Episode 349- 5 Things That Change When Your Kids Grow Up
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[00:00:00] You are listening to episode 349 of the Peaceful Mind Podcast. Welcome to the Peaceful Mind Podcast, a place where you can move out of overwhelm and into a calm, confident motherhood with God at the center. I'm Danielle Thienel, certified life coach, Catholic mom, and creator of the Cyclone Mom Method. I help you create emotional steadiness and peace of mind from the inside out so you can experience more balance and more joy in your busy mom life.
In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit, let's get started.
Hello. Welcome back to the podcast, beautiful mamas. I'm so glad you are here. The last couple episodes, I have hit moms who are in the thick of it. I have told you some things that I have really learned over my years as a [00:01:00] coach coaching moms, and I'm always trying to be mindful to know my audience.
I've never wanted to hone in on a specific stage of motherhood because I think that the principles, the s- the strategies, the, the values, the tools that I have can be used really in any aspect of this human life. But I-- they're definitely gonna be used as a parent, as a mother in all of the stages.
I have coached women who are-- that I would say, very young moms in their 20s, in their 30s. I have had moms in the teenage years, the middle school years, the college years. I have had clients who their kids are all grown, out of the house. [00:02:00] They're, they can even be a grandma. I have had clients, I currently do have clients that are in their 70s.
And this work, this this knowledge, this way of showing up in this earthly life The-- it, it just really helps in any stage. But I say all of this just to say that some of these episodes, not only are they targeted and talked to a certain mom in a certain stage, but also my whole breadth of work on this podcast.
Literally any human, right? It even can be a man, not just a woman, not just a mom, that will benefit from what we have, what is presented here. We all desire in our hearts peace of mind. And so today I wanna talk [00:03:00] to two moms at the very same time, right? And I have I have this great feeling that both of you are listening right now.
And I'm talking about the one who is just literally deep in it, and I touched on that in a previous episode, right? Who's in what I call the thick of it, right? Your kids are little, maybe you're somewhere just in the messy middle. Your days are just loud and full, and the idea of them being grown feels like about 100 years away.
And then there's the other one of you, the one who is standing on the other side of it, right? Kids are teenagers, maybe one foot already out the door or they're grown and gone, and your house sounds different than it used to. I have stepped in to that stage of motherhood. But I wanna speak to both of you today because I also can stop and [00:04:00] think and put myself right back into that messy middle.
And the reason why I wanna speak to both of you today is because what changes when your kids grow up is worth understanding, no matter which side that you happen to be standing on right now today. So if you are still in the thick of it, definitely listen to the previous episodes. This one is gonna give you some perspective and I hope a little relief and maybe even something forward, to look forward to.
And if your kids are already grown, this one is for you in a way that not many of the episodes are, because I'm right here on this side with you right now with my grown children, and there are things about this season that honestly nobody really talks to us about. So let me talk about the five things that will genuinely change for you when your kids grow up.[00:05:00]
And, I'm gonna be honest with you about every one of them because it's not all loss. There is some, and it's all not freedom either. Again the s- the concept of the 50/50 comes together in any stage of motherhood, right? It's definitely s- always somewhere around the 50/50. A little of both positive things in this stage and negative things in this stage.
And knowing that ahead of time will change everything about how you then walk through the stage you're in now and then when you get to the next one So the first one I want to point out for what changes when your kids grow up is to say what you worry about changes. But also at the [00:06:00] same time, because if you are longtime listeners, you know that worry is something that I want you to do way less of.
It be a tiny part of your humanness. And I w- so what I want you to know is whether you worry at all is still up to you. So when our kids are little, the things that tug at us are, like, right in front of you. They're, like, very physical. Is she breathing okay? Why won't he eat a single green thing?
Is the fever too high? Is she hitting her milestones? But when they grow up, when kids grow up, and the things that tug at you grow up alongside them, they're things like, is she in a relationship that is good for her? Is he actually going to his classes? Why has it been two weeks sin- since he called?
Is she happy out there? Is, are they still leaning on their [00:07:00] faith? So yes, the specific things that pull at our heart absolutely change as our kids get older. That part is just true. But here is what I want to gently challenge you on, because I coach on this all the time. So many of us walk around believing that worry is just simply part of the deal.
That a loving mom, one of the checkboxes is that a loving mom worries, and that we're just going to worry about our kids until the day we die. And I just wanna use this episode to push back on that, lovingly because it is not true. And believing it will keep you stuck, definitely keep you stuck in the negative 50/50.
I have taught [00:08:00] before that worry is what we would call an indulgent emotion. It dresses itself up as love, as being something that's responsible. If I just worry hard enough about him or her, then I am doing something that will protect them, will keep them safe But worry has never once changed a single outcome.
It does not break the fever or make the phone ring or steer our children's choices. All it actually does is rob us of our peace, and it pulls us right out of the life that is happening in front of us. But here's the good news, and it might be the opposite of what you would expect me to say that you are not destined to a lifetime of worry.
It's not like a character flaw. It's not something that's like part of your [00:09:00] chromosomes. You can start setting worry down today, and the skill is exactly the same whether your kids are two or 22 You notice the worry, you tell yourself the truth that it is not helping your child one bit, and then you choose to trust instead.
And to hand them, or the issue or the challenge, to God, who loves them even more than you do And if you're still in the thick of it and listening to this, learn this now, and you get your presence back at every stage that is still coming for you. And if your kids are already grown and you have been carrying worry about them because you believe that was just your job as their mom, then hear me today.
It was never your job, and it never once [00:10:00] helped them. But it's always about the future. It's always about the now, not about the past and what we can't change and the regwet- regrets. You are allowed to put the worry down starting right now. So the next time you catch yourself spinning, try asking this one honest question: Is worrying about this actually doing anything for my child right now, or is it just stealing my peace?
And then hand it over, and then get back to your life. All right. The second thing that changes when our kids grow up, or we have the ability to change, and that is for you to go from being the manager of our children to being the consultant. So I'm using business terms here to explain this, right?
When your kids were little, if your kids [00:11:00] are little, we're running the entire operation, okay? We're running bedtime, screen time, who they're allowed to have over, what goes into their bodies, every appointment, every permission slip. We're, for all practical purposes, keeping the business reference, we're the CEO of another person's whole life But then slowly, and oftentimes not clearly, that's where we, have some bumps in our parenting, is that job of being the manager, the CEO, ends.
It's where we don't set the rules anymore. We find ourselves biting our tongue about what their budget is, about the person they're dating, about how much they're spending, about the way they are parenting our grandbabies, if you're at that stage You wait to [00:12:00] be asked for your opinion, and sometimes if we're being totally honest, we don't even get asked.
Here is the 50/50, okay, that I want to inject on that. The relief is enormous. So much then comes off your plate. You are no longer responsible for managing another human being's entire existence, and that is lighter than you can even imagine from where some of you are sitting right now. The hard part is you have so much less control, and you have to earn sometimes our way into their lives now instead of simply just straight, like already having the keys to their lives.
But here is the beautiful part underneath all of it, because I mean for this to be inspiring. And that is [00:13:00] a relationship that your grown child chooses is worth so much more than one they're simply just required to have because you're their mom. So if you're still in it, I want you to start practicing the small letting goes now.
Let him pack his own bag and feel it when he forgets his cleats. Let your daughter handle the thing you would normally swoop in and handle. Those little releases now are what keep the whole like big handoff from it being a big handoff later, from feeling like you're actually losing them. And if you're already on this side when our kids are older and they're independent, our new job is real.
And-- But it still matters just [00:14:00] as much, and that is the consultant, right? The one who stays like a safe place to come to, the one who doesn't lecture, the one who asks a lot of questions, inquiring, helps them to be seen and heard. The one who can be trusted, right? Trusted with kind of hard and messy stuff sometimes.
The one that's loving and compassion if they like mess up or are just lost or philandering for a little while. We're really uplifting and safe place. That's the mom who gets invited back in to their lives again and again Okay, the third thing that I want to bring to your attention that changes when your kids grow up [00:15:00] is that the house gets quieter.
And the quiet is both a gift, which I've really been finding seeing it as a gift, and I'm here to also say there's some grief in it. So again, the theme here when our kids grow up is really for me to tell you that it's still 50/50. And how I want you to start seeing that as the 50/50 is actually wonderful.
So the noise you're currently begging for one single hour away from, you are going to get all of it back, right? The hooks by the door aren't gonna have backpacks hanging on them at a certain point. We're gonna be s- you'll set the table for two maybe, or there's a pantry that will actually [00:16:00] stay pretty stocked, and in my case, it'll stay shut.
I don't know why the pantry door is always a slightly, a little bit ajar when all of the kids are home So there's no one around to really make all the messes. Like when you c- once you clean up, it's clean until the next time you decide to get in there cooking, right? Sometimes your Saturday will then have nothing on the calendar, and you'll get to a point where nobody needs a ride anywhere.
And I will tell you, it is genuinely peaceful and more spacious, right? It's a lot of the quiet that you have been dreaming about. But-- And also, you will stand in that quiet kitchen [00:17:00] sometimes, it's 6:00, it's an ordinary evening, and then you're gonna kinda miss the chaos, right? And it might catch you a little bit off guard, right?
You might be wishing that you were cooking a big meal and there were people there to benefit from it. So both of the things are true And they just coexist with each other. So if right now you're still in those kind of loud years, don't feel one ounce of guilt for wanting the quiet. Wanting a calmer house does not mean you don't love the noise, and if you're already someone who's in the quiet, your mixed feelings are not a problem that you need to fix either, right?
The quiet gets to be a gift, and we can have a little grief about it in the same breath. You're allowed to [00:18:00] love the peace and miss the noise at the exact same time. It's just the juxtaposition of it. That's what happens when our kids get older. All right. Four, you get yourself back, and then you have to decide who that even is, right?
So again, notice that 50/50 oh, I get all the time and energy back to focus on myself. But then there is that work and focus and energy and time to go into creating, building, deciding who that next version of you even is, right? For years now, many of you have been, like, in the stage and wrapped up in being needed.
You're the one who knows where everything is, right? You're the one who some people could say holds it all together. [00:19:00] The first phone call when anything goes wrong. And when that constant needing starts to shrink a bit when our kids are older, there is this kind of like strange open space left where it all used to be.
And a lot of moms get there and realize they're not entirely sure what they even like or want anymore, what they would do with a whole free afternoon. Let's face it, some of the moms I coach, like if the, if their kid naps a little longer, some of them does- don't even know what to do. So that's why I'm always trying to help you, stop and ask that question, what do I really want?
What would care for me right now? 'Cause we wanna get those, juices flowing and really become more aware of what those things are so that you don't get to this place, or if you do, it just means decisions need to be made. What would we do with a whole free [00:20:00] afternoon? When you're not managing everyone else's life, what do you want your life to look like?
But the gift here is so real, right? You suddenly have room to discover the woman who was in there the whole time, a hobby that you dropped somewhere, maybe around baby number two, a friendship you let go quiet. I know when I think about, like right now, one of the hobbies that my husband and I are doing, that there's no way I could've done it when the kids are small, because we're spending literally hours, but it's hiking.
We just hiked five national parks. We have two beautiful parks around our home that we go to on the regular. In fact, after my clients today, I'm-- can't wait. It is a beautiful day and I'm gonna get out there. But it just, now that has opened up the hobbies and [00:21:00] because my kids are older And so there could be like a faith practice that you can now put, more time and attention to, especially one with nobody like tugging at your sleeve.
Time to actually sit with God without a mental to-do list yanking at you the entire time, right? The hard part is that the open space that you now have can feel a little disorienting at first, even a little lonely. But when you stick with it, when you, again, make decisions, when you keep asking what would be fun?
Who do I wanna be? What experiences do I wanna have now that I have this, open space? Then it starts to feel like freedom. And for the moms who are in this stage where your kids are grown, I wanna just offer the thought that I hope brings some peace to you to say like this, [00:22:00] because the kids are no longer under the roof does not mean that we don't have so much more life to discover about who God actually made us to be.
And that is really exciting, and it's fun for me right now. And I hope you can have a perspective to be like, "Yes, now that the kids are grown, what do I want to do and experience and become that is actually still in God's plan for me?" Okay, number five, what changes when your kids get older. I want you to just know that the relationship does not end, that it grows into something new.
And in a lot of cases, I am finding out it's even better. Not to say I don't [00:23:00] miss the little sweet voices and the cuddles and those big cheeks that I get to kiss. Oh boy, I was in the airport this past weekend, and they were like everywhere, these babies. But I think that when they're little, you honestly can't imagine loving any version of them more than right then.
We just love them so much, and it's almost impossible to picture that the relationship past that daily grind of raising them, right? Just get into those routines. But it totally keeps going. The grown kid who calls for a certain recipe really, it's probably they call for my mom's recipe. Yesterday just had my daughter call for s- some advice or just because they say "I just wanted to hear your [00:24:00] voice."
Just your kids, maybe slowly over the years, they can become one of your closest friends. The real adult conversations you could never have had back when they were mostly just trying to get everyone fed, right? And out and to bed at night. And watching them go out and love someone and build something, whether it's a career or their families, just adventures.
Maybe eventually they're parenting their own kids, right? They turn into these people that you genuinely admire, admire and actually want to be around. And there's some holidays where they're choosing to come home, not because they have to, but because they want to And if you're still in the thick of it, hear the hope in this.
Like leaving one stage behind is really just stepping straight into a brand [00:25:00] new one. You're not running out of the good stuff. You're walking towards more good stuff. And if your kids, if you're in the place where your kids are already grown, I want you to really let this land. The best of this relationship may still be out in front of you.
It didn't end when they moved out. It just grew up the same way they did. And I'll also, my... it... I wanna acknowledge that there's some of you that are older and have kids and maybe you're hearing some of the things I'm saying and you're saying, "I don't have that." "That isn't how.
They aren't calling." I want to put in the reminder here to bring you peace of mind that relationships exist in the mind. Meaning, if you are right now thinking that the circumstance of them not calling or you haven't seen them in months is creating your [00:26:00] disconnect, your loneliness, I wanna remind you and tell you that's just not true.
And us wishing that they are grown children who are out there, wishing that they're showing up differently than they currently are is only causing you pain and suffering. When our kids grow up, I almost think that we may have to manage our mind even more, mamas, which is why, again, coaching can support, right?
Having a regular managed mind about it. But I would just encourage you to have more peace to realize that our children don't have to be physically around us for us to have strong relationships. It only takes one person in a relationship to make it a good one, and it literally is by what you're choosing to think about them the amount of times they call or don't call or come home for holidays or they don't, or what they're doing, with your [00:27:00] grandkids and not doing with your grandkids.
So that's a little kind of side caveat I just feel compelled to remind again that will hit some of you Okay, but before I go on this episode, let me just reiterate the five things, and that is what you worry about changes, but worry itself was never your job. Okay? When we-- So these are the things that change when our kids are older.
Okay? You will go from a manager to the consultant, okay? Where you're taking care of everything to you wanna know like you're there to consult on their lives, not to run it. The house will get quieter, and I wanna remind you that the quiet will be both a gift and there'll be some grief there But I also wanna tell you, you're gonna get yourself fully back, and then you get to decide [00:28:00] who that is.
And then just to know that the relationship does not end. It'll grow into something new. And then what that isn't dependent on the circumstances. It will depend, again, like everything, on our choice of what we think about all of it. So notice that not one of these was all bad or not one of these changes was all good, right?
It's the reminder that life, that it's 50/50, that it's both. And the whole way through this humanly life, that's how it is. And that might be the most hopeful thing I can tell you today because it means there is no season of motherhood that is purely behind you or purely lost. Every single stage hands you something, even as it might take something away.
[00:29:00] But whether you are wiping counters with a little one on your hip or you're standing in a quiet house wondering where all the years went, there is really good in the season you're in right now, and there's really good in the one that is still coming your way. And that is what I have for you today, everyone.
Thank you so much for being here today, mama. So whichever side of this you happen to be standing on, and if there is a mom that you love who is in a completely different season than you are, maybe a friend whose kids are already grown or a younger one still down in the trenches, please let them know about the Peaceful Mind podcast.
There is so much goodness that can be applied to your life to help you feel more calm, in control, confident, to bring more joy to your life right now, and it [00:30:00] would be such an honor to be able to walk this journey with you. All right, everyone. Until next week, may peace be with you always. Thank you for listening to the Peaceful Mind podcast.
If you've been feeling a quiet desire for more peace and steadiness in your motherhood, I invite you to take the next step of scheduling a free coaching consultation with me. We'll meet over Zoom to explore options and possibilities of how having a personal life coach and mentor could help you experience the exact motherhood and life your heart desires.
To talk through current options, schedule a free coaching consultation today. You'll find the link to schedule in the show notes. It would be an honor to support you at any stage of your motherhood journey
