Episode 289 Transcript
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[00:00:00] You are listening to episode 289 of the Peaceful Mind Podcast.
Welcome to the Peaceful Mind Podcast, a place for creating the peace of mind you need to be the best mom you are created by God to be. If you want to bring more balance, more joy, and more peace to your motherhood, this is the place for you. I'm your host, certified life coach at Catholic Mom Danielle Thienel.
In the name of the father of the Son and of the Holy Spirit. Let's get started.
Hello everyone. Welcome back to the podcast. Before we start, I'm just gonna give a little reminder, I have five books available for you in different formats. Some of them are paperback only. Some of them have a digital version. Some have [00:01:00] the kind of ebook, if you have a Kindle. And when you buy the digital version, you also get an audio book version with some of them, not all.
But just check out the show notes because I have written books that addressed the main needs that moms have exuded over the years as being like. The main thing that they wanted help on that I chose to have these books address the first one, the Cyclone Mom Method.
It is the, my overall process of what you want to be able to learn, follow and use as a roadmap in order to become the mom who, no matter what comes up in your life, you always know how to remain calm in control and confident. And so that's my signature book: the [00:02:00] Cyclone Mom Method. Next, I have one that just focus all on the fifth step of the Cyclone Mom Method, which is to take back control of your time, and that is called the Divine Time Solution.
I also in regards to that have heard over the years about how moms want to be able to find time, more time to connect with the Lord and their spiritual. And I don't believe that part of your life has to be huge and in your mind take up a lot of time. So I have created the Happy, healthy and Holy 365 Day Devotional.
That is also a book that is available to you. I also have the Peaceful Mind Bible. I love this book. I just, yeah, I think it's just such an easy thing to have out and to remind you to connect. And it's full of, actually from this podcast, the first 100 episodes, they [00:03:00] are just whittled down into these small bite-size chapters that just really hit to the heart of the theme of all that I offered in the first 100 episodes of this podcast. And that book's called The Peaceful Mind Bible for Busy Moms.
And then we have the most recent one, Divine Abundance. This is literally to help those who struggle with the mindset of lack and scarcity so that you can step more and around right around the subject of money, and for you to be able to open yourself up to the prosperity and abundance that is. There for the taking and all around you. So that book, Divine Abundance is also available.
Is that all five? The Cyclone Mom Method, the Peaceful Mind Bible for Busy Moms, the Divine Time Solution, The Happy, Healthy and Holy Devotional, [00:04:00] and Divine Abundance. So for those listeners who are new, I just want you to know that those resources are available to you. And please check out the show notes for links to be able to connect to with getting either paperback versions or digital versions, however they come. I will have it offered there.
Okay, now for today's episode. How to have a softer way of life. I know this is gonna resonate so much with a lot of you because this is something I wanted so desperately. If you like me, felt like you were just always just like tough and nagging and sharp and, angry and stressed, and it was just like pushed through and it every day, hustle, grind can't stop. Have all these things to do, all these responsibilities. If this resonates with you at [00:05:00] all, I hope today's episode is just gonna hit right to the heart of that because I do believe you will have more peace of mind in your life, in your world if you decide on purpose with intention to have a softer way of life.
Because in our culture, there's this unspoken expectation. That strong mothers or like we're always on the go. And that we should never have an emotional breakdown or that we should tough it out no matter what. Like the messages can be clear, right?
In order to be a good mom, this is what we're doing. We're going hard at life. We might have a connotation about being like super strong that we don't crack under pressure and we certainly don't need rest or more gentleness in our life. But what if [00:06:00] I told you that there is for sure another way?
That there is a softer approach to life and motherhood in general that would be way more sustainable for you. It's gonna be healthier for you, for sure. It's gonna bring you more peace and more joy to. Everyone, not just you in your family. So let's talk about how to have a softer way of life, what it means, what it doesn't mean.
How to start implementing today immediately, right? So you can stop being so hard on yourself and everyone around you. I wanna start by just talking exactly what am I talking about? What does it actually look like when I'm inviting you to open up to a softer way of life?
And this is what I want you to break down into these are the categories that I think where we could definitely bring some more gentleness and softness. First, [00:07:00] I'm starting with yourself, softer with yourself, and what that means is to choose self-compassion instead of self-criticism. So like when you make a mistake, instead of berating yourself mentally, you speak to yourself the way you'd speak to a good friend who is struggling.
You would remind yourself of how would Jesus be speaking to you? You wanna speak to yourself that same way. Having a softer way of life looks like having softer responses. This means pausing instead of reacting. When your child does something that triggers you instead of immediately snapping or yelling, this would be that you are somebody who on the regular takes a breath and decides to respond from a calmer place.
The softer way of life looks like you having softer expectations. [00:08:00] This will mean that we focus on progress over perfection, which is a theme that will always bring you more peace of mind. This is where I ask you to grab the tool of celebrating wins. You celebrate the small wins instead of only noticing what's not done yet.
And this brings a softness to your expectations. I'm inviting you today to open up to softer communication, and this means prioritizing connection over control. Definitely the control part leads to the harder way of life, and softer is when you are looking for more connection. Meaning you aim to understand others before needing to be understood yourself.
You speak like to build a bridge between you and your spouse and your [00:09:00] children and those around you, instead of communicating in a way that tears them down, right? Like the tear down part is the harder mom, and we're looking to be a softer way of life. The last two things that I've broken it down is I want you to lean into having a softer heart.
What this means is that we would be offering more forgiveness. That's for yourself and others. Definitely more understanding of other people's feelings. Like going into a curious mindset about why they're doing what they're doing or how they're feeling, right? Instead of believing they should change, and this is for their behaviors.
This is for other people's views, and when you have a softer heart, you'll just give people the benefit of the doubt a little bit more often. Is that something that kind of resonates when you hear me say that? Maybe you could start doing that a little bit more. If so, that will lead [00:10:00] you to a softer way of life.
You recognize with a softer heart that everyone is doing the best they can with what they have or what they know in any given moment. In the last kind of category, I would like you to have a softer future focus. What this means is I need less emphasis on future worries and more presence about what's going on in your life in the now.
So instead of constantly planning and anxiously like thinking ahead, you would allow yourself to be here in this moment. What's going on just today? How do you wanna show up today? Just with actually what's happening right now. So softer with yourself, softer responses, softer expectations, softer communication, a softer heart and a softer future focus.
This is what [00:11:00] I'm offering today of what a softer way actually looks like. So let me now introduce what having a softer way of life doesn't mean. Okay. In case some of you go to these definitions of being softer, I want to bring it up so you're like, this is not what I mean to bring you peace of mind.
So I know some of you're already thinking, but I can't be soft. I have responsibilities. I want you to know that being softer doesn't mean being weak doesn't mean being lazy or permissive. It doesn't mean something is wrong or bad about you. If you choose gentleness, it doesn't mean avoiding your responsibilities or letting your personal standards drop to a level that doesn't serve you or your family.
That's not what I mean at all. And it definitely doesn't mean being a pushover or a people pleaser. [00:12:00] Because here's the difference, a people pleaser says yes to everything. They're afraid of conflict or disappointing others. A soft person says yes or no from a place of love and wisdom, and just from this really grounded, anchored knowing, right?
And they deliver their answer with kindness rather than harshness. A pushover would be someone who lets people like walk all over them because they don't believe they deserve what it is like deserve of that kind of respect. But a soft person respects themselves enough and they have respect for others, so they don't.
Need to use hardness as their tool for getting that respect. I know we can think about that when I'm just really thinking about how harsh and hard I would be with the kids just to get them to listen. Like to, I would say like when they don't do that, they're being so disrespectful and so my [00:13:00] hardness would come out just wanting them to what I thought to act respectful.
So when I talk about being a hard mom or a hard person, I just mean someone like who uses force rigidity and harshness as their default way of operating. You guys we're not gonna be able to be softer, this softer way of life all the time. Again, not looking for perfection here. Someone who believes that if they're not constantly pushing or controlling and being tough, that everything will fall apart.
This is actually who I'm talking to. I wanna offer that actually what it is, those end results that you're looking to have and experience and to be, I think they will more, you'll more often will achieve them, if you decide to adopt this softer way of life that I'm offering here today. So let's talk about where hardness does show up in our motherhood, [00:14:00] right?
Let me paint a little picture of where it typically shows up, because I want you to start recognizing it in your own life. Remember, we're always looking to recognize, become more aware. Just really shine a light on things that in our life that we not might not have seen in this way before. So how it shows up is how hardness shows up, is it's that inner critic that just never stops chirping, right?
The voice that says you should be doing more, you should be being more, you should have it all figured out by now. Okay? Hardness shows up in our rigid schedules and the expectations for that. Schedule or our plans, it leaves no room for life to be messy and unpredictable. I just coached someone recently where they, we were really, she was shying away and just [00:15:00] resisting unpredictability.
She wanted to predict everything because she felt like it'd be better. But when that happens, we do set ourselves up for disappointment. So hardness shows up in our hard reactions that we have to mistakes both. Both our mistakes, both your mistakes and your children's. Every error becomes evidence of like failure instead of seeing it as an opportunity to learn.
Definitely hardness shows up when we choose all or nothing thinking. Either you're a good mom or a bad mom, or either your kids are behaving or they're being terrible, or either your house is clean or it's a disaster. That whole like absolute and dichotomy like of opposite ends of the spectrum, this will keep you in the hardness.
Hardness shows up when you push through exhaustion instead of resting. Because rest feels like [00:16:00] it's lazy or it's a weakness. This is something your mind will choose. And lastly, I want you to see that hardness shows up when you see defeat every time you don't get everything done on your to-do list.
Because instead of celebrating what you did accomplish, life feels hard and we become a little bit more hard every time we go support that evidence that we didn't, do it enough. Okay, so let me offer you some just like a little practical ways that you could you could start to begin this more open and willingness to soften in your life.
How do we actually soften? That's the question. So here's some concrete ways to start. First, we wanna soften that internal dialogue and the way that would sound like is, instead of, I should know how to handle this by now, we could try, I'm learning how to handle [00:17:00] this right now. Instead of, I'm such a mess, try, I will figure this out as I go.
I would like you to soften your daily rhythms. How can we build margin and flexibility into your schedule? Every time I talk about flexibility, my mind goes to my parents, where my father was just so flexible and I loved that about him. I loved that calm. Like he just was, yeah, go with the flow.
Okay, now what? Now this is what we're gonna do. And then my mom, it was just when plans fell through or something unexpected, the rigidity of no, this is the way it was supposed to happen. Just I just, the sense of hardness there. Okay, so let's soften your daily rhythms. How can you allow extra time for transitions?
How can we plan for things taking longer [00:18:00] than you think they will? I really want everyone to make note of that. We're like, oh, I can get this done in 15 minutes and stuff. Why don't we just give ourselves 30 minutes? And that they'll take longer. Give yourself that margin and flexibility.
Give yourself permission to adjust plans when life happens. Some practical ways to soften your parenting approach. This is where we wanna choose guidance over punishment when possible. I know our brain just wants to come in and say, that was wrong. You gotta learn from this. You wanna stop it.
You can't do it anymore. This would be terrible. But ask yourself, what is my child trying to tell me with this behavior? Instead of immediately jumping to consequences, collaborate with your child instead of always being like a, the dictator. This is where the harshness comes from.
I know I got tired of that and I know some of you are [00:19:00] too. It is what we've been in the pattern of doing. So breaking that pattern isn't always easy, but if you make intentionally getting softer a goal of yours, you will be able to progress. I would love for you all to soften your self care, right?
Give yourself permission to rest without having to earn it first. You don't have to complete your to-do list to deserve a break. In fact, you'll most likely get more done on that list. If you do give yourself a break, right? You don't have to be productive every moment to be worthy of gentleness.
There's just so much we miss when we're just going. There's so much to be seen when we just stop and look around and just slide into that gentleness of life. And some practical ways to soften is to soften your problem solving. Approach challenges and problems with [00:20:00] curiosity instead of judgment instead of, why does this always happen?
Try, what can I learn from this instead of, this is terrible. Try. Yeah, this is hard and I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I can handle hard things. And everything that I'm sharing with you, I'm sharing because there, I think that there is way more benefits to going about with a softness and gentleness than the hard mom.
You might all be thinking, oh, that sounds nice, right? But what if being soft, like I just stop like achieving what I want, or I'm just less effective overall. And I wanna tell you what actually happens when you choose softness. You'll get more peace in your home when you are not constantly operating from a place of [00:21:00] stress and force.
Your family feels safer and more relaxed. I just think about my past self who was just always operating from stress and overwhelm and just those vibes that I gave off in my house. When you choose a softer way of life, you will build better relationships with your children. You will, because kids will respond to softness with more openness, they're more likely to come to you with problems, more likely to listen to your guidance, more likely to model the gentleness that you showing up with.
You will develop an increased emotional resilience because you're not constantly fighting against life. You have, you're like allowing the negative that is happening. You're processing it through. You're not resisting thinking like it's bad, if you're disappointed or sad, right? And when we're not [00:22:00] constantly fighting that those kind of negative emotions should be here.
You're gonna build a resilience. You're gonna have more energy to actually handle the real life challenges that come up. You're gonna start modeling, like I mentioned like you be, you get to show them, you're gonna start modeling more what like that healthy responses are, and your children, they'll learn that it is possible to be strong and gentle.
That's what you wanna prove to yourself with this new way, right? Emotions don't have to be scary. Problems don't have to be scary. They can be solved without the drama. Like drama is part of the hardness of life and just healthy, emotional regulation. That is where the softer life comes from. And most importantly, it is just most, it's more sustainable way of living long term.[00:23:00]
I know, like I said earlier in the episode, I know a lot of you moms are tired. You're tired of being angry, you're tired of being firm or rough all the time. And because that approach is super exhausting. Yeah. And it's literally not sustainable for years and years of parenting. I know. Mine wasn't mine ran me into the sick bed.
So let's just start simple. Let's just pick one area where you wanna practice having more softness. Maybe it's softness in how you carry out your morning routine. Maybe it's how you respond when your kids are arguing. Maybe you wanna be more soft, how you talk to yourself when you make a mistake.
Let's start asking yourself these questions. When you notice that hardness creeping in, can you ask yourself? How can I approach this with more gentleness? What would love look like in this situation? [00:24:00] If I'm trying to control something that's not mine to control? What could, what part of it is in my control?
What am I afraid will happen if I'm soft in here? And then once that kind of bubbles up, just be like, but can there be one step? I can move through it today. Just practice catching yourself in these hard moments. Even if all you do is okay, here I am, I'm here.
Notice when you're gripping tightly to how things should go, that the whole expectations and plans, and notice when you're speaking harshly to yourself or others. Notice when you're pushing rather, where you could then be more flowing and as always. Like you, if you discovered more than one area today, like we don't always have to change everything at once, and it doesn't have to just be this big swooping change.
Just start with awareness, then make a small adjustments towards [00:25:00] gentleness and hopefully I've offered you a couple things to try. And here's what I really want you to understand. Again, it's not weakness that we're after here. Softness is a form of strength. Our world desperately needs more of, the person who can stay and remain calm in disaster, right?
That's who we wanna look towards for our leader. Your family needs your softness. Okay, mamas? Your family needs your softness way more than it needs your hardness. And again, there will be both in there. It makes up that 50 50 of this human life. But your family need to see that your strength can be gentle, that love is firm without being harsh.
That peace is possible even in the middle of chaos. And when you choose softness, you're not just changing your own experience, you are gonna have a ripple effect [00:26:00] that will touch everyone around you. All right, beautiful friends, as always, I hope this episode gave you permission to do something that your heart has called you to change or be or to experience.
I want you to have, I've given you permission to choose gentleness over harshness. The more the world might tell us. That something different that we need to push through and go. But really we wanna raise children who know they're loved to feel safe to be themselves. And I want you to help show them that gentleness and strength can co-exist.
So just practice one area of your life this week. Notice how it feels. Notice how your family responds. Notice the peace that starts to grow in your heart when you stop fighting so hard against life. And any [00:27:00] circumstance that you're facing right now come from this softer approach, right? You do not have to be tough to be effective, soft, gentleness, peaceful. You can still be an incredible mom, and I just, I thank you. I thank you for spending this time with me today, and I really sincerely hope that it helps and brings more peace to your life. Okay. I know that when we show up, I am always asking you to be willing to consider a different way of thinking a different perspective to your life.
And, and as always, I am so grateful to anyone and all of you for being here open, willing to hear me, and also to share the messages here. Maybe let's not think that they were just meant for you. Like you can be [00:28:00] a collaborator in the message to give more moms out there who are suffering and down on themselves today, maybe for being too hard.
And this would be a really cool message for you to send and, and that we all can help more moms together. Alright everyone, that's what I have for you today. I will see you again next week and until then, may peace be with you always.
Thank you so much for tuning in to today's episode of the Peaceful Mind Podcast. If you found value in today's episode, I'd be so grateful if you could subscribe and leave a review. It not only supports the podcast, but ensures you don't miss out on future episodes packed with insights and tools to create peace of mind in your busy mom life.
And if you're of the Catholic faith, like me or any Christian mom seeking to feel better in any area of your life and to show up more calm, connected, and confident, [00:29:00] I can help become an empowered mom who knows how to bring about the changes you desire, no matter the circumstances.
Whether you need one-on-one guidance to get there, prefer a group coaching program with like-minded women or a self-study course I've got you covered. Explore my private one-on-one packages. Join my Busy to Balanced group life coaching program or delve into my signature course Divine Time.
To find out which path is right for you let's meet and see what's the best fit. Schedule a free call with me at daniellethienel.com or send me a direct message on Facebook or Instagram @daniellethienelcoaching. And also don't forget to get your copy of my book, the Cyclone Mom Method, How To Call On Your God-Given Power To Remain Calm, In Control, and Confident As A Busy Mom.
Dive into the digital and bonus audio version when you go to [00:30:00] book.daniellethienel.com/new-book. You'll find all the details in the show notes too. Until next time. Peace be with you always.
