goals Right.
So if if your goal is to have equal time and attention it might mean that somebody else might have to take care of one or two of your children and Right? So that they are getting the love and nurturing that they need, or the activity that you think will you know, [00:15:00] that, that will be that love and lifting up that you're looking for, for those, but then you might be spending your time and attention on one other child at the same time, but notice how you couldn't do that without the support of others, of leaning on others, because Others provide valuable emotional support for your children when you don't have any and yourself, and they lend hands with childcare when needed, and this is a vital component for all of us.
Coming back to that, like needing a village, yes, you're going to feel more guilt if you're believing that you should be taking on this responsibility of having equal airtime and attention with all of your children. And then the last strategy that I want to offer is really a primary focus in [00:16:00] all of my coaching that I return to again and again, and I'm happily reminding this to all of you yet again today, that.
You taking, having self care, you feeling filled up is not at all selfish. It's actually part of a divine order that makes your family function well. And that is taking care of yourself mentally and emotionally, physically, and spiritually to the best of your ability and making that be essential to your time and attention first.
Right? When you do that, you are more, you're more capable of showing up for your children the way that you want to when that takes place. And again, this is where your brain is going to want to offer you thoughts of guilt when that comes. And I'm here to help [00:17:00] you no longer have that be your default to be like, okay, no, wait a minute.
No, what I've been learning is. That if I think that taking care of myself and giving myself self care is self, is guilty, is, is, I'm sorry, is selfish, and that makes you feel guilty when you think about it, then that guilt is getting me in the opposite direction of what I want to do, which is feel good, which is going to drive me to having the time and energy that I want to spend with my children.
So. We know that when you're feeling your best, you'll be better equipped to care for your children, including those with special needs. And we, I'd like to just remind you all too, of the beautiful prayer that you can use during these moments of guilt, when you are needing to call upon strength and guidance.
On your journey in your busy mom life, and especially at [00:18:00] those times of guilt, you want to recall and remember the serenity prayer. Yes? Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Ask him to help you balance the needs of your children.
Recognizing that each one is a unique, has unique gifts and calls for your unique time and attention and fill our hearts right with love, patience, and understanding. And I also want to remind you. To give yourself love, patience, and understanding as you're trying to figure out how to feel less guilty and to let go of the thought that your children need equal airtime with you, equal time and attention with you.
So in closing of today's podcast, [00:19:00] just remember. That I know that you're doing your best and I want you to know that that is more than enough and I want you to embrace your role as a mom, knowing and embracing your role as a human being, that we're flawed, that we are not robots and that we too need time and attention for ourselves.
And in doing so, I hope that this episode has helped you just kind of either unlock or just unravel a little bit this focus you might have of this belief that a goal is to give all your kids equal time and attention. And maybe we've unraveled that, that, that, that might not be the case. And why wouldn't it be?
Why is it okay? And why is it your, your goal [00:20:00] that maybe you don't do that as a mom, just something really interesting to think about. Yeah. Okay. So thank you again to Christiana for, for writing in. And if anybody else has any podcast episodes or topics that they'd like me to dive deeper on or talk about further, definitely email me and get in touch and you can find out how to do that in the show notes.
And I, again, as always, I thank you so much for joining me today and I hope you have a blessed week and until next time, peace be with you always. Thank you so much for tuning in to today's episode of the Peaceful Mind Podcast. If you found value in today's episode, I'd be so grateful if you could subscribe and leave a review.
It not only supports the podcast, but ensures you don't miss out on future episodes packed with insights and tools. to create peace of mind in your busy mom life. And if you're of the [00:21:00] Catholic faith like me or any Christian mom seeking to feel better in any area of your life and to show up more calm, connected, and confident, I can help.
Become an empowered mom who knows how to bring about the changes you desire, no matter the circumstances. Whether you need one on one guidance to get there, prefer a group coaching program with like minded women or a self study course. I've got you covered. Explore my private one on one packages. Join my Busy to Balanced group life coaching program or delve into my signature course, Divine Time
to find out which path is right for you, let's meet and see what's the best fit. Schedule a free call with me at daniellethienel.Com or send me a direct message on Facebook or Instagram @daniellethienelcoaching.
And also don't forget to get your copy of my book, The Cyclone Mom Method, How to Call On Your God-Given Power to Remain Calm, [00:22:00] In Control, and Confident as a Busy Mom. Dive into the digital and bonus audio version when you go to book. danielleteenle. com forward slash new dash book. You'll find all the details in the show notes too. Until next time, peace be with you always.