Danielle Thienel: [00:00:00] You are listening to Episode 222 of the Peaceful Mind Podcast.
Welcome to the Peaceful Mind Podcast, a place for creating the peace of mind you need to be the best mom you were created by God to be. If you want to bring more balance, more joy, and more peace to your motherhood, This is the place for you. I'm your host, Certified Life Coach and Catholic Mom, Danielle Thienel.
In the name of the Father, of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit, let's get started.
Hi there, and welcome to faith-filled moms. Who are here looking for some more peace of mind. Today I plan to help you with that the best I can with talking about five things to unlearn from your childhood. Let's face it, everyone there are some things that we were [00:01:00] taught before when we were younger that are no longer useful to us, but what happens is our brain just keeps on believing the same things that we were taught without stopping and questioning them.
And today I'm going to point out kind of five items that. I think, as my experience for helping moms for five years now with these life coaching tools that I think hone in and focus on the ones, the ideas of what we learned during our childhood that definitely no longer serve us anymore. And my intention is that we will be able to release some of these old thought errors and belief systems so that you can become closer to the peace and purpose that you crave.
And the first one that I want you to unlearn is perfectionism. Unlearn perfectionism. Because we [00:02:00] were taught that striving for perfection is more important than embracing imperfection. And when we can unlearn that and instead embrace imperfection and put less focus on perfection, you are going to be able to lead a more joyful, balanced, and peaceful life.
I want moms to learn that your worth isn't tied to the ability to manage everything flawlessly. There is a freedom that is waiting for you to tap into if you are a perfectionist, and that is found in grace. Our faith teaches us to have acceptance of our human self and also forgiveness. Of our mistakes and flaws, and this reduces the pressure to be perfect because, as I have said [00:03:00] numerous times, let's face it.
This is a fallen world, this earthly experience that we are having and perfection will happen in heaven. And so while we're here, as long as we are trying to have that perfection here, we will fall short and then assign meaning that we are not good enough or that we are failing. How many of us feel pressured to have the perfectly clean house, the perfectly behaved children, the perfect looking family picture on the Christmas card, perfect appearance, but here's something freeing.
Second Corinthians says, Let God's grace be sufficient in our weaknesses. So, we all have them. We all have flaws. And from our childhood, I want to [00:04:00] just pull out how the current school system we have, and how there are grades, and the words that are attached to the grades, excellent, good, average, below average, and failing.
Can you see how as a child, when we looked at this system? And even we're given an option to have an A plus 100 percent or even extra credit and more in perfection. We, get that we need some kind of system to, to have parameters and to give ourselves direction on where we are in levels of education.
But what happens is our brains take that system. And think of striving for and put all the goodness around getting that A and A plus. So I want you to unlearn that system, that grading, that going after for the hundred. I don't want how you feel and your self [00:05:00] worth and your joy to come from having to hit that every time in all of the things that we're juggling.
Instead of aiming for perfection, all we need is progress. All we need is to get into action because action is all we need for our results. And anytime we, we get into action, we're going to get results and all of those results won't be what we want, but we're going to learn from them. And one of the tools that I offer in the mom toolbox and inside my program is that tool of B minus, where I tell my clients and the moms I work with that actually, if we are going to stick with that grading system, we're going to pretend that an A, an A minus, A plus, that that isn't the goal.
Maybe that that doesn't even exist, but actually B minus instead of doing something 100 percent getting 100 percent completed, we can, we want to [00:06:00] aim for that 70, 75, 80 percent something that would give us a B minus. And this is why I know is because the, the hundred is elusive, it's a false, it's a false sense of reality.
Because nothing is ever perfect. Or even if you get there, it's so fleeting, right? Clean house, feels perfect, fleeting, child comes home from school, or the next day, you're kind of back down to, I don't know, maybe 25 30 percent clean, depending on how many kids you have and the ages and that kind of thing.
So I want you to unlearn perfectionism. It is the greatest thing that I unlearned through life coaching and having a coach, and it has changed my life for the better immensely. A hundredfold and more because I was keeping myself stuck in a elusive goal and [00:07:00] overwhelming myself and really just spending so much time and energy striving.
So remember, it's not about being perfect. It's about being present more time with your kids.
Opt for something quick, right? Because if you're thinking it has to be a lot of time, then you're trying to get an A, but sometimes it's a quick interaction and that my friends is not failure. So increase your joy. Increase connection. Get a lot more done if you unlearn perfectionism.
The second thing I want you to unlearn is to unlearn comparison. It's so easy to scroll through social media and feel like everyone else has it all together. [00:08:00] And I have spoken on this particular topic a few times before on the podcast. So definitely scroll back to to look at and search on comparison so that you can, if you want a deep dive on this one, if this one's tough for you, because again, like I said, this is where it questions our individual worth and has us looking to the outside.
We're not when we don't focus on our own journey and make decisions about our own life and our own circumstances, then we can get ourselves into that trap and comparison. It has been said is the thief of joy and what you're after is more joy. But when you find yourself comparing, you're immediately taking your brain to what you lack and what you don't have.
And if we're talking about things like our physical [00:09:00] appearance, then what you're not doing in that moment is you're not celebrating that God created you and he created you in his image and he doesn't make mistakes and how you were formed and what you were given as your circumstances. Was beautiful and meant to be and I'm not saying that we can't be dissatisfied with something and then use it as a catalyst To help ourselves change to and go to a place that we want to go I love looking at where people have traveled and visited and what they say is like what they like about it and not But I also know that then I get to choose and take what I want and put the, what I don't want aside, but if this is not what's happening with you, if you are going from what we learned in childhood, right, where we are looking to the competitiveness, to be number one, to get better than, to improve in a way [00:10:00] that sets you apart.
But in a way that could be at the expense of another person then we want to stop and we want to evaluate that. I just want you to ask yourself today, if you kind of think back to your childhood and going through those developmental years and then even after maybe your first workplace, have you found yourself that you have built up a pattern that you easily look to the outside into others to see what they're doing?
And then do you mentally compare yourself and focus on where you fall short, the gap between you and this other person or other things? Okay, if so, then I want you to unravel that. This is something you'll want to earn, unlearn. I know that for me, every [00:11:00] time that I find myself comparing myself in a way and then feeling bad about it, I go to shifting my focus to gratitude.
This gratitude in general just transforms my perspective immediately. And that's what I'm looking for with comparison. I'm putting it back to switching it, turning it on its head. Okay, well, I may not have, excuse me, I may not have XYZ that the other person has, or that other thing they have, but what do I have?
What am I grateful for? Or what do I want to try to figure out to get on my own that is similar to them? And and then I go after that.
Okay, the next thing I want you to unlearn from your childhood is unlearning busyness As a status symbol, I can't tell you how many moms come to me before we're about to start coaching and then they want to say something like, [00:12:00] it has been a week.
It has, it has just, this one was a big one. This there was a lot. It's just, there's been a lot and, and it's almost like it's, it's become like a little kind of joke. Or that like, you get what I mean. And I no longer look at the word busy as something that is a good thing. Okay. I know a lot of people will say like, I like being busy.
And if that is you. Then be honest with yourself that you are choosing that busyness and that that is whatever the results are of quote, how busy you are, that you are onto yourself, whether it's the truth that you like those results or not. If so, I love it. Keep it. It's working for you. But I'm talking to you [00:13:00] moms who kind of think like it's like the cool thing.
Like if you're busy. And in our culture, it kind of equates to that being important. If you're busy and you're doing lots of things, then that makes us more important. I know that I felt that with how many activities that my kids had. It's like when you're talking to someone, you're like, Oh, I'm so busy where it just, where I'm just traveling all the time.
All the time taking the kids there on the travel soccer team. And then we have gymnastics meets and this daughter is in ballet lessons so many times. And then I've decided like even in between running cross country and playing basketball, he's doing a little indoor soccer on the side. And, and it's just kind of like almost that, look at how wonderful it is.
Look at all the things that my, that I'm doing or that my children are doing, [00:14:00] but I don't believe busy is a good thing. And I do believe that feeling balanced is a lot better. And the reason for this is that there is incredible value in stillness, In rest, he tells us in Psalm 46, to be still and know God.
And there is a new version of yourself that is out there that cannot come forth without because you're a busy. When there's no room, there's no room to think, there's no room to question. There's no room to decide deliberately and purposefully. There's no room to regenerate your emotional system, [00:15:00] your physically, Like, can you be receiving the benefits of a, of a strong spiritual life if you are just busy, busy, busy?
But what I want you to unlearn it because that word busy, it's part of our society. It's part of, it's part of my, the name of my group life coaching program, Busy to Balanced, but we, I use it because it's something that we recognize, and that is just part of our culture, but what I want you to unlearn is that that that's a status symbol, that you should be wanting to attain it, or when you are talking about it, that you think that's a good thing.
I know when someone comes to me overstretched, overscheduled, overworked, overwhelmed, I know it's because they have been choosing [00:16:00] to fill their time. A. K. A. to busy themselves, but with not the appropriate balance of what's necessary for you to be able to show up as your best self and the best, your best mom.
And you know, I've talked, I've given you countless ways to be able to unbusy yourself. Throughout the, the podcast episodes, you know, I can, I can give you action plans like putting aside a few minutes each day to sit quietly, maybe wake up before the kids, use your time to pray, or simply breathe because of the benefits of these.
And yes, all those small practices, they can help remind you that your, again, your worth isn't measured by your productivity. Let me repeat that and say that again. [00:17:00] Your worth isn't measured by your productivity. So I'd like to invite you to unlearn busyness as a status symbol.
Okay, the next one I want you to open up to unlearning is the fear of saying no. Many of us feel obligated to say yes to everything. We are fearing that we're going to let someone down, or again, we are from our childhood thinking about that's the nice thing to do, that's the kind thing to do, that we want to be able to be super helpful. Setting boundaries over our, our time and our energy.
will require us to say no. It's not only healthy for us, it is necessary. [00:18:00] If you are a yes person, I want you to know that you're actually already saying no, because whenever we say yes to something by by the laws of how it all works, you are actually saying no to something.
So if you are saying yes to taking on another volunteer position, you are then going to be saying no to something like, I don't know, working out as many times as you want or feeling calm and rested for the evening, the hard evening of dinner and putting the kids down and the bedtime routine and all of that. So we're always already saying no.
I'm talking about you unlearning that fear of when you really truthfully want to say no to something, but you don't because you're worried about how that other person might feel or what [00:19:00] they would think about you. So the next time you're asked to commit to something, just consider whether it aligns with yourself, whether it aligns with your current family needs and what's going on.
But most of all, does this align with your desire of how you want to use your energy? And time, precious time. It is so okay to prioritize what is best for you and your family. In fact, I highly recommend it, but somewhere along the line or early on, we learned that we. We're responsible for other people's feelings, and we're not.
When you say no to something, you are following your truth. You are being honest. And yeah, it might feel a little scary to do that, but [00:20:00] I want you to unlearn that fear. But what we learned in childhood has us focusing on And thinking we have more power for how other people feel when in truth, our just saying no to something, if the other person doesn't like it, or if they feel let down by it, it's coming from what they're choosing to think about your no.
And you really can't control it, control it one way or the other. So because of that reason, I would like to invite you to put it back on yourself to be like, I, if I focus. On what it is that I want to say no to or say yes to it works both ways and not to let the fear stop me, then you will be living a more authentic, genuine life and you will be releasing the other person to take responsibility for their own life [00:21:00] mental and emotional life too.
Okay. I touched on this early, really, really quick when I mentioned what I shift my focus to, but I want to bring this as one of the main things that I want you to unlearn. And that is to unlearn immediate gratification. We live in a world of instant everything, which can make patience a challenging virtue.
But I want you to cultivate this patient and try implementing something that requires you to wait or to do something hard and difficult, like on purpose. Because what this does is this will build up for you that resilience that you can do hard things. [00:22:00] And the exhilaration from doing the hard thing or working hard or not giving up and putting your full like attention to a goal and sticking to it and somewhere along the line, and I know that this one's tough because we have so much immediate gratification things available.
I mean, we have Instacart and we can have something delivered from Amazon instantly. And if you are lacking something to eat or if you've, you know, got a pain, you can go down to the local Walgreens or, CVS or pharmacy, and you can instantly get something to help us feel better. And what this has done is this has taught our, ourselves to go to that, that dopamine hit that comes, [00:23:00] or it's teaching us that.
Feeling bad is something that we don't want to have or do, and to the contrary of what I teach here, feeling bad is actually something that you can't escape, will be part of this earthly life, and if you keep immediately gratifying yourself when you have a desire, then you won't ever build the skill of being able to feel and handle negative and hard emotions.
So I'm inviting you to practice that. I mean, I'm inviting you to unlearn immediate gratification and actually build that in to your life. To cultivate some waiting, some delay, some patience. When we're a child, this is where the tantrums come in, right? And a lot of times [00:24:00] that the child will quote, win, right?
It throws a tantrum. It wants the cookies. And then we just want that awful, like, kind of uneasy feeling about our child throwing a tantrum in public so that we can, we want to give them something so that we can make them stop so that we will feel better. So we learn this as a child, right? This is what we do is we learn what those boundaries are to push or what our parents will give in or won't give in.
But now as an adult, I want you to, to see waiting as a good thing. What will you learn? What will you gain? What are you strengthening when you delay gratification?
Okay. So just to recap, the five things to unlearn from your childhood, and then I'll add, which will give you [00:25:00] more joy, more peace, and more balance in your life, is to unlearn perfectionism. Unlearn comparison. Unlearn busyness as a status symbol, unlearn the fear of saying no, and unlearn immediate gratification. I have unlearned all five of these things.
Now they creep in every once in a while, but for the majority, I can tell you that these are no longer things that challenge me or are an issue and believe me, especially number one, perfectionism, that is what ran me into the ground, which then ultimately had me seeking a new way, which that way turned out to be.
Thank you God for bringing this to my life. It was a [00:26:00] coach and life coaching, and that has. just brought so much more joy and satisfaction to my life, but it took me unlearning it. So out of these five, if you hear this today and are thinking, yes, I have one, two, or maybe all five of these that I struggle with.
I want to invite you to come talk to me about it because there is a process. There is a method. There is a way to be able to unlearn these really tight belief systems that you might be carrying around from your childhood, and it's just an offer that you don't have to try and figure it out on your own, go it alone, or it's, it's, it's hard.
It's challenging. And so having someone there to support you and guide you along the way could just be exactly what you've been looking for. All right, everyone, that is [00:27:00] today's episode. I thank you so much for being here. If you found this helpful, the best thing you could do is to share this with another mom that may be interested.
And for that, I'm so grateful. And I'm so grateful to have you here and I'm looking forward to being back with you again next week with another episode So until then peace be with you always.
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And if you're of the Catholic faith like me or any Christian mom seeking to feel better in any area of your life and to show up more calm, connected and confident, I can help. Become an empowered mom who knows how to bring about the changes you desire, no matter the [00:28:00] circumstances.
Whether you need one-on-one guidance to get there, prefer a group coaching program with like-minded women or a self-study course I've got you covered. Explore my private one-on-one packages. Join my Busy to Balanced group life coaching program or delve into my signature course. Divine Time. To find out which path is right for you, let's meet and see what's the best fit.
Schedule a free call with me at daniellethienel.Com or send me a direct message on Facebook or Instagram @daniellethienelcoaching. And also don't forget to get your copy of my book, The Cyclone Mom Method, How To Call On Your God-Give Power To Remain Calm, In Control, and Confident as a Busy Mom. Dive into the digital and bonus audio version.
When you go to book.daniellethienel.com/new-book, you'll find all the details in the show notes too. [00:29:00] Until next time, peace be with you.
