Episode 346- 7 Things I Know For Sure After 7 Years of Coaching
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[00:00:00] You are listening to episode 346 of the Peaceful Mind Podcast. Welcome to the Peaceful Mind Podcast, a place where you can move out of overwhelm and into a calm, confident motherhood with God at the center. I'm Danielle Thienel, certified life coach, Catholic mom, and creator of the Cyclone Mom Method. I help you create emotional steadiness and peace of mind from the inside out, so you can experience more balance and more joy in your busy mom life.
In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit, let's get started.
Hello, beautiful mamas, and welcome back to the podcast. I'm gonna start out today, I'm gonna propose a question, and I want you to let yourself answer it. I'm gonna give a little pause afterwards for you to contemplate. Okay? But first let me set it up. I want you to picture that you [00:01:00] are literally right now sitting across from someone, and that someone has watched hundreds of moms go through exactly what you are going through in your life right now.
Okay? And then this person across from you, you're gonna ask her this question. The question is: What do you know for sure? Now, what would you actually want her to say to you? What would you want her reply to be? Okay? So again, there's a person across from you who has so much experience with what is going on in your life today, and you have this chance to say, "Tell me what you actually know for sure."
There's something in your heart right now that you would hope that she says back or hope that [00:02:00] she answers you with. That is what today's episode is about, okay? Because I have been coaching moms for seven years now, seven years of real conversations with real women who love their kids and at the same st- at the same time still feel like some days they're totally drowning, right?
And in this span of time of working in this concentrated type of person, of busy, overwhelmed, but faith-filled moms, in that time, some things have really become very loud to me and definitely clear to me. So what I wanna offer you today isn't theories. It's not something I just read in a book. They're things that I have watched be absolutely true over and over again in the lives of the women that I work with, [00:03:00] and today I'm distilling and giving you seven of those things, seven things I know after seven years of coaching women, of coaching moms.
And some of these, they might land to you when you hear them like a total, like, relief, and some that you hear, they might actually sting you a little in that way that usually means "Oh, yeah, this is true." But either way, my hope as I set out to give you this episode and as you finish this episode, I really hope that it allows you to...
like, how I envision you standing a little taller or that your breathing is a little easier for you today. Because from listening, you now know that there are answers and help and support for all that [00:04:00] you are currently feeling and all you're... what you're currently dealing with in your big, beautiful, messy life.
Okay, so let's just dive in. This is what I want you to know, and we're gonna be starting with number one, and that is nothing has gone wrong. This is the first thing I want you to hear, and it might be the most important one on my whole list. When you are overwhelmed, when you feel behind, when you snapped at your kids again, and you are lying in bed at night, and wh- when you're lying there, you're, like, running through this highlight reel of everything that you did wrong, right?
Your brain has one story that is right there ready to go for you, and that story is something is wrong with me. [00:05:00] I hear it constantly. I hear my clients say, "I don't know why I can't get it together. Everyone else seems to handle this just fine. I should be better at this by now." These are the phrases that also this-- the past version of me who was stuck also and overwhelmed and exhausted and cranky, I would repeat those same things on the regular And here is what seven years has taught me, and that is that the overwhelm is not evidence that you are failing.
It is evidence that you are just a human being who happens to be carrying an enormous amount. When we feel behind, it is not proof that we are behind. It's literally just a feeling, and feelings are not the facts. [00:06:00] They're definitely not the facts about our self-worth, which many of us tie when we think we're broken and failing and not doing well.
We definitely make that mean, "Oh, I'm not worthy, worthless." But you are not broken. You are not the problem. What you are is a mom doing one of the hardest jobs there is, and having a hard time with a hard thing is actually not a personal character flaw. So when you stop treating your challenges and your struggles as proof that you're doing things wrong, you will then free up so much energy that used to go straight into beating yourself up, right?
Now we have this, this little extra energy, and then you get to put that energy toward actually helping yourself [00:07:00] instead. So nothing has gone wrong, Mama. Let that be the-- what grounds you today. Now, number two What I've learned in these seven years is that your circumstances are not the reason you feel the way you feel.
This is so huge, and if you're been a long time listeners, it's also g- not gonna be new. And that's what it is. It just trying to have me say it in a different way, okay? But this one is... it's a bigger general idea, so stay with me here. Because if you really hear it and really understand it, it will...
It changes everything for the better once you really get it. So most of [00:08:00] us we are walking around on this earth believing that our feelings are caused by what is happening around us, outside of us. The messy kitchen, we will say makes us feel defeated. Or we will have... look at what our kids' attitudes are, and we will say that's the reason why we're angry.
We will say that our husbands aren't helping, and that makes us resentful. And it feels so true, and it feels so obvious. Of course, that is what is happening. But it's not the whole truth, because what actually creates your feeling is not the circumstance. It's actually what f- what creates the feeling is the thought we are having about the circumstance.
Because your kitchen [00:09:00] is just a kitchen, and it is a thought we are choosing to have when we think, "I can never keep up. I'm the only one who cares around here." And it's when we choose thoughts like that, that's actually what creates the defeat, not the kitchen, but the thoughts, "I can never keep up, and I'm the only one who cares around here," that is what's creating the feeling of defeat.
And I know when I first say that, it can sound like I'm blaming you for you creating these bad feelings, but I am not. Hear me. What I'm offering here on the podcast is the opposite of blame. I'm literally offering peace of mind and more control over your life in a, like a confident way. I'm looking to add more empowerment to your [00:10:00] lives, so definitely the opposite of blame.
And because if your circumstances truly created your feelings, then you would be stuck waiting for those circumstances, everyone and everything around you, to actually change before you could feel better, right? And you already know how that goes, right? You will be waiting for a long time because sometimes other people, they never change, and sometimes everything around you is what the facts are of your life.
And I want you to feel better, right? But if your thoughts are in the mix here, then it's actually really good news because then there is a place where you have some power over, right? Not the power like when we talk about being empowered and having more control of your life, like not power and control [00:11:00] manipulation, like not that kind of control over your kids and your husband or your calendar.
But when I talk about the power, I'm talking about the power for you to notice what you're thinking notice what you're thinking, to gently ask yourself whether it is even true, and to choose a thought that will then serve you better and help you And that is not like positive thinking in like this overly positive, toxic Pollyanna way, and it's not pretending.
What I want you to see, it's self-leadership when you notice what you're thinking and ask yourself if it's even true and choose a thought that's b- that will better serve you. That's self-leadership, [00:12:00] and it is available to you in any moment, no matter how loud the house is. And here's an example of what it would look like on a real Thursday.
Let's say your kids melt down in the middle of the grocery store, and that old track plays automatically. "Everyone is looking at me. I'm a terrible at this. I can't even take my child to the store." And you feel that heat rise in your body, but now you catch it. You notice the thought, and you ask yourself, "Is that actually true, or is this just a story I'm always telling myself when this happens?"
And maybe you will just land somewhere else. Maybe just have a little bit... feel a little bit steadier there in that grocery store. Maybe you're thinking, "This is a hard moment. Hard mo- hard moments are not proof I'm failing." Like same store, same type of meltdown that you're used to, [00:13:00] but you can become a completely different mom and feel differently about the situation because the thought changed, and that's the work, and you can start practicing that today.
So number two, your circumstances are not the reason you feel the way you feel. The third item of what I know for sure after seven years of coaching is that you can be a wonderful mom and still not enjoy every part of motherhood, and the caveat to that is to say, "And that does not make you ungrateful." I personally, myself, think of the season when my children were, I would just say like middle school aged, and this was a height where every...
all three of them were [00:14:00] in, let's just say three or maybe even four activities. And this would, I would say would have been the least time I was really thinking about like any kind of self-care for myself, but just in the throes of staying on top of the household responsibilities. I believe that I was working outside of the home at this time and part-time, and then it was all that you needed to, be attentive for regarding their schoolwork, but then the extracurricular with some travel sports, and clubs, and just practices and, lessons and things like that.
And I can remember just being frazzled and exhausted and a little maybe resentful or feeling ra- definitely like [00:15:00] behind and watching where I was like dropping balls or this is where I was more definitely more cranky or inten- intended to not be able to stay... wanted to, but not able to stay calm.
I think of this as a little like block era within my motherhood And I just wanted to say personally, this was where I might not have seen myself as a wonderful mom, but in that retrospect now, I can look back and say, "Yeah, I didn't really enjoy that actual, like, season." However, when I think about how I showed up and what was driving me to want to say yes to those activities and to get them to practice and to be at their games and things like that and watching them grow in activities of lessons and stuff, I can see wow, you were being a wonderful mom.
I probably didn't think about that myself, but I [00:16:00] can see it now. And so I'm hoping to remind you, if you're someone in a season that you don't actually enjoy very much, I still want to be able to say that you are a wonderful mom. Because I have watched so many women carry this quiet shame.
They think that because you prayed for these children, because you can see, you literally know how blessed you are And you're not-- You put this on yourself to say you're, like, not allowed to find any of it hard. And what I see with the women who carry this quiet shame they stack then guilt right on top of being exhausted.
And guilt is heavy, and it does not make you more of a grateful mom when we are guilty. It just makes us really a more tired one. Definitely adds that [00:17:00] mental and emotional exhaustion on top of the physical exhaustion. But here is what is true, okay? Here is what I'm here to offer you today, what I know for sure, is that you can adore your children and be worn out by the day.
And I know that you can be deeply grateful for your life and still wish that some parts of it were different. Two things can be true at the same time. Having gratitude and having it be hard, right? Having love and then also being tired. It's not a contradiction. That is actually what makes up motherhood.
You do not have to enjoy every single moment to be a good mom. Do you hear me? You are allowed to name the parts that are hard, you can even say it out loud, without attaching a meaning that is anything different from, [00:18:00] "I love my kids so much." Okay? In fact, the moms who give themselves permission to just be honest about the hard parts are usually the ones who end up enjoying the good parts even more because we're not spending all of our energy pretending that everything is fine and great.
Okay, so number three, you can be a wonderful mom and still not enjoy every part of motherhood. And this is following, just to repeat, I'm just keep this what I know for sure, okay. Number one is nothing has gone wrong, okay? This is where there's nothing wrong with our... you, and that is what we want to remember.
Number two, your circumstances are not the reason you feel the way you feel Number three, you can be a wonderful mom and still not enjoy every part of motherhood. Okay, let's move on to number [00:19:00] four, what I know for sure after coaching moms for seven years. Small and repeatable beats big and dramatic every time.
And if there is just one thing I wish that I could hand over to every overwhelmed mom, this is it. You do not need an overhaul of your life. You need just one thing you can actually keep doing. I cannot tell you how many moms just want to I'm done. Let's just blow it all up, right? Maybe I need a whole new system.
I need a whole new routine. I need to wake up at 5 a.m. now. I need to meal prep for the entire month. Just become a completely different person by Monday. Like, when I hear it, I understand it. When you are drowning big and dramatic feels like it's the [00:20:00] only thing that is strong enough to save you. But when we make those big overhauls or try to or big changes or just upheaval of everything, it almost never lasts.
What I have come to know is that what lasts is small. Small and consistent. Ten minutes of quiet with your coffee before the house wakes up. One breath before you respond to the attitude. One thing to let go from your to-do list each day. I know it sounds too simple to matter, but that's exactly why it works.
Because our brains love simple. It loves easy. And so when it's simple and easy, you will actually do them. And if you pick [00:21:00] those-- if you do the small things and you do it repeatedly, right? You do it tomorrow and the next day and the day after that, that's why it's so effective, right? So again, small and repeatable beats anything big and dramatic every single time.
Because peace is never built in one weekend. It is built in these tiny, ordinary, repeatable choices that will quietly add up. So please stop waiting for the big fix to arrive in your life. Just today, pick the small thing, 'cause the small thing is the whole thing. What is one small thing you could do today, so small it almost feels silly to count, that you know would help you feel just a little bit more like yourself, a little bit [00:22:00] more refreshed?
Again, not the, the whole overhaul, just the one thing. That's where you wanna start, and then let yourself be proud of doing the one thing. Because doing the hard-- or doing the small thing on all of those hard days, that's not small at all. It's amazing Okay, let's move on to step five. Or not the step. I wanted to tell you today seven things I know for sure after coaching women for seven years, and the number five thing I want you to know is you are allowed to matter.
You are allowed to matter, too. Somewhere along the way, many of you have picked up the belief that being a good mom means that you are not at the forefront, [00:23:00] that your needs go to the very bottom of the list, that if there is anything left over at the end of the day, maybe you can then have a little.
Except there is never anything left over or never will be if you keep waiting for leftovers. And I wanna be real clear about what I'm actually talking about here. It is having to do with filling yourself up, putting attention to yourself, getting the self-care on the regular. And no, it's not about spa days, and it's not really about needing more alone time, though all of tho- both of those things are lovely.
They are. But I'm in this instance meaning a little bit deeper than that. You are a person, Mama. You're a human. You are not just the manager of everyone else's needs. Now, I am all [00:24:00] for attending to our family's needs and our children's needs. That, that goes without saying. I'm not saying this is one or the other.
Serving other people helping other people, loving, being kind, treating this is all showing up Christ-like, Jesus-like. I'm all for it, right? But not just being the one, the only, the solo who holds it all together because each human person with a heart and a body and a soul matters to God every bit, right?
And it's not like a hierarchy So when you take care of yourself, you are not taking something away from your family. You are-- what you're doing is you're refusing to run yourself into the ground. Your kids do not need a martyr of a mother. [00:25:00] They need a mom who is still a whole person, and that includes caring for yourself.
And when you let yourself matter, you are actually teaching them, you're teaching your children how a human being is meant to be treated
And starting with the one right in front of them, right? Which is you. So number five, you are allowed to matter too. Number six. Oh boy, this is a big one. I will say this is one of the hardest ones that I get to teach, and I teach it a lot, but it's also the one that will set you the most free And that is what I know for sure 100% is that you cannot [00:26:00] control other people But you are also not powerless against them.
Okay? So much of a mom's stress and overwhelm comes from trying to control things that you are never going to be able to control. Look, your child's moods, can't control them. Your teenager's choices, can't control them. Whether your husband loads the dishwasher the way that you would load it, can't control it.
We, notice I'm saying the word we, it's a good reminder for myself too, we pour enormous amounts of energy into trying to manage other people, and then we feel exhausted and we feel resentful when it doesn't work. And here's the message, it's never going to work. You can't think for another person. You can't feel the feelings for another person, [00:27:00] and you cannot make their choices.
Because what we only have control over is our own thoughts, our own feelings, our own actions. And by that definition, it tells you what we can never control. We can never control what another person thinks, how another person feels, or what another person does or doesn't do. And when moms first really hear that, it can feel like I'm delivering you bad news, right?
If I can't control them then I'm helpless. But actually, it's the exact opposite of helpless because there is one person you always get to lead, and that's yourself. Your response to things, your words, your presence, how you choose to show up in your life. That is not [00:28:00] a small thing. That is actually where every bit of your real influence lives, right?
That's what you want. See, you're not powerless. You can be influential, not controlling. So the calm that you bring to a situation, the steadiness your kids can feel from you even when everything around them may feel like chaos, right? You stop wasting energy on what you cannot control, and you put it where it truly counts, on the one life you've been given to lead, your life And here is a question that's worth sitting with.
Where are you spending your energy right now trying to change someone who is not yours to change? Ooh, I know some of you are like, "Why did I push play on this episode today?" But just stay with me because [00:29:00] this could be just everything that unlocks for you, right? Because the moment you gently set down, you set it down trying to control and manipulate other people, you are going to feel how much that you've been carrying that was never yours to carry in the first place Right?
And that energy that you were putting towards that, it just doesn't disappear. It actually will come back home to you. And then you can take that energy and finally create some good results that you want for yourself and your family. Okay, so number six was you cannot control the people you love or the people around you, but you are never powerless.
That is what I know for sure. All right, here we are at number seven. The seven things that I wanted to just impart and share with you that I've learned, that I know for sure after seven years of coaching women. [00:30:00] And number seven is God is not waiting for you to have it all together. And I literally saved this last one on purpose because underneath so much of the striving and the overwhelm, there is this quiet belief that a lot of us carry around without ever speaking about it, and that's the belief that we have to earn.
Earn it. Earn it like once we're calmer, once we're kinder, once we become more patient, once that we're more put together, then we will finally be worthy of rest, or we'll be worthy of God's grace, or we'll be worthy of being loved just as we are. But my friends, that is not how grace works. God is not standing off at a distance with His arms crossed, waiting for you to become a better version of yourself before He's gonna come close to you.[00:31:00]
He's already there. He's already beside you right now. No matter what's going on in your life, you could be in your messy kitchen, you could be in the middle of a hard day, you could be in the version of you that lost your patience an hour ago. You do not have to clean yourself up first. You are allowed to come exactly as you are When you really let that settle in, something in you can finally relax, finally exhale.
Because the truth is you are not doing this alone, and you were never meant to Christ is nearby. You are held right in the middle of the mess exactly as it's all gone down, exactly as you are today. [00:32:00] God is never waiting for you to have it all together So stop waiting yourself to be able to relax, rest, love, enjoy whatever it is that you're putting on hold when you think that you'll be able to do it once you have it together.
Okay, so that's the seven things. The seven things I know after seven years of coaching moms, and that is nothing has gone wrong. Your circumstances are not the reason you feel the way you feel. You can love being a mom and still find it hard Small and repeatable beats big and dramatic every time. You are allowed to matter.
You cannot control other people, but you are never powerless. And God is not waiting for you to have it all together. Now, [00:33:00] if you only concentrate or carry one of these with you today, let it be whichever one made you feel something as I said it, like maybe even a little called out, or you said, "That's me."
It's usually the one that your heart most needed to hear. And before I go, here's what I want you to know. These are not just nice ideas. These are the very things that start to shift when I sit down with a mom and really talk through what's going on for them. So if something in you perked up today, and you found yourself thinking, "I want that.
I wanna feel more like the steady, grounded version of me again," then I'm just giving you this invitation for you and I to speak. Okay. You will find all the links in the show notes for ways to connect with me [00:34:00] or to find out more resources that I have available for you. So go ahead and check those out.
Thank you so much for being here today, mama. Thank you for giving me this time. I hope you take one of the seven things and hold on to it all week and really let yourself stand a little bit more powerful and peaceful as you go through your days. All right, everyone. That's what I have for you. Until next week, may peace be with you always.
Thank you for listening to the Peaceful Mind podcast. If you've been feeling a quiet desire for more peace and steadiness in your motherhood, I invite you to take the next step of scheduling a free coaching consultation with me. We'll meet over Zoom to explore options and possibilities of how having a personal life coach and mentor could help you experience the exact motherhood and life your heart desires.
To talk through current options, schedule a free [00:35:00] coaching consultation today. You'll find the link to schedule in the show notes. It would be an honor to support you at any stage of your motherhood journey.
